Water and sleep are the only things that don’t give me gas.

On family vacations, my parents would drive for hours with the windows down to avoid getting hotboxed in our minivan.

It’s funny at times, but it can also be pretty annoying. There’s a big difference between having a temporary zit on your forehead and an ivory horn that will last forever.

When I order anything made with dairy products, vegetables, or food of any sort, my girlfriend looks at me and says, “Okay…”

I do pretty well during the week, and then Friday comes. Beer? Yes. Cheesy spinach dip? Yes. Diarrhea? Forgone conclusion. My digestive enzymes work through the night like a bunch of tiny women in a sweatshop.

Yoga is completely out of the question. I took a yoga class at the gym a few years ago, and I will never go back. There was only one other guy in the class, and he looked like he was eight months pregnant with a funnel-cake baby.

I thought for sure that I was a shoe-in to meet some cute girls with little competition. By the time that class was over, “Funnel-cake Baby” looked like Brad Pitt compared to me.

I bought a yoga DVD to try at home, and my butt cheeks flapped for 30 straight minutes. My roommate laughed at me from the other room, and the gay Chinese guy on the DVD called me a freak.

I have tried Gas-X, Beano, Lactaid, and many other products, but they only change the sound and the smell. I once tried all three together, and my ass pitched an octave so high that only werewolves could hear it.

Repeated medicinal failures have brought me to the only remaining logical conclusion: One of my ancestors stole magic beans from a warlock, and my bloodline was cursed for all eternity.

If there is anyone out there who can communicate with the demon in my lower intestines, please put an ad in the paper, create a Facebook page, or something. It’s so angry!!!

I guess we have to learn to laugh at ourselves to keep from crying. Fortunately for me, farts are still hilarious and always will be.

A while back, I was in a public bathroom, and a really old man walked up to the urinal next to me. He started his pee with a loud fart and yelled, “Look out!”

I laughed and peed so hard that I almost blasted the urinal off of the wall. Take that, evil he-witch!