I’ve always liked to run, but I need to compete at stuff. That’s where 5Ks can help.

In the past, I’ve forked over $20 for a race T-shirt and timer, but this year, I couldn’t. Damn bracket pool…

But why should that stop me? The last I heard, running was still free.

So I showed up at the start, ran to the finish, and got a time of 19:50. I was the second female to cross the finish line.

But wait, you’re thinking; howTF do you know that without getting a timer? You could just be full of bologna.

This is true. So check out my Zapruder-style evidence:

Photo 1: Cara Crosses the Finish Line.

Photo 2: Cara Drinks Air and Looks Funny.

Do I care a lot? Nah. This was really just a fun bonus.

After the race, I was sitting on the lawn with some friends when I heard the announcer say, “Race results will appear on the website…” and I thought, website, schmebsite. I got a magazine column! So, here we are…

There were other cool bonuses that day that were perfectly justifiable. As I walked off the race, a guy handed me a 2010 FAT BOY 5K beer koozie. Nobody made him do it...

I went to look for the cooler of plain, normal water, but it was empty. This left no other hydration besides one of the bottles of Vitamin Water. Tasty. I took one.

Last, I was standing around at the awards ceremony being quiet and supportive when a rolled up T-shirt hit me in the head. The T-shirts were being thrown as free gifts to the crowd.

The guy behind me spoke up. “I think if it hits you in the head, it’s yours.” So I snagged it.

Why am I telling you all this? Because even though free second places, free beer koozies, free Vitamin Water, and free T-shirts are cool, I hadn’t shown up to just get free stuff. That kind of behavior is so Carl Weathers in Arrested Development — not my style.

The fact that I got all that stuff is funny, though, because I’m not even a hard-core runner.

Hard-core runners are … intense! They buy gear! They eat gel out of little packets! And they can’t WAIT to tell you their latest training routine:

Me: Would you happen to have the time? I wanted to get to that new burrito restaurant.

Hard-Core Runner: YOU KNOW WHAT’S A GOOD WORKOUT? I READ ABOUT IT IN RUNNER’S WORLD!

Me: Um…

HCR: FIRST, YOU JOG A MILE. THEN, YOU SPRINT IT BACK. THEN, YOU EAT A GRAPEFRUIT…

Me: I, uh, gotta go before that place closes, yeah…

HCR: (continuing) … WHICH RELEASES THE BETA-MORPHO COMPLEXES…

Sometimes, the hard-cores are hard-core with negativity. I once went to an open house for a Baton Rouge running club. I was new to Baton Rouge and looking for people to hang out with.

To one woman, I said, “So, y’all have a good time together? Would you say this is a good group to join?”

And she said, “If you like to RUN it is.”

Wree-ow. I did NOT join. Usain Bolt doesn’t even take himself that seriously.

I’ll end here, but first, two lessons for you, learned from a past FB5K:

1. •Look for a local woman who sometimes enters the race even though she can barely move behind her massive fake melons. Somebody needs to tell her it’s not the Fake Boobs 5K.
   

2. •Flip over the ribbons they give as awards and you’ll see they say:
   www.horseshowribbons.com
   1-866-MY-HORSE
   

Maybe ribbon winners should also get baskets of carrots?

Ah, too much fun. And remember — the race is not always to the swift but to those who just think it’s funny! Happy spring running!