Prop 8 was rejected. Or it passed. Whichever one pissed off gay people.

About 2% of the people who voted against it – or for it (whichever one means they voted against gay marriage) – so voted because they would get a smaller piece of the Social Security pie or something. OK, we can all understand that. A vote for more money for oneself is the single most American thing imaginable. Such a vote is the reason our founding fathers created this country, and it's the reason we occasionally get bombed. It's the reason the rich vote red and the poor vote blue.

The other 98% voted against gay marriage because they listen to everything the church says. And it's really stupid to listen to everything the church says.

Our Catholic friends forgave John Lennon for saying that The Beatles were more popular than Jesus 43 years after he said it; it took the Vatican a mere seven months to forgive the guy who tried to kill the pope. It took them one week to condemn Lennon but over 40 years to condemn Hitler. Not to mention that they excommunicated a guy for saying that the world was round (that guy was later mentioned five times in "Bohemian Rhapsody").

Don't get me wrong; I'm no Christophobe. I'm a practicing Christian and Bible-thumper who is conservative enough to make some of my friends in New York vomit. In fact, my girlfriend and I (with whom I only do missionary because that's the way God wants it, and I do not want to get a sex talk from Him – He's only had sex one time!) had an argument the other night about whether or not the story of Sodom and Gomorrah mentions gay butt sex.

(The relevant passage is Genesis 19, when two angels come to stay at Lot's house in Sodom, and then the Sodomites knock on Lot's door that night and ask if they can bone the angels.)

The argument ended in a stalemate when it was determined that neither of us knows whether angels have penises or a–holes, both of which are required for anal.

OK, back to me slamming the church.  How can I be a Christian and then tell you to not listen to the church? Because 90% of all ministers are gay. Trust me. They are. If they don't sound like Mr. Garrison, they sound like Ned Flanders. Even some of the more intellectual ones sound like John Waters.

I'd give anything for a pastor with a voice like Johnny Cash, Robert Stack, Levon Helm, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or the guy who did voice-overs for movie trailers. (We're talking about white preachers only, by the way; black preachers all sound like Steven Tyler.)

Face it – preachers are queers. They usually pick out the color of the felt on their pews – you know, stuff that gay guys are into. They're not frat boy gay, but they're trapped in closets with stained-glass doors through which we can all see if we try.

Think about it. The straightest-sounding preacher's voice you ever heard sounded about like Al Gore. Admit it. That's as straight as it gets.

And don't think I don't know what I'm talking about. I declined acceptance and admission into Southwestern Assembly of God University because every person I'd ever met who aspired to be a preacher was disgustingly queer.

I didn't want to be around that many gay people, so I decided to major in theatre at LSU instead. Not only were just about half of these guys gay, but these guys weren't trying to preach the gay away.

(And why would I want to preach the gay away? I don't have enough "gay" to preach away, sadly. I just wouldn't measure up. I do paint my left fingernails black every September 5 to celebrate the birth of Freddie Mercury. God made me that gay – no more, no less. Why should I care if the other dipsh–ts that He created know about it?)

And look at the way preachers dress themselves. Just look at them. Jesus Christ. When you see a grown man in an off-white three-piece with a double-Windsor-knotted, purple, silk necktie that perfectly matches the handkerchief peeking out of his breast pocket, you're either looking at Nolan Richardson or a man of Gawd. Either way, you're looking at something that's really, really gay.

You know that point in every sermon where the preacher arbitrarily raises his voice for about 45 seconds and flails his arms and slams a hand down on the pulpit because this is the point where he really wants to get his message across? Well, he's fooled most of the congregation, but he hasn't fooled me. He is overcome with emotion like this during his sermons because he's had yet another vision of himself as Blanche DuBois, his dream role. 

(The Streetcar reference is a bit of a stretch; by no means do I actually think that pastors tend to dream about portraying Blanche DuBois. That is not to say, however, that I do not occasionally dream of being Marlon Brando and raping them.)

The conclusion: if you're a California voter who voted against gay marriage, you probably are unaware that:

1. •Your preacher is a homo.
   

2. •Your preacher's wife is having an affair with someone who isn't white.
   

3. •God doesn't hate homosexual sex any more than He or She or It or ∞ hates capitalism.
   

4. •Encouraging gays to get married encourages them to commit, which encourages them to be less promiscuous, which yields fewer sexually transmitted diseases, which results in fewer untimely deaths, which means you will have more time to tell your gay friends how much God loves them and doesn't want them to have dude anal. Everybody wins.
   

If you're a Christian and you get the chance, vote for gay marriage – don't be a fag.