Have you noticed? Cereal boxes are starting to suck. Like this one for Winn-Dixie Corn Flakes – the back says: The Internet and How It Works! Then it tells you about computers.

I guess the box is good if you are from Iowa and still have a Commodore 64 with a Zenith TV for a monitor. This box is cutting edge for corn country! It’s like a “Farming and You!” article put on the side of an Adderall bottle! (Wow, think about what kinds of cultural gaps we could bridge with this idea…)

I’m getting off the point, though. Most of us eat cereal, so we need something to look at while we eat it.

The fact is, this Winn-Dixie box does not cut it. An article about the internet, recipes for chicken dishes, and a directory of popular “emoticons” … this is sad.

For 48 seconds, my attention is captive, and this is what I get? The box could at least remind me to check my shoelaces and zipper!

It is here I would like to give a shout-out to the late “Croonchy Stars.” For those of you who are still in college (or “diapers,” as I like to call it), Croonchy Stars was the Swedish Chef’s own breakfast cereal. The cereal itself was made from a mixture of cinnamon, sugar, and Styrofoam peanuts, but that wasn’t important.

What you really went for with the Stars was the box. The Croonchy Stars box was four cardboard panels of the greatest comedy and inane activity ever put in print. Like, you had to see how many times you could find the word “rutabaga.” The nutritional information said that the cereal contained no Venetian blinds or pachyderms. And best of all, the name of the cereal is a cut on Scandinavian accents! (The only reason Scandinavians can’t do the same to us is because we’ve never tried to learn any of their languages!)

So now, it’s time for a change. Cereal boxes aren’t just for kids in Iowa. They’re also for people who don’t cook (or grow up).

And here in the pre-season, we are BORED. We know Florida’s ranked #1. We know that, for Brett Favre, “retirement” means “some days off.” We know that LSU’s season opener is an away game in the Pac-10, and that we still CAN’T WAIT FOR IT! And we know to not shoot ourselves in the leg. So why not put this knowledge to work?

Cereal Box Activity #1:
NFL Player or Realtor? Do you know which is which?

1. 1.Kellen Winslow
   

2. 2.Derald Hamilton
   

3. 3.Vince Wilfork
   

4. 4.Deaun Sutton
   

5. 5.Garrett Hartley
   

6. 6.Andre Sims
   

And then, somewhere, upside-down would be written:

1. 1.Tight end, Tampa Bay
   

2. 2.RE/MAX Westside, Houston, TX
   

3. 3.Defensive tackle, New England
   

4. 4.Carpenter Realtors, Indianapolis, IN
   

5. 5.Placekicker, New Orleans
   

6. 6.RE/MAX Greater Atlanta, Atlanta, GA
   
   

Good game, huh? Now, let’s go to the “recipes” section of the cereal box.

If I am eating a box of corn flakes, WHAT THE F–K IS MY INTEREST IN OVEN-CRUSTED HERB CHICKEN? I am never going to make that, or anything that requires more preparation than a cheese sandwich.

So here’s how we should change the recipes panel:

Cereal Box Activity #2:
Match the asinine “tweet” to its owner:

1. 1.“Ok! I jus walked n this nail salon 2 get mani/pedi &this chic jus yelled out TO!! Yes pedicure since so many suggested it after seein my toe” (August 26, 2009)
   

2. 2.“famous, normal, i don’t care about your damn status just watch the show, if you pay attention you’ll see I’m just as normal as you all” (August 26, 2009)
   

3. 3.“Getting ready to close on a new home in Eden Prairie, MN” (July 11, 2009)
   

4. 4.“My family and I are dedicated to Florida and are excited to be a Gator for another 6 years. Its great to be a Florida Gator!” (August 3, 2009)
   

5. 5.“…” (Every day)
   

Answers:

1. 1.Terrell Owens
   

2. 2.Chad Ocho Cinco
   

3. 3.Brett Favre
   

4. 4.Urban Meyer
   

5. 5.Nick Saban
   

Are you winning these games?

See, I always hear from people that they don’t read, yet they are totally up on their wall posts or their “Talk Like a Pirate Day” lingo.

The fact is people no longer want novels. They want junk! And I can provide that. Just get me through to General Mills, Cap’n Crunch, or any other breakfast-related military officers. We’ll be talking business…

NFL regular season starts September 10.

College football starts (officially) September 5.