This month, we had a lot of drunk drivers to choose from. Seriously, it pained us dearly to toss out an untold number of contestants with 3rd- and 4th-offense DWIs in order to pare down the list to ten candidates. Oh, the humanity!

It wasn’t just the civilians doin’ the boozin’ & cruisin’, either. A law enforcement officer and a former lawmaker got in on the action, too.

On November 3, Baton Rouge Police Sgt. Edward Coulter was cited for 1st-offense DWI and driving left of center. The charges stemmed from a crash that occurred on October 29 in the 9300 block of South Choctaw Drive while the 50-year-old was off-duty.

According to reports, Coulter was behind the wheel of his marked cruiser when he crossed the centerline and collided head-on with a truck. The 22-year veteran of BRPD was transported to a local hospital with moderate injuries.

He probably wasn’t feeling too much pain, though. The Louisiana State Police Crime Lab said he had a blood-alcohol level of 0.11 percent following the crash. The legal limit is 0.08.

Chief Jeff LeDuff placed Coulter, a member of the uniformed patrol, on paid administrative leave and initiated an internal investigation. During that investigation, a witness reportedly told authorities that Coulter was “drunker than Cooter Brown.”

We still haven’t figured out who this famously intoxicated Cooter Brown is, but with a name like Cooter Brown, it’s understandable he would be quite drunk … all the damn time.

Fortunately for investigators, “Cooter Coulter’s” dash cam made their job just a bit easier. It recorded the moments leading up to the crash and allegedly showed his patrol car weaving along Choctaw and striking a curb before hitting the truck.

While the other driver was not injured, the crash was nonetheless a frightening experience. How scary? A witness purportedly said his underwear was “darker than Pooter Brown’s.”

Only a few weeks after Coulter’s incident, a former Rapides Parish police juror was sentenced to five years in prison for a 3rd-offense DWI. He was originally given a suspended sentence after pleading guilty to the charge in August, but he was ordered to serve the rest of the term in prison after driving drunk to the Rapides Parish Jail.

According to court records, Richard Nunnally had been initially ordered to serve 12 months in the parish jail with an allowance to report to his job in Lafayette, after which he was required to check back into jail.

On November 8, though, Nunnally reportedly showed up at the pokey an hour late and “showed physical signs of being intoxicated.” A test revealed his blood alcohol content was 0.162, more than double the legal limit.

Later, the Rapides Parish Sheriff’s Office received reports that, instead of going to work, Nunnally may have been in Tiger Stadium in Baton Rouge earlier that day and watched LSU lose to Alabama in overtime. Well, that would explain why he was sh–tfaced.

Nunnally appeared in court on November 14 for a probation revocation hearing. The judge revoked Nunnally’s probation, ordered him to serve the five-year term, and recommended him to a treatment facility.

We’ve heard of hard-core Tiger football fans, but Nunnally takes the cake. How many people who claim they bleed purple and gold would risk time in prison just to go to a game?

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked for suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from October 27 – November 23, 2008.

10. Brittany Nicole P., 22, 2nd-offense DWI and failure to stop/yield.
A girl from Louisiana named Brittany driving recklessly? Who woulda thunk it?

9. Don R., 20, 2nd-offense DWI, driving a vehicle with a switched license plate, failure to stop/yield, hit and run, simple criminal damage to property, and resisting an officer.
Switched license plates? Maybe Don’s been watching too many James Bond movies on Spike TV. That would also explain why he likes his Hennessy shaken, not stirred.

8. Misty J., 31, 2nd-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, hit and run, failure to report an accident, failure to maintain control, negligent vehicular injury, driving without insurance, and violating other laws of the road.
Violating other laws of the road? Is that legalese for “and a bunch of other messed-up stuff”? Misty racked up so many charges on one stop, her arresting officer apparently didn’t have the stamina to enumerate every one of them. Either that or he really wanted to get home to see Dancing with the Stars.

7. Adam Scott M., 20, 3rd-offense DWI, improper lane usage, expired driver’s license, and driving with a license [sic].
Already a 3-time BACS veteran at 20, the prodigious Adam Scott is the same age as NBA phenom Greg Oden. While Oden looks like he’s in his late thirties, Adam Scott’s liver looks like it’s in its late sixties.

6. Brittney Nicole P., 22, 3rd-offense DWI, improper lane usage, and reckless operation of a vehicle.
No, it’s not déjà vu. Brittany Nicole has two spots in this month’s BACS – numbers 10 and 6. On November 7, The Advocate reported Brittany was charged with 2nd-offense DWI. Only eight days later, Brittney reportedly was arrested for a 3rd DWI. As for the spelling disparity, given her penchant for drinking and driving, we’re leaning toward the traditional redneck spelling, “Brittney.”

5. Merlin H., 55, 4th-offense DWI and driving wrong way on a one-way street.
Looks like Merlin drank too much “magic potion.” Too bad he couldn’t cast a spell on his arresting officer and make the charges magically disappear.

4. Faith Nelson J., 45, 3rd-offense DWI, possession of marijuana, driving with a suspended/revoked license, open-container violation, and possession of drug paraphernalia.
The Bible says, “Faith without works is dead.” Folks who know her say Faith Nelson without weed is really, really boring.

3. James Wesley M., 42, 4th-offense DWI, improper lane use, driving with a suspended/revoked license, fugitive from justice, and 3rd-offense DWI.
We’re not sure how someone could be charged with both a 3rd and 4th DWI in one stop, but fugitive James Wesley did it. Not only that, but he did it while being relentlessly chased by Tommy Lee Jones.

2. Robert Leland M., 37, 4th-offense DWI, driving without a license plate, reckless operation of a vehicle, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, simple criminal damage to property, refusal to submit to a chemical test, and urinating in public.
Thanks to a Red Shtick reader, we found out that Robert Leland is the CEO of a local business that specializes in treating and transporting alcoholics and drug addicts. Three years ago, the Baton Rouge Business Report named him one of their Top 40 Under 40. Now, he’s also a member of Red Shtick’s Top 10 Under Arrest.

1. Kenny Keith R., 33, 6th-offense DWI and failure to signal.
Kenny Keith wins this month’s Judge Don Johnson Trophy. Just in time for the holidays, too. Instead of a star or an angel, maybe Kenny Keith can top the Christmas tree with his new trophy.