Spring is the time to be stupid. It’s the time to race shopping carts on the levee. It’s the time to poke a bear with an alligator.

Even the schools are letting out soon. And yet, they are still giving your kids homework, which will only become a problem for you. Your kid will go watch the baseball game while you figure all the possible coin combinations in a stimulus package. (The worksheet then includes an envelope so you can enclose one.)

Annikas and Tigers, this is bunk! When I was a kid, we learned about “eras.” Eras are time periods so big that they can hold dinosaurs. The four major eras are the Paleozoic, Mesozoic, Cenozoic, and Steroid – that’s the one we’re in now.

Our world is holding up creatures like Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens. The two of them once killed and ate Randy Johnson as he stood peacefully amongst the conifers. So the Steroid Era has had a good run. It has taken a great deal of perjury and needles!

But let us take this a step further. Imagine an era in which the dinosaurs don’t eat pills. They might not grow as big, but they won’t appear to have “amphibian DNA” later in life, either. These new, “clean” dinosaurs might not be able to swat pterodactyls, but they’re fast enough to always beat predators home. Best of all, the new dinosaurs won’t become fossils any time soon…

What I’m talking about is LSU – baseball beyond the steroid era. Why should we bash baseball when LSU’s is so pure?!

Lately, parents say: “I don’t want my kid getting mixed up with ‘baseball’!” The word is replacing “drugs,” or “Charles Manson.” But the evil hasn’t come to LSU! (It wasn’t even eligible for TOPS this year…)

No, here at LSU, the evolution is happening. Paleontologists have traced Coach Paul Mainieri back to a missing link known as the Limbaughsaurus rush, although Mainieri is clearly the superior species. A mere third the Rush’s size, the Mainieri has an advanced dental structure that produces a genuine smile. And when Mainieri is questioned (about his team, outlook, shaving cream, ANYTHING), Mainieri is so positive that sunshine drips from his socks. You’ll never see him go ape-Leland!

One heads-up about LSU baseball, though: It lacks TV games. Only 11 of the regular-season games will air this year. And they’ll be on local Cox Sports TV or regional Fox Sports, where college baseball will undoubtedly be bookended by talk shows about fishing. For those without cable TV, you can go to the radio at 98.1 or even to the internet if you miss the live game, but let me tell you: This is not for the faint of heart!

The “GeauxZone” version of the game (it’s like a podcast without the “Pod”) begins with five minutes of Muzak so bad that it upset my Labrador retriever. After about three minutes, the music doesn’t stop, but you do get what sounds like Jim Hawthorne there to coach you through the muzak.

Jim says: “Five minutes till airtime on the LSU Sports network!” This is divided into 30-second intervals by the voice of Jim, which informs us just how much more Muzak there is. At one point, he actually says that, if you experience a problem, you can call either 225-578-4808 or 1-800-315-8255, both of which lead to a rotary phone in his grandparents’ basement. (I called both numbers and all I got was a ringtone that smelled like onions…)

But the “GeauxZone” eventually gets you the game broadcast, with play-by-play by Charles Hanagriff. In a world of tinny, Harry Caray-wannabes, Hanagriff is the relief. When he talks, all you see is the game. In the recent series versus South Carolina, he was careful to NOT say, “Well, after all THAT excitement, Gamecocks are up!”

What’s more, Hanagriff is the homegrown of sports radio … If you can listen to him and still feel stressed, you are wound like the nuclear football, and your tax return will probably kill you. Sorry.

So maybe now you’ve got a radio, or the internet, or maybe you’re one of those idiots dancing around on Nicholson at rush hour as you walk to the game. Either way, I have one more homework assignment for you. Relax; it’s not square-root canals…

No, fifth-base coaches, I am going to give you a few basics on how to use an LSU score sheet (available at http://www.lsusports.net/fls/5200/assets/docs/bb/pdf/07scoresheet.pdf?SPSID=27865&SPID=2173&DB_OEM_ID=5200) to enjoy a game. You won’t be asked to run away with the team anytime soon, but your kid will love making the marks when his/her favorite player gets a hit!

What’s more, space cadets are 48% less likely to talk to people who are writing (courtesy: Journal of Metrics and Engine Grease). This fact is true even if you’re just doing X’s and O’s!

What you’re about to see are a few hypothetical batting scenarios, and what you would write on your card for each one … unless you’re at home and you’re drinking, ’cause then you’d just mustache the tiger…

Some Setup

You have sheets for both “Visitor” and “LSU.” The columns are pretty elementary. “No.” refers to the player’s number; “Pos.” refers to the player’s position number, as diagrammed on the tiny diamond at the bottom of the card. (I think most earrings have more carats than that diamond…wtf?)

And, of course, “Name” refers to each batter. Be sure to fill them out in order with a space in between each one. This is in case a guy gets gum on his spikes and has to be replaced. Oh, and for a DH, there’s no position number, just “DH,” so quit looking for that on your diamond.

Each numbered column is actually an inning, and each little “+” will be used to show a batter’s progress that inning, not his charge.

Here, let’s go through some.

Walk

So, say first up for LSU is #3 Jared Mitchell. He gets walked, so you make a line in his 1-box connecting the bottom and right points of the “+.” Along that line, you can write the letters “BB.” So that was one time he got “to base on balls.” Heehee.

Stolen Base

OK, #5 Derek Helenihi is up. And while this would NEVER happen in real life to one of our beloved Tigers, say he strikes out. (Quit spitting on my picture – this is just for the sake of instruction!)

So Helenihi strikes out looking, which is why we write the BACKWARD “K” in Helenihi’s own 1-box. If he were swinging, you would just write a forward “K.”

Furthermore, you add a numeral “1” to the bottom left of the “+.” This way you can remember it was the first out. Awwwwwww.

But take heart. While all of this was going on, Jared Mitchell was stealing second base! Yes!

So go back up to his 1-box and draw him another line, this time connecting “first” with “second.” Along the second line, you can write “SB.” While this does not stand for “soul brother,” it does denote Mitchell’s stolen base. So all’s well that ends this example.

Bird Poop

It can land on your card at any minute during a game, OK? Be prepared!

Fly Ball

Next up is #14 Sean Ochinko. He hits a high fly ball to center field. Unfortunately, it gets caught, but Mitchell stays on second.

So in the middle of Ochinko’s 1-box, you’d write “F8.” This means that the batter didn’t get to base, because a fly ball to center (“8”) got caught.

In the lower left of Ochinko’s 1-box, you can also write a numeral “2.” This denotes the second out.

Single

Next we have #17 D.J. LeMahieu. He gets a hit, and it’s shot past the shortstop. See, I don’t kill everybody like I’m writing soaps!

So you can make a line radiating outward from “home” to between the top and left points of LeMahieu’s first “+.” Don’t make it too dark – you’re not etching commandments. And, you can connect the “home” and “first” points of the “+” to denote where LeMahieu is.

If you have room, you can even write a “1B” next to that line to remember that he got a single. Geaux Tigers!

RBI

This one is tricky … because there is no real, scientific method for marking an RBI. Here, however, is one option.

Say #34 Blake Dean is up. He gives us a double to right. Make a line to right on his “+” and write “2B”; you’re getting it…

But don’t forget that Mitchell was on second already! Mitchell gets to run in, so you can complete the diamond around his own first “+.” This leaves the problem of the RBI…

The LSU scorecard has, at the far right, columns to total all sorts of parameters: at-bats, runs, hits, cup adjustments, and RBI. One way to mark a batter’s RBIs on the LSU sheet would be to make a tally mark in the RBI column for each one that batter gets during the game.

It may be quick, and it may be dirty, but hey – so are the Tigers’ pants. In the end, you’ll know how many RBIs each one got, without developing too much Greek.

Out at First

It had to happen eventually … #33 Micah Gibbs is up, and he hits to the shortstop. Shortstop throws to first, and Gibbs doesn’t beat the out.

In that case, you use the numbers from the diamond at the bottom to make a big “6-3” on Gibbs’ first “+.” On the bottom left of that “+,” you write a “3” to signal the third out.

And the Tigers take the field. Go to the other team’s score sheet; we’ll say it’s South Carolina…

Caught on Base

OK, for South Carolina, #19 Jackie Bradley Jr. is up, and he walks to first. Next up is #5 Whit Merrifield, who bounces one to LeMahieu at short.

What happens here is that Bradley is forced to run to second, only to be tagged. So Bradley’s first “+” should show his walk, but with a partial line to second and a circle where second would be. Lastly, the numeral “1” should sit at the bottom left corner: one out!

Remember, though, that LeMahieu could have just as easily thrown to Ochinko at first, sending Whit Merrifield back to the tadpoles. Sparing Merrifield was the fielder’s choice. This is denoted by a big “FC” to the right of first in Merrifield’s box. Also, remember the line to show his progress.

Double Play

My game, my destinies…

#17 DeAngelo Mack is up for the Gamecocks. He also hits to LeMahieu at shortstop. LeMahieu makes an easy toss to Ryan Schimpf at second, who tags Merrifield out. Schimpf, of course, throws to first, where Ochinko catches it before Mack has even tied his shoes.

In terms of the position numbers, this is a 6-4-3 double play, and you’ll write it across Mack’s first box. The only things you’ll need to add are a “DP” at top right, and a “3” at bottom left. Mack was the Gamecocks’ third out.

That said, you can show a similar stop to progress for Merrifield as we have for other stopped runners. Circle his second and make him out “2.”

Babes and Babes, what I’m trying to give you back is a love for baseball. Whether you’re out on your back porch or in the new Box, you get DPs without doping. H’s without HGH. Wins without winstrol. You get the idea.

After all, isn’t Ryan Schimpf more evolved than Ryan “Schmonkey?” I believe that science says SO!