This month’s honorable mention could very well be a serious contender for the Judge Don Johnson Trophy since he was arrested locally for 3rd-offense drunk driving. Unfortunately, he’s not eligible to win it since, last time we checked, no one knows where he is. Wherever he is, though, he’s likely watching Sanford and Son reruns.

According to a report in late October, Louisiana State Police arrested Ronald Blum and accused him of 3rd-offense DWI, passing on the shoulder, and operating a vehicle with a suspended driver’s license.

When Blum got to jail, though, the medical staff at Parish Prison determined that his blood pressure was high and that he needed medical attention. So troopers took him to LSU Earl K. Long Medical Center.

Once there, Blum did his best Fred Sanford imitation and acted like he was having “the big one.” State Police say he “began to fake a heart illness” at the hospital and was given a test that required him to be uncuffed.

After the test, Blum “continued to scream as if he were in pain and doubled over.” Blum then allegedly escaped from the medical center – and authorities – through the back door of the emergency room.

We’re not sure what the troopers guarding Blum were doing when their drunk, hypertensive detainee got away. Maybe they got distracted when the African-American cop tried teaching street lingo to his extremely square, white partner.

State police subsequently issued a warrant for Blum’s arrest. However, they did not release a photo or even a description of him. Apparently, he’s not that wanted.

Based on what we’ve learned about the case, Red Shtick is offering an unofficial profile of Blum in the interest of public safety. Blum is likely an older, light-skinned black man with gray, nappy hair and a matching scraggly beard. He probably drives a faded red 1951 Ford pickup truck, wears suspenders, and walks like he just dropped a massive deuce in his pants. He may also be in the company of a woman named Elizabeth whom he’s been talking about rejoining.

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked for suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from October 26 – November 22, 2009.

10. Jeffery Demond P., 26, 1st-offense DWI, speeding, resisting an officer, improper lane usage, inspection sticker required, and unauthorized use of a motor vehicle.
Jeffrey Demond shares a name with Demond Wilson, who played Lamont Sanford, which is rather fitting since his father has reportedly addressed him his entire life as “you big dummy.”

9. Christopher L., 23, 1st-offense DWI, insurance required, possession of marijuana, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, and open-container violation.
Two words: Wild parsley!

8. Kimberly S., 37, 2nd-offense DWI, improper lane usage, reckless operation of a vehicle, license plate required, insurance required, and failure to register vehicle.
According to friends, whenever a guy hits on Kimberly, she flails her oversized purse at him while saying “Watch it, sucka!” She then goes home, sticks her face in a pile of dough, and makes gorilla cookies.

7. Joshua A., 24, 1st-offense DWI, public intimidation, reckless operation of a vehicle, flight from an officer, passing a parked emergency vehicle, and resisting an officer.
Wow! Public intimidation, flight from an officer, and resisting an officer? Sounds like a rough night for Smitty and Hoppy.

6. Carlos Enrique V., 49, 3rd-offense DWI and obscenity.
“Chinga tu madre, chinga lo, chinga la policia!” Fred Sanford’s neighbor Julio never said that, but he probably thought about saying it a few times.

5. Garan Marshall L., 19, 2nd-offense DWI, driver’s license suspended or revoked, reckless operation of a vehicle, driving left of center, and resisting an officer.
When it comes to criminal behavior, Rollo ain’t got jack on Garan Marshall.

4. Brandon Derrell D., 22, 2nd-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, flight from an officer, hit and run, and driver’s license required.
Brandon Derrell is like Fred Sanford’s friend Bubba. He’s a straight man. Whether it’s straight tequila, straight vodka, or straight whiskey, he likes everything straight.

3. Eric L., 23, 3rd-offense DWI, simple obstruction of a public highway, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, and driving on a suspended or revoked driver’s license.
What’s the difference between Eric and Aunt Esther’s alcoholic husband Woodrow? Woodrow eventually sobered up.

2. Cecil S., 51, 4th-offense DWI, driver’s license suspended or revoked, and improper lane usage.
Cecil is a classy kind of guy. When he drinks, he likes to mix champagne and ripple. He calls it “champipple.”

1. Kelvin Terrell M., 40, 4th-offense DWI, possession of alcoholic beverage in a vehicle, failure to signal/improper turn, refusing a chemical test, license plate light required, and resisting an officer.
In the words of Grady Wilson, “Good goobly goop!” Kelvin Terrell’s won the Don Johnson Trophy!