It’s a crying shame that, in order to contend for the Judge Don Johnson Trophy, drunk drivers must be arrested in East Baton Rouge Parish, because if not, this month’s honorable mention would have run away with the hardware. Alas, we must follow the rules that we set, even though breaking them would have proven beneficial for an exceptional drunk driver from our publisher’s home parish.

The Houma resident managed to bag her fourth DWI charge before she was even old enough to legally buy alcohol. No one arrested in the Baton Rouge area in the past month, on the other hand, had anything greater than a third DWI charge. Damn, Red Stick. You got your inebriated asses kicked by a chick that’s never even seen a rotary phone!

Louisiana State Police stopped Caitlyn Rose Case of Houma just after midnight on December 8 after she reportedly ran a red light. According to police, a breath test showed the 20-year-old had a blood-alcohol level of 0.22. The legal limit for underage drivers is 0.02, while 0.08 is the limit for those 21 and older.

Case was booked into Terrebonne Parish jail after being charged with 4th-offense DWI, improper lane use, and disregarding a traffic-control signal. We weren’t able to confirm a report that her father hocked his shrimp boat to pay her $25,000 bond.

According to court records, Case pled guilty to her first and second DWI charges during a court appearance on September 22. In that hearing, she also pled guilty to driving the wrong way on a one-way street, speeding, and hit and run.

District Judge Randy Bethancourt suspended a six-month sentence for her first DWI after she agreed to pay court costs, perform community service, and attend a driver-improvement and substance-abuse class. Additionally, he gave Case a six-month supervised probation and a $300 fine.

As for Case’s second DWI, Bethancourt once again suspended a six-month sentence. He additionally ordered her to pay a $750 fine and complete an unspecified amount of community service. Furthermore, he gave Case a choice of serving 96 hours in jail or 14 days of house arrest. She chose house arrest, perhaps because she couldn’t go four days without access to alcohol.

State Police report that Case was also arrested on February 5 for driving while intoxicated. We don’t know if that was the first, second, or third time Case was caught drinking and driving, and she’s likely killed so many brain cells in such a short span, chances are she doesn’t know, either.

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked for suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from November 23 – December 20, 2009.

10. Angel Marqualuis M., 24, 1st-offense DWI, driver’s license required, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, and texting while driving.
q psa migo! bba mucho tequila! aora soy ebrio! OMD! policia!!! q plomo:(

9. Norman H., 46, 2nd-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, and stopping vehicle in a roadway.
Why did Norman stop in the middle of the road? Was he looking for something, like his self-respect? Doubtful, since he reportedly never had any in the first place.

8. George Bernard S. Jr., 28, 2nd-offense DWI, failure to signal or improper turn, license plate required, failure to change address on driver’s license, and equipment violation.
With a name like George Bernard S., it’s little wonder he likes Irish whiskey. Unfortunately, the only poetry he knows comes from rap songs.

7. Andrea Alexis M., 39, 2nd-offense DWI, resisting an officer, open container/public drinking, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, and public intimidation.
Andrea Alexis’ arresting officer can relate to her husband. She offers him plenty of resistance in the bedroom and intimidates the hell out of him all the time.

6. Kenan Rok D., 25, 2nd-offense DWI, equipment violation, driver’s license not in possession, and reckless operation of a vehicle.
Drink up, Kenan! With a name like Rok, you’re bound to be immune to whiskey dick.

5. Christian Alexander A. II, 17, 1st-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, possession of Schedule II drugs, and possession of marijuana.
Christian really is a Christlike figure. According to friends, he once made 5,000 people high with just five joints and two dime bags.

4. Sidney Russell A., 24, 3rd-offense DWI, failure to signal/improper turn, reckless operation of a vehicle, and license plate required.
Sidney got drunk because he was depressed after learning that Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins broke up, because really, if they can’t make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?

3. Lynne T., 50, 3rd-offense DWI and driver’s license suspended or revoked.
When it comes to meeting men, Lynne lives by the credo “Beer goggles are cheaper than Botox.”

2. Anthony B., 44, 3rd-offense DWI, domestic abuse battery, and aggravated assault.
Looks like Anthony learned how to treat a lady from MTV’s Jersey Shore.

1. Keri Lynn N., 24, 3rd-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, and improper lane usage.
Her driver’s license may say 24, but her liver screams senior citizen.