It’s November, and you know what that means. Once again, it’s that time of year when I use giving thanks as a lame excuse to piece together a bunch of disparate items (aka “bits”) in this forum instead of composing a comprehensive, solid editorial about a particular subject. In other words, it’s my favorite month of the year.

First and foremost, I’m thankful that the presidential election is over. I know I’m not the only one who’s sick of hearing about Joe the Plumber. In fact, if I ever need the services of a plumber and one shows up with a nametag that reads “Joe,” there’s no telling where I might shove his wrench. He’ll likely need to snake it out of his colon.

Of course, I’m writing this a few days before the election, but I have a pretty good idea who will win it. Just take a look at the cover. (How about that for putting your money where your mouth is?)

Sure, other pundits made predictions about an Obama victory, but if they were wrong, what would happen to them? I doubt CNN would fire John King for showing on the electoral map how John McCain didn’t have a prayer. Besides, who would they get to work that sophisticated magic board, Larry King? He thinks Bluetooth® is a reason to see a dentist.

We at Red Shtick Magazine (and by “we,” I mean “me”) decided that it was worth the gamble to compose the current cover. Plus, all our other ideas blew chunks.

You know, I can’t help but wonder what will become of the campaign promises by Congressional candidates John Kennedy and Bill Cassidy – that they will work with John McCain. Do they plan on moving to Arizona now?

I’m thankful that political types are already talking about Governor Bobby Jindal running for the 2012 GOP presidential nomination. Wouldn’t that be awesome: Obama vs. Jindal? Screw the ducks and the deer; rednecks will be shooting themselves.

Seriously, can you imagine Bobby Jindal going up against Barack Obama for the White House? (By the way, would it still be called that?) Voting for president would be like buying orthopedic shoes: brown or light brown?

I’m thankful that Sarah Palin has been invited to join the Pussycat Dolls. Nicole Scherzinger said she’s convinced the former beauty queen has what it takes to join the group.

The singer said of the Alaska governor, “She seems like a headstrong woman, a tough chick. And she’s hot.” Notice, she didn’t say anything about vocal abilities. Who needs singing talent when you have tight abs, a great ass, and an awesome producer?

I think Palin would be a great addition to the seemingly ever-growing group. You can never have too many Pussycat Dolls, and given her foreign policy experience, she’d fit right in.

I’m thankful that the Louisiana Legislature passed and Governor Jindal signed into law this year the current prohibition of publicly displaying nooses for intimidation purposes. Had they passed it a couple of years ago, I might have been arrested for my 2007 Spanish Town Mardi Gras Ball costume.

I went as the recently executed Saddam Hussein, complete with a devilish chaperone at my side, a sign on my back that read “The Well Hung DICKtator,” and, of course, a noose around my neck. Had this law been in effect, I could have been arrested, and I didn’t even expose my breasts!

I was publicly portraying a notorious murderer, who was quite an intimidating figure, with a noose around my neck. Some zealous attorney could have argued that constitutes the public display of a noose with the intent to intimidate. God, I love lawyers.

Speaking of the judicial system, I’m thankful that a state appellate court recently ruled that marriages between first cousins must be recognized if performed in a state or nation where they are valid, like Mexico, Canada, and half of the states in the union. Think of how hypocritical it would be of a state where Edwin Edwards served four terms as governor to refuse to recognize the primary reason he was elected: copulating cousins producing members of the electorate.

Of course, gay marriages are completely off the radar of ever being recognized around here. Every politician and judge knows gay and lesbian couples are incapable of inbreeding, which guarantees they’ll never spawn easily duped voters.