“This town needs an enema!” I remember hearing Jack Nicholson scream this line as the “Joker” in Batman. He was pissed because Gotham didn’t understand what he was trying to get across: Pull that stick out of your ass, or I’ll blast it out with a rocket launcher!

Minus the violence, this is how I feel about Washington and its inability to connect with the American people. I try to stay up to speed with politics and the opinions from both sides, but I am fed up!

The more I listen, the less I care, but somehow, it still makes me angry. I just don’t trust either party to do the right thing for the entire country, unless it fits into their agenda.

They can’t solve any problems, and we keep giving them more power. Every time something goes wrong, they create a new inept agency with our tax dollars instead of improving the sh—tty ones that we already have. They do a poor job of determining root causes and dealing with them before they explode.

So, what’s wrong with America? I have taken it upon myself to conduct the necessary research.

Poverty, racial tension, unemployment, and crime seem to be at their tipping points, and I blame three main substances: Hypnotiq, mescal, and Keystone beer.

Hypnotiq (pronounced the same as the word “hypnotic” but given a different spelling to add hip-hop flava) is an obnoxiously blue blend of premium vodka, natural fruit juices, and Cognac.

For you crackers like me out there who think this sounds delicious, think again. This stuff kills white people. Health nuts should not be enticed by the fruit juices.

My research tells me that the mythical “extra calf muscle” that white people use as an excuse for why black people jump higher and run faster is actually a real thing. It gives black people just enough extra strength to survive a shot of this crap.

I was unable to determine why Mexicans don’t drink it, but I assume it’s because they are unable to see the color blue.

Mescal, tequila, and pulque are three popular Mexican drinks that all come from the agave plant, also known as the maguey plant.

Maguey is not to be confused with Magwai, the “Gizmo” critter from the Gremlins movies. However, if you were to drink all three products derived from maguey and eat after midnight, bubbles full of tiny Mexicans might form on your back and send you on a mad dash for Arizona.

Some of the symptoms of addiction include mustaches, construction, whistling at white women, and a powerful lust for accordion music.

Rumors suggest that Keystone beer is a combination of sewage from Denver, Rohypnol, and pheromones from a rhinoceros, but its word-of-mouth popularity scares me much more than the ingredients.

When I was a freshman in college, this stuff was all the rage because it was so cheap. The phrase “30 stones for $13” spread like wildfire through campuses across America. What they were really saying was, “Academic probation costs the same as a home pregnancy test! Let’s get hammered and race houses. Yeah, Dale Junior!”

I guess the point that I am making here is that we must be a better America if we hope to elect better leaders. Stereotypes continue to exist because we continue to live up to them.

Everyone needs to stop taking themselves so damn seriously and realize that that the world doesn’t revolve around them or their agendas. Turn off your angry televisions and work on making your city, street, and home a better place. That’s when things will get better.

This country is a business, and business is bad. Politicians suck because we suck. They compromise their own beliefs to cater to every bloodsucking special interest that chains itself to the White House fence.

We need a new breed of brutally honest politicians. If you’re a gay Republican, be the gayest and most Republicanest gay in the republic. People will respect your honesty. Just be yourself, regardless of your race, gender, or title.

Take the hooker magnets out of your pockets and be faithful to your spouses. Come out and admit your mistakes. America will forgive you.

Stop pointing fingers and lead. It’s time for us to think outside of the box and use the renewable resources at our disposal, like weed and Mexicans! We could pay the Mexicans to smuggle weed and alcohol into the Middle East. Maybe that would chill them the hell out, but I can only make suggestions.

Anyway, the system is broken. We need to put our different-colored heads together if we are going to fix it.

P.S. — I didn’t mention Asians in this article because you cannot drink math or computers.