Well, it’s been an eventful autumn in the world of sports. But here, BPC breaks it down for you like an enzyme, Michaelis-Menten style…

In boxing, Vitali Klitschko beat Cris Arreola in a 10-round knockout. This happened in front of a crowd of 14,556 people at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. The matchup between guys with names like Klitschko and Arreola also produced a record number of anatomy-part-themed jokes.

Mixed martial arts and cage-fighting events have gained popularity locally as well as nationally, with fights taking place at Raxx, in Erwinville. You know this because there are radio commercials for “Rumble at Raxx” every 17 seconds. The best part happens when they advertise a lingerie show. Raxx of Erwinville claims it has “the best lingerie show in town.”

Week 9 college football rankings placed Florida at the top of all but one poll. With schools like Charleston Southern and Troy in their lineup, there are those who argue that the Gators have had a weak schedule. In fact, BPC is receiving phone calls for tickets to Florida at St. Joseph’s Academy.

Also in college football, USC’s running back Stafon Johnson has been released from the hospital following a neck-crushing weight room accident. Although Johnson has made remarkable progress since the September 28 accident, many politicians and American Idol contestants have received anonymously sent gift cards for memberships at Stafon Johnson’s gym.

Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow continues to enamor the sports media. Tebow’s injury in the Gators’ victory at Kentucky made in-game vomiting the latest trend in close-ups. College football now features high-definition chunks on every Saturday, like those of LSU’s left guard Lyle Hitt.

In addition to Tebow’s influence on game coverage, the young football star has even gone so far as to dampen others’ names. Following the Gators’ 13-3 victory over LSU, wide receiver Riley Cooper had his name legally changed to “Tim Tebow’s roommate.” This increased the wide receiver’s name-searches on Google by approximately 2,300 per day.

In the NFL, Steelers place kicker Jeff Reed has been cited for public intoxication. This was Reed’s second incident within a year’s time, as Reed had pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct charges after beating up a paper towel dispenser in New Alexandria, PA. The dispenser incident is not a mystery to anyone from Pennsylvania, however. Wet hands in the winter at a gas station are f–king painful – when are they going to refill the towels?

In other news from the champion Steelers, punter Daniel Sepulveda is shooting the pilot of a proposed FOX sitcom, Sepulveda and Sepultura, about the zany adventures of an NFL punter who almost shares his name with a Brazilian heavy metal band. The band and punter will be shown as neighbors, leaving lots of opportunities for noise complaints and mismailed drug packages. If green-lighted, the show will go almost directly to syndication. Sepulveda… is predicted to be almost as annoying as Everybody Loves Raymond.

In Green Bay’s Monday Night Football contest at Minnesota, the Packers lost to the Vikings with a final score of 30-23. Following the game, Brett Favre made out with Donald Driver’s helmet, causing the item to be coveted on eBay by irrational female fans. The whereabouts of the helmet are currently unbeknownst to this reporter. I just sold my mother’s kidneys to increase my bid.

Ex-Hole front woman Courtney Love is back in court, suing Denver Broncos wide receiver Eddie Royal over the use of Nirvana lyrics to sell Royal’s own brand of tea. However, the courts are likely to side with Royal. After all, he took it to the house for two running TDs against San Diego, so who wouldn’t sit and drink Eddie Royal Tea?

A public-opinion poll about the NFL “Throwback Unis” being sported by the original eight AFL teams has ruled that the uniforms are “not as ugly as those with pink trim.” Pink trim was added to NFL gear this season in attempts to promote breast cancer awareness. The trimmed gear was to stay for the month of October, after which it will be retained in case of a sponsorship deal with Pepto-Bismol.

Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez is the subject of scrutiny once again, after downing a hot dog on the sideline during a recent 38-0 win at Oakland. But Sanchez’s food choice was only made to remain consistent with that really weird, midriff-baring, phone-talking, lifeguard shack photo. The Jets were all out of bananas.

And finally, in college football, a celebration broke out when Texas Christian University took a big win over the entire company of Yahoo! Wait … I’m being told that the logo actually belongs to BYU, or Brigham Young University. You can tell because it lacks the exclamation point.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that’s all we’ve got for this edition of BPC’s Month in Review. But join us again for the next one … whenever I decide to do it. Aloha and Polamalu!