Blood Alcohol Championship Series

January 2012 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Fri, 6 Jan 2012 15:11:38 -0600

Despite pledging during his 2007 gubernatorial campaign to have “zero tolerance for ethical lapses” by his administrative appointees, Gov. Bobby Jindal has apparently mellowed in his old age. Either that or, now that’s he’s been reelected, he just doesn’t really give a rat’s ass that his commissioner of administration was arrested on a count of DWI and reportedly had a blood-alcohol level measuring more than twice the legal limit.
In case you didn’t read it or hear about it last month, Jindal’s right-hand man, Paul Rainwater, was arrested and booked into Parish Prison at 1 a.m. on December 10 on counts of 1st-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, and failure to obey a stop sign or yield sign.
Baton Rouge police said the 49-year-old Rainwater was pulled over on Kalurah Street near Christian Street the preceding evening after an officer spotted him running a stop sign and driving on the wrong side of the road on Christian Street.
Here are a couple of interesting things to note about that area: First, it features several bars and restaurants. Second, it’s about a half-mile from Rainwater’s residence (i.e., within walking distance).
Rainwater reportedly performed “very poor” on his field sobriety test and registered a 0.17 blood-alcohol level, more than double the state’s legal limit of 0.08. He later posted $3,200 bail.
Since then, the only thing the Governor’s Office has said about the incident came from Jindal’s communications director, Kyle Plotkin. “The governor has complete confidence in Paul’s ability to do his job.”
Despite promising nearly five years ago to have a “zero tolerance” administration, it appears Jindal’s tolerance for ill-advised alcohol consumption is actually greater than that of his commissioner of administration’s liver.
Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from November 21 – December 25, 2011.
10. Ryan T., 30, 1st-offense DWI, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, failure to notify police of a concealed weapon, and carrying a concealed weapon. It seems Ryan wasn’t the only thing in his car that was loaded.
9. Sarah G., 22, 1st-offense DWI, resisting an officer, public intimidation, second-degree battery, battery of a police officer, and reckless operation of a vehicle. Guys, if you see Sarah drinking tequila at a bar, don’t ask her to do body shots. The last dude to do that got punched in the gut.
8. Quinique K., 25, 2nd-offense DWI, following too close, driver’s license not in possession, careless driving, and insurance required. For her sake, hopefully Quinique found an attorney who takes Air Jordans as payment.
7. Louis C., 48, 1st-offense DWI, possession of Schedule II drugs, possession of Schedule IV drugs, driver’s license required/expired, possession of legend drugs, hit and run, driver’s license class restriction, disobeying a red light, inspection sticker violation, and proof of insurance required. Louis is to the BACS what Sam Hurd is to the NFL: a dude with a lot of drugs. And unless Louis has a good defense attorney, he could also play Hurd’s position of wide receiver in jail.
6. Justin L., 31, 3rd-offense DWI, motor vehicle inspection required/expired, operating a vehicle while under suspension for a prior offense, improper lane usage, and speeding. “The great ones play with pain” is a popular adage in football. There’s a similar one in the BACS: “The great ones drive with a suspended license.”
5. Joshua L., 21, 7724 Barringer Road, 3rd-offense DWI, hit and run, resisting an officer, and reckless operation of a vehicle. Joshua’s New Year’s resolution is to drop a few pounds … starting with his liver.
4. Gilbert F., 57, 4th-offense DWI, driver’s license suspended/revoked, operating a vehicle while under suspension for a prior offense, and headlights required. Gilbert was really hoping that deceased North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il would bequeath to him his outrageously expansive collection of Hennessy cognac.
3. Roger P., 22, 4th-offense DWI and operating a vehicle while under suspension for a prior offense. Sometimes, people mistakenly think Roger is Tebowing at parties when, really, he’s just on one knee puking.
2. Frank J., 54, 6th-offense DWI, driver’s license suspended/revoked, and reckless operation of a vehicle. Frank earned his 6th DWI and was runner-up for the Judge Don Johnson Trophy. That’s almost as disappointing as this year’s Philadelphia Eagles “Dream Team.”
1. James P., 36, 5th-offense DWI, unlawful refusal to submit to a chemical test, equipment violation, speeding, threatening a public official, injuring public records, misrepresentation during booking, driver’s license required, and possession of marijuana. James stomped the competition like Ndamukong Suh. And just like the Detroit Lions’ star defensive tackle delivers punishment to defenseless opponents lying on the ground, James put a hurting on those helpless public records. Hopefully, that public official took his threats seriously.
Congratulations, James. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply pick up a copy of Red Shtick and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.

December 2011 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Fri, 2 Dec 2011 21:43:22 -0600

Given the fanatic popularity — at least among young women — of vampires who glitter in the sunlight, it’s almost impossible to tell what’s more intoxicating to teenage girls: alcoholic beverages or the Twilight series. Case in point: this month’s honorable mention, 18-year-old Olivia Ornelas, of Aurora, IL, who blamed her DUI-related crash on not seeing The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 1.
While the vampires in the Twilight movies suck blood, the movies themselves seemingly suck every semblance of reason and judgment out of their fans.
According to a police report by the Kendall County Sheriff’s Office, a deputy found Ornelas’ car in a roadside ditch just past midnight on November 19. Upon further investigation, the cop determined that Ornelas “was driving with no right front tire and was extremely intoxicated.”
Wait, she was driving without a tire AND intoxicated? That’s some awesome police work, right there.
The report goes on to say: “Ornelas advised that she was extremely upset with her boyfriend because she did not see the movie Twilight like they were suppose too [sic].”
Of course, blame the ordeal on the boyfriend for not taking her to see the latest film. It was probably his fault the tire came off, too.
So why did her boyfriend snub her and not take Ornelas to see the movie? Maybe he wanted to do something slightly less emasculating, like perhaps dipping his scrotum in sulfuric acid. Who knows?
Apparently, Ornelas’ arresting officer wasn’t a big fan of the series, either. Either that, or he’s a member of Team Jacob and she’s with Team Edward.
In any case, she was arrested and booked with DUI and unlawful consumption of alcohol by a minor. Ornelas was released hours later after posting $300 bail.
Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from October 24 – November 20, 2011.

10. Marrissa N., 18, 1st-offense DWI, resisting an officer, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, misrepresentation on summonses, and driver’s license not on person. This isn’t the first time Marrissa’s misrepresented herself. Friends say she stuffed her bra throughout high school.
9. Joshua R., 22, 1st-offense DWI, disobeying a traffic control device, public bribery, and possession of Schedule II drugs. At 22 years of age, Joshua must have tried to bribe his arresting officer with daddy’s Christmas bonus.
8. Matthew F., 36, 3rd-offense DWI, unlawful refusal to submit to a chemical test, reckless operation of a vehicle, and operating a vehicle while under suspension for a prior offense. Just like Tyrann Mathieu, Matthew doesn’t let a little thing like a suspension get in the way of being an impact player. However, unlike the Honey Badger, Matthew opted out of his chemical test.
7. Douglas H., 35, 3rd-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, improper turn, possession of alcoholic beverages in a vehicle, and driver’s license suspended/revoked. While most of Baton Rouge is all abuzz about food trucks, Douglas is waiting for the beer truck to park outside his office.
6. Land L., 21, 3rd-offense DWI, improper lane usage, unlawful refusal to submit to a chemical test, and reckless operation of a vehicle. To paraphrase Paul Revere, “Drunketh is Land; to jail goeth he.”
5. Ashley P., 29, 2nd-offense DWI, possession of drug paraphernalia, operating a vehicle while under suspension for a prior offense, possession of Schedule II drugs, possession of alcohol in a vehicle, reckless operation of a vehicle, and improper lane usage. Ashley’s former boyfriends say she’s very possessive. Whether it’s men, booze, or drugs, she likes to possess things.
4. Austin R., 26, 3rd-offense DWI, driver’s license suspended/revoked, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, inspection sticker violation, simple burglary, and felony theft. You’d think Austin would have no trouble with inspection stickers, or any kind of stickers, given how sticky his fingers are.
3. Demecca J., 34, 4th-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, insurance required, and failure to maintain control of a vehicle. While Muslims pray toward Mecca every day, Demecca prays to the porcelain altar after drinking too much cognac.
2. Efremizimbalist R., 43, 4th-offense DWI, operating a vehicle while under suspension for a prior offense, possession of an alcoholic beverage in a vehicle, no proof of insurance, and urinating in public. Efremizimbalist likes to pee in public to symbolize how pissed off he is, both at his parents for giving him that name, as well as for not winning the Judge Don Johnson Trophy.
1. Matthew M., 27, 4th-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, speeding, and improper lane usage. Just like this year’s Heisman Trophy candidates, Matthew is a speedy fellow. Unlike this year’s Heisman finalists, though, Matthew may not be available for travel to New York.
Congratulations, Matthew. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply pick up a copy of Red Shtick and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.

November 2011 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Fri, 4 Nov 2011 15:29:11 -0500

You’ve probably heard the term “fast woman” before, but this month’s BACS honorable mention gives a it a whole new meaning. She was driving so fast while boozed up, nearly all her clothes evidently just blew off during a high-speed chase by police. When authorities in Bainbridge, OH, finally caught up with her, she was all butt naked.
According to Chief Jon Bokovitz, of the Bainbridge Police Department, 28-year-old Erin B. Holdsworth, of Hiram, OH, was taken into custody on October 11 after she led officers on a chase that topped out at 128 mph.
Bokovitz said Geauga County sheriff’s deputies assisted Bainbridge officers in apprehending Holdsworth by laying down stop sticks, which disabled both tires on the left side of her vehicle. Although, given her attire, or lack thereof, spike strips would have been more appropriate for the occasion.
A short time later, Holdsworth pulled over and stumbled out of her vehicle wearing only a G-string, tennis shoes, and a see-through tube top. A police cruiser dash cam captured the effectively topless, nearly nude woman staggering toward police with her hands above her head. We have a feeling Holdsworth is probably just a bit exhibitionistic and doesn’t mind all that much that countless internet users have seen her in such a state of undress.
After giving police an impromptu roadside nudie show, Holdsworth was taken to the Geauga County Safety Center before being released on pending charges of operating a vehicle while impaired, refusing a blood-alcohol test, criminal damage (probably because video shows her kicking the cruiser’s back window), driving under a suspended license, speeding, and reckless operation. She’s scheduled back in court on November 2.
While all signs seem to suggest that Holdsworth is a stripper — lack of inhibition, erratic behavior, telltale tattoos — we were unable to confirm if she is indeed an exotic dancer. Nevertheless, we wouldn’t be surprised if she pays her defense attorney in ones and fives.
Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from September 26 – October 23, 2011.

10. Tequilla S., 29, 1st-offense DWI, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, and reckless operation of a vehicle. It doesn’t matter if you spell it with one, two, or 20 extra L’s, if you name your child after a party liquor, you’ll eventually see that name in the BACS.
9. Mariwwanna P., 32, 1st-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, and failure to maintain control of a vehicle. Remember what we just said about naming your kid after a type of alcohol with an alternate spelling? Same thing goes for controlled substances.
8. Electra E., 1st-offense DWI, registration of commercial vehicles exemption, hit and run, resisting an officer, and reckless operation of a vehicle. Friends say Electra has serious daddy issues. Sound like she has an Electra complex.
7. Shannon B., 32, 2nd-offense DWI, possession of alcohol in a vehicle, and loud music from a vehicle. Constantly playing loud music in the car might explain why Shannon’s husband says she “doesn’t listen worth a sh—t.”
6. Brittany R., 23, 2nd-offense DWI, improper lane usage, unnecessary noise from a vehicle, and obstruction of a highway. Brittany’s boyfriend says he isn’t shocked at the charges she’s facing since she’s always producing “unnecessary noise.”
5. Kayla L., 19, 2nd-offense DWI, improper lane usage, not in possession of driver’s license, and speeding. This Thanksgiving, Kayla is thankful that she’s already consumed so much alcohol in her short life, she’s prematurely aged her skin to the point that she’s no longer carded.
4. Leroy D., 62, 3rd-offense DWI, possession of alcohol in a vehicle, and failure to yield right-of-way. Leroy’s lost so many teeth after getting in bar fights, for Halloween, he went as a jack-o’-lantern. The only thing he had to buy was a candle to put in his mouth.
3. John H., 38, 3rd-offense DWI, obstruction of a public passage, driver’s license suspended/revoked, and reckless operation of a vehicle. There may not be an NBA season this year, but that doesn’t mean you can’t see drunk “athletes” get in trouble with the law. BACS participants like John have got you covered!
2. Alvin F., 34, 3rd-offense DWI, driver’s license required, possession of marijuana, and equipment violation. Alvin is a supporter of the Occupy Wall Street movement. In fact, it seems he’s been hanging around the drum circle.
1. James M., 39, 4th-offense DWI, improper lane usage, reckless operation of a vehicle, and driver’s license required. When it comes to alcoholism, James is in deeper denial than Michele Bachmann’s “totally not gay at all” husband Marcus. But at least James won something for his trouble, something Mrs. Bachmann won’t do in next year’s presidential election.
Congratulations, James. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply pick up a copy of Red Shtick and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.

October 2011 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Fri, 7 Oct 2011 22:21:12 -0500

It’s not that often you hear of a Chevy Suburban being driven over 100 mph by an intoxicated driver, but if anyone can pull it off, it’s two-time Indianapolis 500 winner Al Unser Jr. That’s because if there’s one thing the man knows how to do better than driving fast, it’s getting drunk.
According to the Bernalillo County Sheriff’s Department, the 49-year-old Unser was arrested around 3 a.m. on September 29 just outside of Albuquerque. Officials said he was clocked going 101 mph while apparently racing an unidentified black sedan that got away.
Somehow, officers eventually caught up with and pulled over Unser. He reportedly admitted, “You caught the slower driver.”
Deputies said Unser smelled of alcohol and was slurring his speech. He failed a field sobriety test and blew 0.16 — twice the legal limit — on a Breathalyzer test. It seems Indy cars aren’t the only things fueled by alcohol.
Unser was charged with reckless driving and aggravated driving while intoxicated. He was later released on his own recognizance.
This marks the racing legend’s third alcohol-related arrest. In 2002, a drunk Unser reportedly hit his girlfriend in the face during a roadside fight in Indianapolis. In 2007, he pled no contest to DUI and hit and run in connection to a Nevada crash in which his blood-alcohol level was three times the legal limit.
Indy 500 winners traditionally drink milk in the winner’s circle. Unser probably made his post-victory drinks white Russians.
Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from August 22 – September 25, 2011.

10. Hillary G., 18, 1st-offense DWI, operating a vehicle while under suspension for a prior offense, failure to obey a stop sign/yield sign, and improper lane usage. So Hillary was charged with 1st-offense DWI AND operating a vehicle while under suspension for a prior offense? Only in Louisiana’s legal code would that make any sense.
9. Andrew Garcia-N., 21, 1st-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, simple criminal damage to property, operating a vehicle without lawful presence, possession of alcohol in a vehicle, aggravated battery, driver’s license required, illegal use of driver’s license, and hit and run. Whether it’s in the BACS or the Rio Grande, Andrew knows how to make a splash.
8. Zachary Taylor, 25, 2nd-offense DWI, speeding, and improper lane usage. Zachary shares his name with the only U.S. president from Louisiana. Just like President Taylor, Zachary has learned life isn’t always a bowl of cherries. And coincidentally, the ladies have reportedly given him the nickname “Old Rough and Ready.”
7. Wilbur L., 30, 3rd-offense DWI, driver’s license required, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, and reckless operation of a vehicle. Hopefully, Wilbur is still friends with Mr. Ed. He may need him for transportation.
6. Oscar G., 29, 3rd-offense DWI, improper lane usage, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, possession of alcohol in a vehicle, and driver’s license suspended/revoked. When Oscar goes out drinking, a night on the town often turns into an episode of Sesame Street: He gets grouchy, turns green, and wakes up in a garbage can.
5. Caleb F., 20, 3rd-offense DWI, possession of alcohol in a vehicle, motor vehicle inspection required, hit and run, and driver’s license suspended/revoked. Since LSU’s Tyrann Mathieu doesn’t care for the “Honey Badger” nickname, we’ll give it to Caleb. It doesn’t matter if he’s not of legal drinking age; Caleb don’t give a sh—t.
4. Mark G., 54, 4th-offense DWI and following too close. Mark must have thought the driver in front of him had a keg of beer in the trunk.
3. Yvonne A., 51, 4th-offense DWI and reckless operation of a vehicle. The kids in the neighborhood call her “Miss Yvonne.” The local bars call her “job security.”
2. Clint D., 46, 4th-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, and failure to yield. In Clint’s defense, his wife had just made him watch Nancy Grace on Dancing With the Stars.
1. Scott N., 21, 4th-offense DWI, improper lane usage, and reckless operation of a vehicle. Great Scott! He’s a 4-time veteran of the BACS and he’s barely of legal drinking age! We can’t deny him the Judge Don Johnson Trophy, even though he may be denied bail.
Congratulations, Scott. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply pick up a copy of Red Shtick and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.

September 2011 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Fri, 2 Sep 2011 14:20:22 -0500

Police in Barnsley, England, stopped this month’s BACS honorable mention after they reportedly spotted him running a red light. While he may not have actually been driving a motor vehicle while intoxicated, he did try to pin the blame for the stoplight violation on his one-horsepower “engine,” his horse Fred, by telling police Fred is colorblind.
John Mulvenna, of South Yorkshire, who was also allegedly seen driving his horse-drawn carriage the wrong way down a one-way street, was arrested in the town center. Authorities said the 56-year-old gypsy was obviously intoxicated and had trouble controlling his steed.
Prosecutor Jayne Ormrod said of Mulvenna, “He was shouting and had slurred speech. His eyes were red and watery and he smelt of drink. He was also staggering around. When asked why the horse and carriage had gone though the traffic lights, he said the horse was colorblind.”
The traveler ended up pleading guilty to being drunk while in charge of a horse and carriage. He was fined $82 and was issued a 12-month conditional discharge.
While Mulvenna likes to drive ponies, he apparently doesn’t care to drink them. Instead, he seems to prefer his alcoholic beverages be served in a larger glass.
Mulvenna’s attorney, John Dobbin, said his client had consumed four pints of beer prior to the incident.
“He thought he was in a proper state to control the horse and trap,” Dobbin said. “It is clear that he was not.”
Mulvenna spoke out for himself after the hearing. “I had a few pints and thought it was fine, then whoops-a-daisy, there was a policewoman,” he said, adding, “I wasn’t stupefied drunk.”
As for the horse, Mulvenna explained his lifelong, four-legged friend does indeed have trouble with traffic lights. “I have had Fred since he was a foal. I bred him and he’s the best you can get, but he is a bit colorblind.”
Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from July 25 - August 21, 2011.
10. Deborah G., 54, 1st-offense DWI, failure to signal, improper turn, and misrepresentation during booking. Misrepresentation during booking? Come on, officer. Haven’t you ever heard you’re not supposed to ask a lady her age?
9. Lauren A., 20, 1st-offense DWI, headlights required, and license plate required. Too bad Lauren didn't crank up her air conditioning. That would’ve turned on her headlights for sure.
8. Rhett H., 32, 1st-offense DWI, possession of schedule III drugs, and unlawful use of toxic vapors. Looks like Rhett should have asked Taco Bell to 86 the beans on that late-night burrito.
7. Kerry M., 42, 1st-offense DWI, transporting/possessing stolen vehicle, driver’s license suspended/revoked, and possession of drug paraphernalia. Kerry’s favorite movie is obviously Gone in Sixty Seconds, not just because he likes to drive stolen cars, but that’s how fast he finishes his drinks.
6. Dickie D., 18, 2nd-offense DWI, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, and driver’s license suspended/revoked. Dickie can empathize with Moammar Gadhafi. They’re both crazy guys with funny names and a tendency to get bombed.
5. Rodney T., 59, 3rd-offense DWI, driving the wrong way on a one-way street, operating a vehicle while driver’s license is suspended for a prior offense, and hit and run. This isn’t the first time Rodney’s had trouble interpreting signals. Just ask any woman he’s ever hit on.
4. Tracey K., 44, 3rd-offense DWI, operating a vehicle while under suspension for a prior offense, and failure to maintain control of a vehicle. It seems someone needs to check her Facebook news feed more often. That DWI Checkpoint page won’t check itself.
3. Keith J., 35, 4th-offense DWI, driver’s license suspended/revoked, reckless operation of a vehicle, and improper lane usage. The only thing Keith enjoys more than drinking wine is rocking out to classic hard rock. That’s why he drinks vino from the AC/DC wine collection. His two favorites are Back in Black Shiraz and Highway to Hell Cabernet Sauvignon.
2. Bohdan L., 22, 4th-offense DWI and reckless operation of a vehicle. Normally, a 4th boozin’ & cruisin’ charge would all but guarantee winning the Judge Don Johnson Trophy. Sadly for Bohdan, he missed out this month. He could probably use a drink.
1. Jacob A., 22, 5th-offense DWI and reckless operation of a vehicle. As a 22-year-old 5-time veteran of the BACS, Jacob is putting the pride back in Pride … because that’s where he lives.
Congratulations, Jacob. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply pick up a copy of Red Shtick and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.

August 2011 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Fri, 5 Aug 2011 14:11:30 -0500

This portion of the Blood Alcohol Championship Series is typically reserved for honorable mention drunk drivers, but this month, we’re willing to take considerable flack from BACS purists by featuring someone who wasn’t actually behind the wheel while intoxicated. Instead, this person was passed-out drunk in the passenger seat while his 8-year-old son drove his truck down the interstate.
Billy Joe Madden, of Hattiesburg, MS, was arrested just after sunrise on July 30 after a concerned motorist traveling west on I-12 near Holden called state troopers to alert them about a green Chevrolet pickup being driven erratically … apparently by a child.
Troopers pulled the truck over just west of La. 447 in Livingston Parish and determined the 8-year-old boy was the driver. In the back seat, they found his 4-year-old sister. They also established that his 28-year-old father had been riding (and sleeping) shotgun.
After interviewing Madden, troopers further ascertained that he was intoxicated. The troopers made the assessment that he was drunk just after 6:30 in the morning.
They also figured out that this unconventionally adaptive family was traveling from Hattiesburg to Dallas. This presumably means they hit the road a couple hours after closing time. Then, not even two hours from home, Pops was too tuckered out to continue trying to keep it between the lines, so he tapped Junior to take the wheel while the old man got some shuteye for the remaining eight hours of the trip.
It’s too bad the cops stopped them. The kid would have probably gotten the whole driving thing down by the time they hit Dallas traffic. Call it a crash course.
Instead, the boy and girl were turned over to Child Protective Services, while Madden was booked into the Livingston Parish Jail on two counts of child desertion and no child restraint. He was additionally booked on one count each of parent allowing a minor to drive, open-container violation, and no seat belt.
Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from June 20 - July 24, 2011.
10. Efremizimbalist R., 43, 1st-offense DWI and obstruction of a public highway. The arresting officer for this guy must have been exhausted when filling out the arrest report and rested his head on the keyboard. Either that or this guy’s parents were HUGE fans of 77 Sunset Strip. How else do you get “Efremizimbalist”?
9. Elijah S., 20, 1st-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, and possession of marijuana. Elijah’s parents named him after the biblical prophet who ascended into heaven. He ostensibly wants to emulate his namesake.
8. Demetric M., 32, 2nd-offense DWI, open-container violation, and speeding. Demetric drinks his beer by the liter — not pints — because he’s a proponent of de metric system.
7. Thomas M., 64, 1st-offense DWI, disturbing the peace by intoxication, criminal damage to property, and resisting an officer. Baker may not have the best school system, but the folks there sure know how to party.
6. Patrick M., 22, 2nd-offense DWI, driving left of center, driver’s license suspended/revoked, failure to yield to a train, and reckless operation of a vehicle. Dude! You failed to yield to a train and lived? You deserve a drink!
5. Keimaya A., 21, 1st-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, battery of a police officer, resisting an officer by violence/force, and cruelty to juveniles. Keimaya reportedly inflicted cruelty to the juveniles in her vehicle by making them listen to her sing Rihanna songs, which might explain why she went S&M on her arresting officer.
4. Michael J., 28, 1st-offense DWI, escape, negligent vehicle injuring, resisting an officer, criminal mischief, simple battery, and reckless operation of a vehicle. Friends say Michael is a huge fan of old-school hip-hop. As an escape artist, his favorite ’80s rap group is Whodini. And just like the freaks, Michael also likes to come out at night.
3. James H., 19, 3rd-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, and improper lane usage. James’ driver’s license may say 19, but his liver screams 52.
2. Jonathan B., 39, 4th-offense DWI, improper backing, and reckless operation of a vehicle. Improper backing? Too bad Jonathan isn’t a Super PAC like Stephen Colbert. The U.S. Supreme Court has made it virtually impossible for people like him to be charged with improper backing of political candidates.
1. Taylor T., 25, 4th-offense DWI, failure to obey a traffic control device, reckless operation of a vehicle, and driver’s license suspended/revoked. Amy Winehouse’s family says she died from alcohol withdrawals. Taylor apparently doesn’t want to suffer the same fate.
Congratulations, Taylor. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply pick up a copy of Red Shtick and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.

July 2011 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Fri, 1 Jul 2011 15:39:26 -0500

We had a few options for BACS honorable mention this month, including a woman showing up drunk to court to face her 6th DUI and an Idaho state senator arrested in drunk driving and grand larceny. Ultimately, though, we went with a guy who managed to do something that’s likely never been done before and probably never will be accomplished ever again.
Timothy James McGowan, of Mill Valley, CA, was arrested and charged with drunk driving on three consecutive nights in three different cities. Let that sink in like a white Russian made with expired cottage cheese.
Yes, the San Jose Sharks may have been eliminated from the Stanley Cup playoffs in May, but that didn’t deter the 50-year-old Bay Area man from accomplishing a once-in-a-lifetime hat trick.
According to reports, McGowan fired his opening salvo on May 18 a few miles north of his home city in San Rafael, where he tried to enter a closed bank and drove off. The next evening, he was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving in San Francisco.
He then wrapped up his trifecta of boozin’ & cruisin’ on May 20 in nearby Novato. There, McGowan was busted after a woman reported to police that she saw him staggering around a poorly parked Volkswagen Beetle and asked him if he needed help.
Apparently, his epic journey of inebriation had left him famished. McGowan told the woman he was hungry and asked her for a ride to Burger King. When he tried to open her car door, she drove off and called police.
The cops later saw his Beetle making a wide right turn and pulled McGowan over. He subsequently failed a sobriety test and was arrested … again. A blood test revealed his blood-alcohol level was 0.15 percent, nearly double the legal limit.
McGowan’s bail was initially set at $2,500, but after learning about his recent exploits, Novato police requested it be raised to $50,000, saying they believed him to be a “danger to society.” Their request was granted.
After the Novato arrest, a family member told cops that McGowan was a recovering alcoholic who relapsed after a death in the family. His rap sheet includes a 2009 DUI conviction in San Francisco and four public intoxication arrests in Mill Valley between January and April. Past convictions also include petty theft, resisting arrest, and narcotics possession.
McGowan pled not guilty in the Marin County (San Rafael and Novato) cases. There, he faces two years in jail if convicted. He could also face additional consequences if convicted in the San Francisco DUI case.
It may have lasted three nights, but McGowan put on a veritable road show of intoxication. It was like the West Coast swing of a Mötley Crüe concert tour, only without the skanky groupies.
Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from May 23 - June 19, 2011.
By the way, for those of you who were thinking we were going to make fun of the recent, horrific, alcohol-related car crash that killed Jackass star Ryan Dunn, we only have this to say: Shame on you!
10. Daniel M., 20, 1st-offense DWI, simple escape, and unreasonable speed. Unreasonable speed? Was he doing 140 mph in a Porsche after a night of hard drinking? Because that would be unreasonable.
9. Carlos Medina, 37, 1st-offense DWI, operating a vehicle without lawful presence in the United States, driver’s license required, and failure to signal. Carlos reportedly hadn’t bathed in a few days after spending time in a freezing jail cell. In other words, he was a funky, cold Medina.
8. Jose A., 17, 1st-offense DWI, headlights required, possession of marijuana, driver’s license expired, and possession of drug paraphernalia. Jose doesn’t monitor the Facebook page dedicated to informing people about sobriety checkpoints. Facebook is SOOOO passé.
7. Duress W., 33, 3rd-offense DWI, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, and expired driver’s license. Duress was arrested, handcuffed, and booked into Parish Prison. In other words, he was in a state of himself.
6. Kumasi J., 32, 4th-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, improper lane usage, and driver’s license suspended/revoked. Kumasi is a traditional West African name that means “drunken fool.”
5. Christopher K., 41, 4th-offense DWI, operating a vehicle while under suspension for a prior offense, possession of alcohol in a vehicle, unlawful refusal to submit to a chemical test, and required tail lamps. We’re not sure why Christopher refused to take that chemical test. He lives in Livingston Parish, which has some of the best schools in the state, so chances are, he’d have probably aced it.
4. Christopher N., 26, 4th-offense DWI and reckless operation of a vehicle. Reckless operation of a vehicle? What’d he do? Shove a toy car up his butt and get it X-rayed?
3. Michael P., 53, 5th-offense DWI. Beethoven’s 5th was a masterpiece. Michael’s 5th was a drunken blur.
2. Richard R., 48, 5th-offense DWI and failure to maintain control of a vehicle. Richard is such a prolific drunk driver, if DWI arrests were books, he’d be Stephen King, only scarier.
1. Eric L., 36, 5th-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, and driver’s license suspended/revoked. Sure, Eric likes to drink, but has he ever “skulled” an entire bottle of tequila onstage at a concert? Didn’t think so.
Congratulations, Eric. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply pick up a copy of Red Shtick and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.

June 2011 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Fri, 3 Jun 2011 23:49:37 -0500

After her drunk-driving arrest last month, our honorable mention behaved like a model prisoner, in that she’s a former model. Actress Estella Warren allegedly assaulted her arresting officer, managed to slink her skinny wrists out of police handcuffs during booking, and made a run for it, just like any trashed diva who has graced the pages of Sports Illustrated, Vogue, and Vanity Fair.
Los Angeles Police report Maxim’s Hottest Woman of 2000 failed a field sobriety test and was taken into custody just past midnight on May 24 after hitting three parked cars with her Toyota Prius. Following the crash, Warren reportedly kept going before police caught up with her and arrested her.
During the arrest, the Canadian-born Warren apparently tried to impress the cops with what she learned while filming Kangaroo Jack by kicking one of the officers. So much for Canadians being polite.
Once in custody, the Planet of the Apes beauty paid homage to the original film’s star, Charlton Heston. In essence, Warren protested, “Get your stinking cuffs off me, you damn dirty cop!” when she slipped her rail-thin hands out of the restraints and dashed for the back door.
She was quickly recaptured and booked with an additional charge of felony escape. However, because officers had not actually booked Warren into the system, authorities have since said she did not legally commit felony escape. So thanks to a loophole almost as big as her handcuffs, she has escaped the escape charge.
Later that afternoon, Warren was freed after posting $100,000 bail. She’s due back in court on June 14, when she’ll face assault, hit-and-run, and driving under the influence charges.
In her defense, she has a background as a synchronized swimmer, which might explain why she drinks like a fish. And at 5-foot-8, 115 pounds, it’s nearly as easy to get sh—tfaced merely from the vapors at a bar as it is slipping one’s emaciated hands from police handcuffs.
Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from April 25 - May 22, 2011.
10. Jonathan R., 19, 2nd-offense DWI, intimidating the public, and resisting an officer. A 19-year-old threatening his arresting officer’s job is impressive enough. It’s even more impressive when you consider Jonathan hails from Ethel.
9. John T., 30, 1st-offense DWI, possession of marijuana, turns not allowed, speeding, equipment violation, possession of drug paraphernalia, drinking in a motor vehicle, motor vehicle inspection required, and driver’s license suspended/revoked. Lately, John’s friends have been calling him “Old Man River” since he likes to get high … just like the Mississippi.
8. April M., 25, 1st-offense DWI, possession of marijuana, driver’s license suspended/revoked, possession of an alcoholic beverage in a vehicle, driver’s license not on person, reckless operation of a vehicle, motor vehicle inspection required, possession of drug paraphernalia, and sale/possession of a legend drug. Wow! Whether it’s making her first foray into the BACS or puking in a toilet after closing time, April sure knows how to make a splash!
7. Mitchell K., 48, 4th-offense DWI. Friends say Mitchell has been acting quite “presidential” as of late. Apparently, he’s been drinking an assload of Guinness.
6. Heather R., 32, 3rd-offense DWI, improper lane usage, driver’s license suspended, and possession of alcohol in a vehicle. Heather must have been really disappointed she wasn’t raptured last month since she’s partied most of her life like there’s no tomorrow.
5. James L., 25, 3rd-offense DWI, driving left of center, improper lane usage, and reckless operation of a vehicle. When it comes to publicly falling flat on one’s face, Newt Gingrich ain’t got sh—t on James.
4. Ronak D., 27, 3rd-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, and hit and run. Ronak gets drunk to help support the WNBA, mainly because he changes the channel when he sobers up.
3. Lyndi G., 27, 3rd-offense DWI and careless operation of a vehicle. Lyndi’s like South Louisiana’s version of Snooki. Of course, Snooki is capable of writing a book. Lyndi just gets booked.
2. Jerry R., 27, 3rd-offense DWI, possession of Schedule II drugs, and reckless operation of a vehicle. What most people call The Hangover Part II, Jerry calls a typical Thursday night.
1. Embra W., 56, 4th-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, and possession of an alcoholic beverage in a vehicle. Embra is like Osama bin Laden, in that he was wasted for most of last month.
Congratulations, Embra. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply pick up a copy of Red Shtick and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.

May 2011 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Fri, 6 May 2011 11:48:07 -0500

Rachel Oberlin has managed to keep her hometown of Fort Wayne, IN, where she pled guilty last month to drunk driving, in two consecutive issues of Red Shtick. Last month’s Sphincter Spotlight, Fort Wayne Mayor Tom Henry, dissed the memory of former mayor Harry Baals. Coincidentally, Oberlin (aka adult film star Bree Olson) has dealt with more than her share of Harry Baals.
The 24-year-old blonde recently became a household name by dating and touring with everybody’s favorite train wreck, actor Charlie Sheen. When he pronounced Oberlin — star of such films as New Whores 6, Grand Theft Anal 10, and Teenage Brotha Lovers 12 — was one of his “goddesses,” millions of married men had to pretend they had no idea who she is. “Bree Olson? Isn’t she one of the Olsen twins?”
Oberlin originally faced charges of driving under the influence, speeding, and reckless driving stemming from a crash earlier this year. In a deal with prosecutors, though, she pled guilty on April 26 only to the lesser, Class C misdemeanor charge of operating a motor vehicle while intoxicated. If the judge accepts the plea agreement, the “goddess” will be sentenced to complete a period of community service and a year of unsupervised probation.
Back on the evening of February 3, police arrested Oberlin for DUI after she plowed her black Lexus into a light pole. That’s ironic since a large black man named Lex has plowed into her on multiple occasions.
She told responding police officers that she slid on ice. However, police at the scene reported she smelled of alcohol, was unsteady on her feet, and had watery, bloodshot eyes.
Watery, bloodshot eyes? Anyone who’s seen her movies can tell you she almost always has watery, bloodshot eyes. It’s called gagging.
Despite her claim of having only two beers at a club that evening, Oberlin’s blood-alcohol level was reportedly more than twice the legal limit based on her blowing a 0.19 on a breath test. That sounds impressive until you consider all the blowing she’s done in her career.
All this talk about the adult film industry has inspired us to assign each of our top ten BACS contestants his own porn name, despite the probability he’s usually too drunk to perform.
Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from March 21 - April 24, 2011.
10. Jonathan W., 28, 3rd-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, and failure to signal. Jonathan likes to get hammered on Jack Daniels. Ergo, his porn name is “Jack Hammer.”
9. Stephen J., 38, 3rd-offense DWI, open-container violation, and ignition interlock device off. Stephen’s adult films alias is “Malt Licker.” Drink up, ladies.
8. Austin C., 24, 3rd-offense DWI and driving left of center. Austin enjoys doing two things after a long night of drinking: eating Mexican fast food and rocking some young lady’s world. His porn name is “Rocko D. Taco.”
7. Matthew K., 23, 1st-offense DWI, illegal use of blue lights, illegal carrying of a weapon, carrying a firearm on school property, driver’s license suspended/revoked, and failure to dim headlights. Matthew’s porn moniker is “Peter Gunn.” Be careful, officer: No bulletproof vest will protect you from his weapon of choice.
6. Brennon R., 25, 2nd-offense DWI, resisting an officer through force/violence, intimidating the public, battery of a police officer, and obstruction of a public passage. Brennon is best known for his testicles, as proven by his actions during his arrest. Therefore, he gets the fetish adult film star name “Johnny Highball.”
5. Phil D., 46, 4th-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, and improper lane usage. Phil likes to drink a lesser-known brand of Tennessee whiskey. He’d perform under the name “George Dickel.”
4. Mark S., 31, 4th-offense DWI, failure to signal, and reckless operation of a vehicle. Due to his love of Knob Creek bourbon, we dub Mark “Knob Johnson.”
3. Jeremy J., 29, 4th-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, and improper lane usage. Jeremy enjoys imbibing many of the fine brands carried by Glazer’s Distributors, which is why his porn name is “Mugsy Glazer.” Also, if he were an actual porn star, he’d likely glaze the mugs of his female counterparts.
2. Charles L., 29, 4th-offense DWI, failure to signal, reckless operation of a vehicle, and driver’s license suspended/revoked. Charles is “Jackoff Smirnoff.” He typically drinks vodka … alone.
1. James M., 44, 6th-offense DWI, driver’s license required, operating a vehicle while under suspension, reckless operation of a vehicle, improper lane usage, and failure to signal/improper turn. James has excessive body hair and untreated high blood pressure. His porn name is “Harry Strokes.”
Congratulations, James. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply pick up a copy of Red Shtick and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.

April 2011 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Fri, 1 Apr 2011 12:02:53 -0500

Decisions, decisions. There were so many notable stories of drunk-driving arrests from around the country worthy of inclusion in this month’s BACS. However, only one of those reports has an enormous hypocrisy factor, thus making it much more worthy than the rest for honorable mention in a contest where the top prize is named after Judge Don Johnson.
We thought about going with 49-year-old Katherine Morse, of Colorado, who was arrested in a Denver suburb for drunk driving and obstruction after griping to the police about how they parked their patrol cars as they were investigating a DUI-related crash at a busy intersection.
Police there said they had parked their cars in such a way to prevent a suspected drunk driver involved in the crash from leaving the scene.
Morse reportedly walked up to the officers on the scene and became “belligerent with them, telling them it was a stupid place” for a traffic stop. When she refused to obey police orders to return to her car and leave, officers realized “she too was drunk” and took her into custody.
Then there’s another 49-year-old — Keith Gruber, of Swan Lake, NY — who showed up to his felony DWI hearing late, drunk, and carrying an open can of Busch beer, along with four more stashed in a black bag.
Gruber was there to appear before Judge Frank LaBuda to face charges stemming from his December 27 arrest and was out on $30,000 cash bail. He reportedly has prior DWI convictions. Shocking.
Gruber apparently tried to walk through the metal detector at the county courthouse with his “alcohaul,” only to be nabbed by court security guards as he tried to toss the open can.
After confiscating the bag, guards brought Gruber before an angry Judge LaBuda, who asked him if he enjoyed his “liquid lunch.” Gruber said he did and apologized, right before the judge revoked his bail and sent him to jail.
As mentioned before, though, the accused drunk driver most deserving of ink this month has to be one of the most hypocritical we’ve heard about since Judge Don Johnson, namely because she’s the former president of a Florida chapter of Mothers Against Drunk Driving.
According to The Gainesville Sun, 48-year-old realtor Debra Oberlin was arrested by the Gainesville Police Department in February after blowing 0.234 and 0.239 on breath-alcohol tests, nearly three times Florida’s legal limit of 0.08.
An officer reportedly pulled Oberlin over after spotting her driving erratically, swerving, and crossing lanes. He stated that she smelled of alcohol and had watery, bloodshot, and dilated eyes. The officer’s report also states that Oberlin told him she had had four beers.
“Four beers” is apparently the Florida equivalent of Louisiana’s “two beers,” which is the unofficial standard response when an officer asks a driver how much he or she has had to drink. Ask anyone who’s ever bought beer in Florida, and he’ll tell you it takes a six-pack just to get a good buzz due to the reduced alcohol content mandated by the Sunshine State.
The Sun’s report also said the “Gainesville MADD chapter existed for several years in the 1990s before closing in 1996 because of lack of financial support. Oberlin was the chapter president for three years.” We can’t help but wonder where all the money might have gone. (Perhaps a kick-ass margarita machine?)
In any case (of beer), it seems like Oberlin tried to bring a little more cheer into her life by going from being the face of MADD to a regular at happy hour.
Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from February 21 — March 20, 2011.
10. Kenneth F., 33, 1st-offense DWI, expired driver’s license, three counts of failure to signal, two counts of expired inspection sticker, two counts of license plate required, two counts of improper lane usage, insurance required, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, driver’s license suspended/revoked, and improper lane usage. Kenneth must have a clone, because that’s about the only way we can figure he managed to get multiple counts of an expired inspection sticker and no license plate.
9. Mary B., 37, 1st-offense DWI, simple battery, driver not in possession of driver’s license, reckless operation of a vehicle, contempt of court, two counts of vehicular negligent injuring, and failure to maintain control of a vehicle. Sounds like Mary’s a fan of Chris Brown.
8. Andrew B., 20, 1st-offense DWI, possession of Schedule IV drugs, improper lane usage, distribution/manufacturing of Schedule I drugs, and possession of drug paraphernalia. It looks like Andrew’s NCAA basketball championship bracket isn’t the only thing that got busted.
7. David T., 49, 3rd-offense DWI, two counts of possession of alcohol in a vehicle, parking where prohibited, and two counts of operating a vehicle while under suspension. David’s friends call him Gadhafi because he likes to get bombed. Plus, he kind of looks like him when he gets shi—tfaced.
6. Nicholas C., 31, 3rd-offense DWI, stop sign/yield sign violation, failure to signal/improper turn, improper lane usage, and operating a vehicle while under suspension. Nicholas likes to watch Fox News during happy hour. The bartender knows he’s had a few too many when he says he’d love to “suck on Ann Coulter’s Adam’s apple.”
5. Wallace D., 43, 4th-offense DWI, driver’s license suspended/revoked, and reckless operation of a vehicle. Wallace reportedly got so drunk last month, he actually thought about donating money to Buddy Roemer’s presidential campaign.
4. Curtis S., 29, 4th-offense DWI and license plate required. A drunk Curtis behind the wheel is almost as frightening as Nancy Grace with a 12” strap-on.
3. Christie F., 22, 3rd-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, and failure to use turn signal. Christie was upset and had too much to drink after learning she wasn’t getting an invitation to this month’s royal wedding in England.
2. Jacob V., 21, 3rd-offense DWI, improper lane usage, and operating vehicle while under suspension for prior offense. Jason’s given up sobriety for Lent.
1. Molly B., 28, 5th-offense DWI, possession of drug paraphernalia, simple escape, possession of Schedule IV drugs, self-mutilation, and reckless operation of a vehicle. Wow. Molly has more issues than Life magazine. She makes the Bad Girls Club look like a convent.
Congratulations, Molly. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply pick up a copy of Red Shtick and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.