I learned I’d work there if their TVs showed hockey games! (And also if I had giant knockers.)

I grew up in Pittsburgh, PA. This was during the “Lemieux Era,” when the Penguins had TWO whole years to violate Lord Stanley’s Cup. My friends and I didn’t hang out at the mall on weekends. Our skates were on the ice!

Flashback…

Me (with big hair and braces): Wow, Denise, did you see how I cut that corner? I bet Mario would be impressed!

Denise (helping me up): Yeah! Especially if you hadn’t fallen!

Tracey: Let’s stop in the pro shop on the way out. They have a signed poster of Jaromir.

All of us: Jaromir Jagr! Squeeeeee!

Skate forward to 2009. Sidney Crosby is at the helm. Evgeni Malkin is the assistant. The Pittsburgh Penguins won three rounds of playoffs, facing the Washington Capitals in the second.

The series was like a Clash of the Cars! Crosby, a “playmaker,” had 103 points and is 2nd in assists this season. Ovechkin, an “a–hole,” had 110 points (56 from assists) and is last year’s league MVP.

Still not feeling it? Fine, I’ll help you out. Here is a snippet of Game 1 action. To provide some meaning for a non-hockey fan, I’ve replaced the words “Crosby” with “OPRAH” and “Ovechkin” with “DICK CHENEY.” Ahem:

Early in the first, OPRAH faced a one-on-two. But OPRAH cut to the middle and fired across for the 1-0 lead.

This goal was soon answered and the game was tied. DICK CHENEY then took a “soft one” on goaltender Fleury for the 2-1 lead.

But OPRAH, being generous with opportunities, set up Chris Kunitz to beat Varlamov. This tied the game at 2 late in the second period.

Game 1 went to DICK CHENEY, however. He is one elusive shooter!

Now do you get how big this is? The drama’s not even over.

The Pens have swept the Carolina Hurricanes out to the Atlantic where such systems belong. Game 3 saw two goals for Evgeni Malkin, but the best was his assist. Malkin drop-passed between his legs to Ruslan Fedotenko, who fired the puck past goaltender Ward. It was the prettiest thing since Rachel Alexandra, and the Pens will play for the Stanley Cup! It’ll be a grudge rematch of last year’s finals, a battle with the Detroit Red Wings!

This leads me to question…

The internet’s in everything from airline seats to outhouses. So are you ever really “out-of-market?” Are there others like me in Baton Rouge, looking for a place to watch a hockey game? Is there such a thing as being a “Dixie” Cup Crazy?

I’ve already bitched about the Versus network (channel 817 of your marginal cable package). It’s the one national channel that carries hockey, but you can’t get it. Versus costs 12345678 dollars ‘cause it only comes with the Grout Channel, the Meat Channel, the Dr. Phil Channel, and four hundred other stations you don’t want.

But God created sports bars. The Bible says this happened on the sixth day, so that He’d have a place to watch football on Sundays. God made sports bars get the channels you don’t.  So I decided to check a couple out.

The first one was Buffalo Wild Wings, or BW2 for you math junkies. This is a national chain that advertises its sports capacity. Inside, I saw LSU baseball, the Indy 500, and even a poster from the previous night’s fight. But I saw no hockey, and that day’s game was on NBC.

I asked the manager what channels he had. Layne was a wiry guy, not expecting the question.

“We get these,” he said. Layne pulled out two sheets of paper covered with the names of sports networks and satellite services. They had everything from Sevens Rugby to Dog Baseball. But no Versus. God did not install hockey at Buffalo Wild Wings.

I thanked Layne for his time and let him get back to wing-making. Clearly, I had to get serious. If I wanted to know what local sports fans were up to, I had to get right to the source…

“Welcome to Hooters,” said a tall girl at the door. “How may I help you?”

Good question, I thought. I didn’t want to say, “You have big jugs. Do guys still watch the TVs?”

I looked up at the girl and said, “People come here for the wings and the ‘atmosphere,’ but also to watch a game with friends. Can you tell me what people watched last night?”

Suddenly, I was surrounded. There were a dozen bored Hooters girls and their manager, all willing to answer questions.

“I get phone calls about the UFC fights,” said Manager Chris.

A blonde waitress piped up. “They’ll get in at 5 p.m. for a 9 p.m. fight!” she said. (Those fights last ten short minutes!)

“Wow, I bet they get really smashed!” I said.

“Oh yeah,” said a waitress named Stacy. “We had a guy last night try to stand up and he knocked over pitchers. I had bets on who was going to be cut off first!”

“And this happens your whole shift?” I asked. “How do y’all deal with a packed house of drunk UFC fans?”

A waitress to my left laughed. “We have security,” she said. Heh. There you have it.

Chris listed Hooters’ sports networks for me, but among them was NOT Versus. I thanked Chris for his time and headed outside.

“Wait!” said one of the girls. “Why’re you wearing the bib? You didn’t even eat here.”

“Right,” I said. “I knew that.” So much for blending in.

What have we learned here?

Baton Rouge is a non-hockey town. I don’t mean it hates hockey; I simply mean it’s not the norm. From our local cable to satellite at sports bars, you’ll only see ice in the drinks.

So my childhood in Pittsburgh and adulthood in Baton Rouge are connected by a sea of contrast. I can hear a game on the internet, but in bars, I can never see it.

In other words…

Hockey: It’s like when a tree falls at the French Open.