So, I’ve started to entertain a possibility: Maybe people with motivational issues shouldn’t try to be novelists.

I say this as someone who’d rather be doing something else. Preferably, nothing at all. Thing is, doing nothing doesn’t fill up the page, unless you spill something on it.

Now, being slightly neurotic and having a vague, discontenting “itch” to write can ameliorate some of the amotivational symptoms. So can setting ground rules like “No huffing ether all day and watching Naked Lunch until you produce a thousand words.”

But rules like that are easily broken. “Brain hurts, can’t write. Ether will fix everything!” is an easy argument to make, after all.

Other jobs, however, would seem a more natural fit. Civil servant is a good example — a gig I once held. My motto then was “We do more by Friday than most people do all morning!”

For you youngsters out there, this was clever, because at the time, the Army liked to brag that it did more by 7 a.m. than most people did all day. Or maybe it was 6. I can’t remember. I was busy doing very little at the time.

Not all civil servants do very little, but a lot of them do, or did back then, anyhow. I would’ve been great at, say, delaying paperwork. If you’re a rabid anti-tax activist, just stick me in the IRS. I could be personally responsible for greatly slowing literally, I dunno, tens of, say, audits, or some other form.

I’m keeping things vague, because if I learned one dang thing in the service, it’s this: Do not commit. Ever. Commitment is death.

Oh, and take long lunch breaks.

Still, there’s the writing thing. And I don’t mean short form, like Red Shtick. Yeah, I put this off, but I end up writing one eventually just about every month. And since I deliberately keep a bit of a backlog turned in, it all evens out in the end. I’m talking long form. That’s where ducking your responsibilities really takes off.

Thought about trying procrastination, but not sure if you’re cut out for it? Well, start a novel. Within a few weeks, you’ll master avoidance in a way you never knew possible.

When it comes to a novel, there’s no situation where you can’t put off til next month what you should’ve done last week. What, just because you’ve hit the 50,000-word mark, you think it’s smooth sailing? Not so fast. Any point in the process is a great spot to take an extended break. Trust me.

Hung over? Take one morning off? Realize a month later you haven’t written anything in that entire span? It’s easier than falling asleep on the couch at 10 in the morning to something you TiVoed two weeks ago but never watched because it wasn’t really worth recording or watching in the first place.

You can even put off projects you’re really excited about. I am. Right now, in fact. This Red Shtick article? Yep. This is procrastination.

Here’s how the internal monologue went: “Don’t wanna write. Writing sucks. So … I, uh, really should, though. Wait — it’s halfway through the month; why not crank out a Red Shtick? That’s writing, kinda! Right? Yeah, buddy!”

Bingo, here we are.

Originally, I thought I’d say something about how January sucks or something. But no. Instead, I’m turning in an article I’ve written about not writing. It almost seems clever, if not for the obvious self-indulgent stupidity of complaining about a gig as good as I’ve got.

Remember, kids. It doesn’t matter how sweet the situation. With proper effort and attention to detail, you can still find a way to screw it all up. Just Google “lottery winners.” You’ll see what I mean.