Slander! Treason! Lies! Juiced! SportsCenter is starting to look like Hard Copy. Becks is screwing L.A. A-Rod is screwing Madonna. “Boli” is screwing A-Rod, and Michael Phelps’ bong landed him with a three-month suspension from competition. Sports is, officially, “tell-all.”

I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of the bullsh–t! Maybe A-Rod was actually doing “Boboli,” the Original Pizza Crust. And what if the IOC isn’t really mad at Michael Phelps so much as they care for his safety. I mean, everyone knows you need to wait three months after eating eight boxes of Twinkies and a bucket of fried chicken…

The point is, Serenas and Lances, negativity blows! It leaves out of the game what’s really important: college basketball! Why is it that I must wait for the rankings through another verse of “Everybody’s Got a Cousin in the Dominican?” The Tournament is upon us now.

And that’s really what I’m getting to. You know that Excel spreadsheet that has your office pool? The one that goes out at the end of every day so that you can see everybody’s points standing? You know that douche bag in last place? Oh wait, that’s you? Ha ha ha!

Before you mail me anthrax, realize: that was me, too! I was that douche bag picking 16-seeds to beat the 1s. I picked the Final Four to be John, Paul, George, and Ringo. I gave up that 20 bucks like I was tipping a one-nutted Chippendale. I was the one … with my name at the end of the list!

I had the “Basketball Diarrhea,” but at least I knew the cure. (Hint: it’s not “Pepto-Gasol.”) I called up my buddy Kevin Reitmeyer, who is an Associate Sports Producer for KDKA-TV. The two of us held a summit (er … the “Pat” Summit, as it were) of all that is college basketball. So, here are my tips:

You are not God.

There are no Voodoo Brackets. No matter how much you love LSU, the SEC is one of the weaker conferences this year. Yeah, the Tigers are doing well. They’ve got four returning players from their 2006 Final Four team (Mitchell, Temple, Johnson, and Farrer). They’ve beat Arkansas twice, Auburn once, and they’ll probably do it again. But LSU’s schedule strength is currently at 111, a gaping contrast to, say, Michigan State – a Big 10 school with a similar in-conference record to LSU’s. Michigan State’s SOS is a 5.

Point is, LSU may fall victim to an 11-6, 10-7, or 9-8 upset. This is not entirely unlike the 2-7 off-suit in Hold ’Em, because the numbers fight your logic. An initial 5-seed is an initial 5-seed, except when it plays Butler (Maryland, Siena, etc. …) or a lot of lesser-seeded schools from stronger conferences.

Speaking of upsets, I know you’re thinking about them right now. Yummm, Cinderella stories like Gonzaga’s, or that reporter who threw his shoes? Just pick your upsets for the first round. The top-seeded teams that have been playing in the top conferences will still be playing in the second week.

Also with the upsets, don’t get too trigger-happy. If you pick six upsets and only two of them happen, that’s four whole destinies you have farted out and lit on fire. Your office pool will become like a game of musical chairs, and your cheese will be stinking alone.

73 percent of people surveyed thought
“DeJuan” was a type of synthetic textile.

OK, then, so who are these great teams? Robots? Maybe. But even if they are, there are only three conferences vying for four 1-seeds. So the Big East’ll be like the Democrats: they’ll most likely have the two #1s. Observe:

University of Pittsburgh

1. •Advantage: Experience, and offense! Pitt is recovering more than 40 percent of its own rebounds, much like your sister. What, she’s a nun? Oh. And she’s dead? Sh–t! I’m so sorry. Of course I’ll buy the next round! What were we talking about?
   

2. •Players: LeVance Fields is a mastermind at point guard, setting up Sam Young for the score. Fields is the Gretzky of roundball – he takes care of said ball, and Pitt doesn’t turn it over.  Add to this DeJuan Blair, who picks up after the swoosh. Blair, a sophomore, leads the nation in offensive rebounds. In battle against the Huskies, Blair dropped 22 points and 23 rebounds. He also attempted swing-dancing with Hasheem Thabeet…
   

University of Connecticut

1. •Advantage: UConn spreads out their offense, and center Hasheem Thabeet is so good at blocking shots, teams won’t go to the middle. This forces opponents to take shots from bad places, such as the locker rooms and Canada.
   

2. •Disadvantage: After the game against Pitt, Coach Jim Calhoun seemed overly concerned with what is allowed in the “Ehn. Bee. A. Hmph!”
   

University of Oklahoma

1. •Advantage: The Midwest is nothing more than a basketball court that is interrupted, every so often, by corn. So why shouldn’t the Sooners kick ass?
   

2. •Player to Watch: The kid who will win national player of the year – Blake Griffin. This big forward leads the nation in rebounding – he’s a smart player who stays out of foul trouble. Griffin is backed by a whole team of good shooters and role-players. The only way to stop Oklahoma is to stuff Griffin’s shorts full of earwigs! (Or, apparently, to have him concussed …)
   

University of North Carolina

1. •Advantage: A herd of high-school All-Americans, UNC is the best and most athletic team in the Madness. Ty Lawson is the ultimate in versatility this year with an assists-to-turnovers ratio of 3.29 and an average of 16.2 points per game. In a nutshell, these guys run it up the court, find an open guy, and make the basket. UNC is the new Duke…
   

2. •A little history: UNC went to the Final Four last year and have pretty much the same team. If they happen to play two or three really tough teams with different styles, the Tar Heels would have to make adjustments. But even then, they’d have the potential to take it all!
   

Enough already; who’s the “Mister Rogers”
of this ultimate showdown?

I can see you are a reader of discerning taste. I can also tell that your sh–t break is over. Alright then, it’s UNC! Remember that this is about “Who can play the best basketball while IN the NCAA tournament?” And right now, the Tar Heels have the potential to be that amorphous, highly adaptable team.

This said, it has been a crazy week. The Tar Heels handed a shocking loss to Maryland, and the five Big East teams in the top ten could give UNC a run for their money. In the meantime, we’ll see how the Tar Heels take it out on their remaining opponent – Duke.