It’s almost April, and that means one thing: Easter.

As someone who has lived in more civilized parts of the world, I feel it is my duty to inform all of you: This is no place for Easter.

Why? Because the whole point of Easter is to go hide some eggs and candy outside while your kids wander around, pissing you off by failing to spot even the most blatantly obvious eggs you’ve stashed in totally plain sight.

Oh, and something about Jesus, too.

Thing is, out of my, like, 12 Easters down here – I’ve actually been here for more than that, but I didn’t have kids for a few of ’em, so I don’t count them, as childless adults don’t normally do much Easterwise … well, other than the Jesus stuff, obviously – out of those 12 Easters, about 10 of them have been so hot that I figured the eggs were dangerously inedible after twenty minutes out there. And you can’t even stick your basket of chocolate outside at all, unless you want to celebrate Jesus’ resurrection with a giant puddle of sweet, basketed mud.

I would like to point out, as an aside, that one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen or heard of was some family of eccentrics that hid bottles of beer outside every Easter. I think I saw that on one of MTV’s many fine programs exploring the depths of familial depravity. Still, it sounds like fun, though I’m more a Scotch guy, myself.

I’d also like to officially petition that the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy be nominated as acceptable to refute in print. We all know that you don’t stay stupid things like “There is no such thing as Santa Claus” in print, mostly because it’s a lie. But the Easter Bunny? Seriously? That bastard never has made a bit of sense.

Finally, my favorite part of Easter: When my wife was about 7, and she went out to hunt for eggs, she found an extra-special surprise. Her dog had killed a rabbit and left it there in the yard. Every time Easter rolls around, I spend a few minutes giggling over that one.

Happy bunny day, people. May you find many beers in your yard. Oh, and remember: Christ is dead, Christ is risen, Christ is full of yeast.