It’s amazing how many so-called “business leaders” seemingly fail to grasp the concept of economic cycles. During peaks, they act as though valleys are impossible. When the good times are rolling, they behave like they’ll just keep on rolling along like the mighty Mississippi, only to be shocked when the inevitable downturn comes.

I barely took a handful of economics class hours at LSU, yet even I grasp the concept of a cyclical economy. You’d think executives at multi-billion-dollar companies – supposedly the brightest business minds in America – would at least have a cursory understanding of the same.

That’s why I have no sympathy for General Motors, Ford, or Chrysler. Instead of preparing their companies for the future, making them nimble and responsive to market changes, overpaid CEOs at America’s automakers have fought tooth and nail to maintain the status quo.

Even before there was talk of a bailout, the wunderkinds running GM had announced they would try to make ends meet by cutting research and development, as in the place where the cars of tomorrow are born. Like an old Marine friend used to say, that’s real smucking fart.

The Big 3 had decades to develop more fuel-efficient vehicles with reliability that could rival that of imports. Instead, they’ve focused on turning out high-profit products, like SUVs, and pocketed revenues while foreign rivals invested in experimental vehicles.

Every time Congress tried to impose stricter fuel standards, lobbyists from Detroit would descend on Capitol Hill (in private, corporate jets, of course) to shoot them down. Whenever they were asked why they don’t develop more gas-sippers, they’d respond that they were just making what Americans wanted.

Hey, Mr. Harvard MBA, how’s that business philosophy working now? Are people still buying what you’re selling? That’s what I thought.

Now that the economy has gone down the crapper, they want a bailout from Congress like those bastards on Wall Street. It kind of reminds me of an old lady who feeds a stray cat one day, and within a week, every stray cat in the parish is on her patio looking for its share of Friskies®.

I say: screw Detroit! They’ve been paying high school dropouts $43 per hour to put door handles on Buicks. They deserve to go broke. Besides, Detroit’s good at producing two things: sh–tty cars and sh–tty football teams.

Bankruptcy seems to be the only way for GM, Ford, and Chrysler to break those burdensome union contracts and become lean like other prosperous companies. A bailout, on the other hand, will not only simply postpone an inevitable collapse, but will also reward abhorrent leadership.

Allowing the Big 3 as we know them to die will enable them to be reincarnated into automakers befitting the 21st century. Even the phoenix couldn’t have risen from the ashes without the all-consuming fire, just like Patrick Swayze couldn’t have gone to heaven had he stayed in Whoopi Goldberg’s body, kissing Demi Moore in Ghost.

Speaking of befitting, I know it would be poetic if Santa were shoveling coal rather than reindeer excrement into the automakers’ stockings on our cover this month. After all, they’ve been so enamored with perpetuating our dependence on fossil fuels.

However, I just can’t see him doling out coal nowadays. Think about it: If anyone is concerned about greenhouse gas emissions and melting ice caps, it’s St. Nick.

Dissed with Extreme Prejudice

While I’m on the subject of change, America has elected Barack Obama as its first black president, and boy, are the racists, bigots, and generic idiots showing their true colors. Whether it’s an astronomical increase in post-election gun sales or countless emails featuring fried chicken and watermelon, Americans are finding out who’s ready for a black president and who thinks David Duke is tragically misunderstood.

Personally, I’m glad that so many people feel comfortable forwarding to everyone they know (including black people) messages that even Fuzzy Zoeller would trash. While some are disturbed by the apparent rise in racist behavior, I welcome it. It’s kind of like turning on the lights at three in the morning and discovering your kitchen floor is crawling with cockroaches. Sure, it’s upsetting learning that your house is full of the little bastards, but at least you know they’re there.

I think it’s amazing that Obama was elected in the first place. Think about it: While some in the black community said he wasn’t black enough, a good number of white people didn’t vote for him merely because they thought he was plenty black. It’s like he was in a gray, no-vote-getting area.

Plus, in a recent video, al-Qaeda’s Ayman al-Zawahiri criticized Obama for betraying Islam, the faith of his Kenyan father. Apparently, al-Qaeda’s second-in-command never got the email “proving” that Obama is a dyed-in-the-wool Muslim, nor had he seen the sign in front of the Spirit One Christian Center in Wichita, Kansas, which read, “America We Have A Muslim President. This Is Sin Against The Lord.” A Christian pastor wouldn’t make up something like that, would he?

Circle K(lan)?

Finally, while I’m on the subject of racists, I can’t pass up the chance to touch on that whole KKK thing near Bogalusa. In case you didn’t hear, a group called the Sons of Dixie allegedly recruited (via the internet) a woman from Oklahoma to join their chapter of the Klan, only to kill her when she wanted to leave after the first night of initiation in the woods. Pardon me while I shed a tear.

After shooting her, cutting the bullet out of her body, burning her belongings, and dumping her body in a remote location, two members of the group moseyed on over to a nearby Circle K and asked the clerk how to get blood out of their clothing. The clerk recognized them and called police.

Man, I did not see that one coming. I can’t believe the clerk wasn’t sympathetic to the cause. I mean, most Circle K employees I’ve seen look like prototypical members of the Aryan race.