It’s officially election year … finally. And just like four years ago, there are several presidential candidates still in the running, and the choices can be somewhat confusing. Therefore, once again, we’ve simplified the process by “distilling” each candidate down to an alcoholic beverage in order to help voters decide the next leader of the free world. So, for your consideration, Red Shtick Magazine presents the 2012 edition of Presidential Potables.
Frothy Snowman: a combination of Kahlua coffee liqueur, vodka, milk, and chocolate mixed in a blender until frothy and served over ice. If you don’t know why a frothy chocolate drink is the perfect representation of Santorum, just Google “Santorum” — but not at work.
Mind Eraser: an easy drink to fix with only 3 ingredients: vodka, Kahlua coffee liqueur, and … what’s the third one there? Let’s see. The third ingredient, the … let’s see. We can’t … the third one, we can’t … . Sorry. Oops.
Gold Standard: a mixture of Jose Cuervo 1800 tequila, Licor 43 liqueur, Orange Curaçao liqueur, sweet and sour mix, and orange juice, appropriately served in an old-fashioned glass. Drinking it may not abolish the Federal Reserve, but it’ll make you forget it exists.
Crazy Elephant: a concoction of Leblon Cachaça, sugar, a lime, and ice mixed in a blender. Grab a straw and enjoy. Then reach for more and more straws until there are no more straws to grasp at. Just don’t be surprised if you get a migraine, but at least it’ll distract you from your closet case of a husband.
Man o’War: a powerful blend of Wild Turkey 101 bourbon, Orange Curaçao liqueur, sweet vermouth, and orange juice. It’s so intoxicating, it’ll make you want to attack Iran.
Tighty Whitey: a potable made with gin, eggnog, Kahlua coffee liqueur, and milk. It’s a perfect drink for starchy white folk who don’t do anything without donning their magic underwear.
Mormon Surprise: a deceptively smooth and understated cocktail of vodka, white grape juice, and ginger ale. It has the potential to knock folks on their asses if they underestimate its potency.
Kamikaze: a blend of vodka, triple sec, and lime juice that’s so powerful, it’ll make you run for president as a Libertarian even though you know it’s political suicide.
Invisible Man: a
mixture of white whiskey, white creme de cacao, and plum bitters shaken with ice then strained into a coupe glass. Not only is this drink out of sight, it’ll make you out of sight, too, especially when it comes to the major news networks and GOP debates. A couple of these and they won’t even know you exist.
Hopeless Case: a simple combination of sloe gin, peppermint schnapps, and cola. Be sure to use sloe gin, since that’s the speed at which the president has gotten his agenda through Congress.
