So, this might be the year I go to the beach. Voluntarily. On purpose.

Not so much because I want to (I don’t) as because I have children. And taking them to the beach is one of those “things” you do. As a father. So I might.

Why this year? A giant, goopy soup of oil and dispersant, that’s why.

Even before oil hit the beach, folks were canceling their vacation plans. And if there’s one thing I love, it’s a vacation without people.

Best travel memory up to now? Disneyworld right after September 11. Place was empty. You just walked up and rode Dumbo in the middle of the afternoon. It was great, like having your own, private theme park.

Sadly, Disneyworld is far inland and unlikely to see much oil, so I won’t be heading there. But, say, Destin is another story. Tar balls and dinosaur mousse mean folks are gonna stay away, and that attracts me like a nonpolar solvent to a hygroscopic droplet of crude. Well, maybe not precisely like a nonpolar solvent to a hygroscopic droplet of crude, but close enough, right?

Thing is, I don’t see what the big deal is. People are acting as if the beaches were, y’know, pristine aside from this damn oil.

I’ve been to the beach. I know this to be a lie. Beaches are nasty, slimy, kelp-choked cesspools of rotting marine debris. There’s nothing pristine about the water’s edge, and by the time you wade out past the clingy scum, you’re in water that’s really too deep for convenient play anyhow. Me, I’d take a wading pool over the Gulf any day.

But, at the same time, there’s something to be said for exposing yourself and your children to Mother Nature in all her untidy, smelly glory. So the Responsible Dad part of me is a firm, stern believer in dragging the kidlets off to the sun and sand at least every couple of years. Used to be, a friend of ours much more into the beach kind of drug us all there, but she sort of vanished, so we’ve been sans beach for some time now.

And provided that well keeps spewing, this July, coming to an empty, abandoned beach near you … is me. Why not, right? It’s only toxic goop. Plus, I’m kind of curious whether you can light oil turds on fire. Here’s to the adventure of discovery! Or something.