The comedy gods must have been smiling on us for our 5th anniversary issue. Either that or people are just getting more daring in their drunk-driving endeavors.

We don’t recall having such a plethora of quality honorable mentions to choose from for a single installment of the BACS as we do this month. We felt like Angelina Jolie at an orphanage. We didn’t know which one to pick.

That’s why, in the end, we stole a page from Angelina’s playbook and chose all of them. That’s right, we’re offering a little sampling of each of these worthy drunk-driving arrests. Think of it as a literary pupu platter, which is not that hard to do, given that many people already view our publication as a heap of sh–t.

Our first appetizer is 28-year-old Justin Brimer, who reportedly was speeding along Barringer Foreman Road in a Nissan pickup around 12:30 on the morning of January 14. According to the East Baton Rouge Parish Sheriff’s office, Brimer missed the curve at Jefferson Highway, throttled across the parking lot and playground of Gables Academy, and blasted through the wall of the school’s gym.

Police said Brimer then spun his vehicle around at mid-court, and instead of simply going out the same, newly installed, truck-sized entrance, he crashed through the gym’s locked, metal-framed, glass entrance. Deputies found Brimer and his truck hiding close to a nearby convenience store.

Brimer failed a field sobriety test administered by police after they noticed a strong smell of alcohol on him. He was then charged with 1st-offense DWI, careless operation of a vehicle, reckless operation of a vehicle, aggravated criminal damage to property, hit-and-run driving, and resisting an officer. Had Brimer’s arresting officer been a basketball official, he would have tacked on a traveling call.

Note to Mr. Brimer: The next time you want to go to night school to get your GED, don’t assume it has a drive-thru.

Secondly, we have the case of District Attorney Richard Christopher Nevils of the 8th Judicial District in Winn Parish, who was nabbed here in Baton Rouge on the night of January 21 for allegedly boozin’ & cruisin’ and hittin’ & runnin’.

According to Baton Rouge Police, the 39-year-old prosecutor was driving a 2008 Dodge Charger (registered to his office, no less) near Hyacinth Avenue when he tried to pass a 2003 Nissan Maxima. Unfortunately, Nevils passed the bar with flying colors but couldn’t pass the Maxima without hitting it.

After the collision, the Maxima’s driver followed Nevils as he continued on his merry, inebriated way until he stopped in the driveway of a home on South Lakeshore Drive. When police arrived, they reportedly smelled a strong odor of alcohol (sound familiar?) on Nevils, who, police said, seemed impaired.

After performing poorly in a field sobriety test, Nevils submitted to a breath test that showed his blood-alcohol content was 0.173 percent – more than double the legal limit of 0.08 – so he asked for another. On the second test, he blew a 0.176. How about a third?

Nevils was issued a misdemeanor summons for 1st-offense DWI, hit and run, and failure to maintain control.

In Nevils’ defense, drinking and driving is much more accepted back in Winn Parish. Up there, the mule pulling the cart does most of the driving. The “driver” pretty much just holds the reins and goes for a ride.

Next, from the sports world, we have the winningest baseball coach in NCAA Division I history, Augie Garrido from the University of Texas. The Longhorns’ skipper was suspended with pay the same day he was arrested for suspicion of drunken driving on January 17. Maybe the UT officials don’t want him teaching players how to stagger around the bases.

Police reportedly stopped Garrido near downtown Austin just before 1 a.m. after an officer grew suspicious of his driving. Garrido was arrested after failing a field sobriety test and was booked into the Travis County Jail. It would seem the eyes of Texas were upon him all the livelong day … and night.

And finally, also from the world of sports, we offer you the drunk-driving case of an 11-time NBA All-Star, a renowned gambler, and a “turrrible” golfer, Sir Charles Barkley. In case you’ve been hanging out with Bin Laden and haven’t heard about this one, here’s what allegedly happened.

Around 1:30 on the morning of New Year’s Eve, the former Phoenix Sun forward was stopped in his black Infiniti SUV by Lt. Pete Smith of the Gilbert Police Department in Scottsdale, Arizona. Smith reportedly spotted the “Round Mound of Rebound” rolling through a stop sign (at about 10 mph) and picking up a female passenger just after going through the intersection.

According to the police report, Barkley had watery, bloodshot eyes and had the odor of alcohol on his breath. When Smith asked the former Auburn Tiger if he had been drinking, he reportedly answered affirmatively, admitting he had a “couple” of drinks.

Before eventually failing a field sobriety test and registering a 0.149 blood-alcohol content level, Barkley reportedly asked Smith to admit that his female passenger was “hot.” Barkley then divulged the reason he was in a hurry. “I was gonna drive around the corner and (have oral sex).” Well, Charles was always known for driving hard to the hole.

Barkley said the woman had performed fellatio on him the previous week and it was the best he’d ever had. It looks like Dwayne Wade has some serious competition to stay in Charles’ fave five.

The TNT commentator was eventually arrested, cited, and released with charges of suspicion of misdemeanor DUI and being impaired to the slightest degree. (We had no idea there was such a charge, either.) While being processed, though, Barkley allegedly offered a civilian police employee a “bribe” to get him out of the DUI. “I’ll tattoo your name on my ass,” Barkley said, according to the report.

Who wouldn’t want his or her name tattooed on the rear end of a 6-foot-6, 300-pound black man? Given his height and expansive derriere, it would almost be like getting your name written in the sky … at night.

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked for suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from December 22, 2008 – January 25, 2009.

10. Chivas S., 30, 1st-offense DWI, possession of marijuana, and open-container violation.

If only his possession charge was for crack instead of weed, he’d be Chivas on the rocks.

9. Ronak Jitendra D., 27, 2nd-offense DWI, motor vehicle insurance required, reckless operation of a vehicle, and driving the wrong way.

When we first saw Ronak’s name, we thought it was an anagram. That inspired us to compose this list of anagrams of his moniker: Jot And A Drinker, Donate Jar Drink, Jean Do Drink Tar, Dear Drank Joint, Janitor Ed Drank, An Odd Jerk Train, A Darn Dork Jet In, Dork Ninja Dater, and Darker Ninja Dot.

8. Raphael D., 53, 2nd-offense DWI, improper lane usage, parking in a handicapped space, and seat-belt violation.

That’s bogus! If people who are too fat to walk are allowed to park in handicapped spaces, people who are too drunk to walk should be permitted to do the same.

7. Miguel Ignacio C., 40, 2nd-offense DWI, improper window tint, driving too slowly, no tail lamps, driving with an expired license, open-container violation, and operating a vehicle while unlawfully in the United States.

It only seems fitting that, according to the arrest report, Miguel Ignacio (who’s apparently related to Slowpoke Rodriguez) resides in the city of Gonzales.

6. Jason L., 21, 1st-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, improper lane usage, hit and run, simple battery, aggravated assault, disturbing the peace by drinking, and disturbing the peace.

Jason’s iPod has tons of music by Disturbing tha Peace, like “Break Sumthin’” and “Play Pen to the State Pen.” He also has every song by Disturbed and Rihanna’s “Disturbia.”

5. Morgan James O., 51, 4th-offense DWI, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, disturbing the peace by intoxication, and resisting an officer.

Well, at least Morgan James, a New Roads resident, had the decency to raise hell in the big city of Baton Rouge instead of back home in Pointe Coupee Parish. That was very considerate of him not to stir the sleepy town on False River.

4. Jason Eric R., 38, 4th-offense DWI, possession of cocaine, driving left of center, reckless operation of a vehicle, and driving with a suspended/revoked license.

Jason refers to his stash of nose candy as his “stimulus package.”

3. Robert Louis B. III, 27, 4th-offense DWI, hit and run, driving with a suspended/revoked license, possession of marijuana, possession of drug paraphernalia, resisting an officer, and battery of a police officer.

For someone who’s charged with holding, Robert Louis is certainly a violent fellow. That weed must really belong to someone else, officer. Otherwise, Robert Louis would have been much more mellow during his arrest.\

2. Taisean Demetrius O., 32, 5th-offense DWI, blocking a public highway, and expired inspection sticker.

That’s one, two, three, four, five … five vunderful charges! (Thunderclap) Ah, ah, ah!!!

1. Hector Reyes S., 26, 5th-offense DWI, driving too slowly, and driver’s license suspended or revoked.

Eso es uno, dos, tres, quatro, cinco … cinco cargos maravilloso! (Trueno) Ah, ah, ah!!!