It’s January, which means tons of people have made New Year’s resolutions. A good number of those resolutions include losing weight and getting fit, which usually involves joining a gym. While I wouldn’t consider myself a “gym rat,” I usually try to hit the weights and do cardio three times a week at the YMCA.

If you’ve recently joined a gym or are planning on joining a gym, people like me tend to dread this time of year because of people like you. It’s not because we’re jealous or want you to remain a fat slob; it’s just too many of your ilk have no sense of gym etiquette. Plus, y’all tie up all the machines and stations I want to use.

I don’t like that. I’m an only child. I never had to learn to share my toys. Besides, I was there first. I’ve been a regular there for a few years. You, however, just joined last week. I should have dibs because of seniority or something.

Thankfully, by the time Mardi Gras rolls around, most of you gung-ho newbies will have backslid and become reacquainted with your old buddies, inactivity and triglycerides. A few of you, though, will actually stick with it and make a true lifestyle change. To those of you who fall into this category, I preemptively congratulate you.

Admittedly, it’s tough going to the gym on a regular basis. That’s why the throngs of new people there usually last about a month.

Contrary to popular belief, though, people don’t quit going to the gym because of a lack of motivation or discipline. I think most people stop going because of the people who do go who make you not want to go anymore.

That’s right, it’s those obtuse, regular gymgoers who have no self-awareness, decorum, or plain ol’ common sense that turn people off from going back to the gym. Instead, these poor souls would rather just pay the $40/month they’re contractually obligated to pay and not go to the fitness center than actually take advantage of the membership that sounded so awesome just a week before.

Sadly, I’ve never seen any rules prohibiting, or even discouraging, these annoying actions that tend to make millions of people want to remain unhealthy, sedentary Americans. Maybe that’s why they’re called unwritten rules.

Well, I’m using this forum to write them down for all to see. The gym owners and managers don’t seem to have the guts to post them, so I will. If you happen to recognize yourself in the following diatribe, please do us all a favor and stop doing that crap.

First of all, if you’re morbidly obese and just joined the gym, good for you, but please do the rest of us a favor and obey the little sign on the treadmill that reads “350-pound weight limit.” I’m not trying to be mean. In fact, I want everyone who’s in such a condition to reach a healthy weight, if for no other reason than I’ll never have to see another promo for The Biggest Loser.

It’s just that the sign is there for a reason. The manufacturer’s label says “Cybex,” not “Caterpillar.”

If you’re that heavy, just go for a walk. A number of gyms have an outdoor track. I’m sure Mother Earth can take the pounding better than a $5,000 treadmill.

Oh, it’s raining outside? Even better. That’ll help cool down your thighs after they’ve been rubbing against each other for 20 minutes.

Next, I’d like to address the issue of attire. Here’s a general rule to follow: If you can’t remember the last time you worked out, it’s time to buy some new exercise gear.

Please don’t afflict the rest of us by pumping iron after miraculously squeezing into those spandex shorts you’ve held onto since your sophomore year of college when you went through your cycling phase. This goes for both men and women, because camel toe knows no gender boundaries.

By contrast, this next gym fashion faux pas is, by definition, strictly a guy thing. Fellas, unless you’re already a serious runner (i.e., you run 10K’s in your sleep), get rid of the nutters. In other words, make sure your shorts reach at least halfway to your knees.

I’ve seen too many dudes (all over the age of 40) in less than ideal shape at the gym who looked like they were channeling Semi Pro’s Jackie Moon. I’m talking about nutters so obscene they’d make John Stockton blush.

Additionally, whenever there are attractive young females in the vicinity, these same pudgy, nutter-clad, middle-aged men invariably seem to have a penchant for doing exercises that involve spreading their legs and bending over. Nothing says “creep” like a 45-year-old man donning nutters, a gut, a mullet, and a Dale Earnhardt moustache doing squat thrusts and toe touches in front of pretty girls half his age.

Now comes the part where I really earn my hate mail. That’s because the rest of my rant focuses on irritating things typically done by those fellow gym members whose heads have copious gray hairs, if any at all.

I’ll begin this final portion of my tirade by going off on a respiratory-inhibiting act committed almost exclusively by elderly ladies. If you’re going to take part in cardiovascular activities, it helps if you can breathe. Alas, some older ladies make that nearly impossible by insisting on wearing enough perfume to choke a horse.

I’m not sure why they have to baste themselves in the stuff. Maybe they were inadvertently embalmed, and now they’re trying to cover up the smell of formaldehyde. That could explain why they’re at the gym in the first place. As long as they keep moving, hopefully it won’t happen again.

At least on the bright side, I only see those odiferous biddies with their clothes on. If only I could say the same about their male counterparts. As agonizing as the inability to inhale deeply while exercising may be, it pales in comparison to the excruciating pain incurred when images of naked old men in the locker room are seared into one’s memory.

For some reason, it seems that the older guys get, the more they like to loiter in the locker room with nary a stitch of clothes on their ever-wrinkling bodies. Perhaps it’s because no one in the last four decades has wanted to look at them in the nude (at least not without reimbursement from Medicare), and they’ve got a captive audience in the gym locker room.

Naturally, I know there will be nudity in there. Nonetheless, most people, like myself, at least try to minimize exposing their nether regions in front of total strangers.

But not these exhibitionistic old farts. I’m taking about gratuitous locker room nudity. I’ve seen old men doing things in there completely naked that could easily be done while wearing at least a pair of underwear. These include shaving, watching FOX News, and complaining about the Hoover administration.