The period after the Super Bowl in early February and before the NCAA basketball tournament in mid-March is typically a pretty dull stretch for sports fans like me. Most years, it’s almost as exciting as gavel-to-gavel coverage of a Republican filibuster on C-SPAN.

This past month, though, was quite a departure from the norm. Besides the Olympic Games in Vancouver, there was Tiger Woods’ “apology” that had people buzzing.

As for my take on it, his statement sounded a bit canned. Plus, his delivery didn’t help, either. It reminded me of Tommy Chong reading his essay about what he did on his summer vacation in the famous “Sister Mary Elephant” skit.

I kept waiting to hear Tiger say, “The first day of my sex rehab, I woke up. Then, I went downstairs … to look for a hand job. Then, I hung out on the golf course. The second day of my sex rehab, I woke up. Then, I went downstairs … to look for a hand job. Then, I hung out on the golf course.” I also envisioned a nun eventually screaming at him to “SHUDD UP!” (I swear, I never did weed while growing up.)

Even more entertaining than Tiger’s mea culpa was the news conference later held by prominent attorney Gloria Allred and her client Veronica Siwik-Daniels, also known by her porn name Joslyn James. They were bemoaning the fact that Woods did not directly apologize to Siwik-Daniels (who had a three-year affair with Woods) for all the unwanted attention the scandal has brought her, because, as everyone knows, porn actresses are very private and easily embarrassed regarding sexual matters.

A tearful Siwik-Daniels said, “I would be open to a telephone apology from Tiger, but I really feel that I deserve to look at him in person – face to face, at his eyes – because I didn’t deserve this.”

She wants Tiger to apologize to her face to face? I’ve seen some of her movies. She’s used to men doing things in her face, but offering apologies isn’t one of them. If anyone should apologize to her, it’s her male costars for giving her more facials than a salon.

Siwik-Daniels went on to say, “I’ve had to deal with a lot and too much from him and because of him.”

Wait a minute; Tiger gave her too much to deal with? She’s done scenes with Lexington Steele, and she dealt with everything that he gave her rather well. If she has trouble dealing with what Tiger gave her, maybe he should give up golf altogether and start doing porn. The way she makes it sound, he’s already got the right equipment, although I can’t help but wonder if there’s a Nike swoosh on it.

My favorite line from the press conference, however, came from Allred when she said, “Veronica had a three-year romantic relationship with Tiger Woods … He led her to believe that she was the only woman in his life – other than his wife.”

I just love when mistresses expect their lovers to always be honest with them, when their whole relationship is built on deception and betrayal. Then again, porn stars are pretty gullible. Otherwise, how would they have gotten roped into the adult film business in the first place?

As for Tiger and his stint in sex rehab, I certainly hope the staff at the clinic didn’t let him, or the rest of its patients, watch any coverage of the women’s curling during the Olympics last month. If they did, they better have had the volume muted, because the soundtrack provided by those female athletes sounded a lot like a Joslyn James video. If you watched (and listened to) any of it, you know what I mean.

Curling is the sport where participants slide granite stones across a sheet of ice while sweepers smooth out their paths with brooms. Teammates cue the sweeping by stridently screaming directions, which usually include lines such as “Hard! Hard! HAARRD!!!” and “Yep! Yep! YEEAAHHH!!! GIVE IT EVERYTHING YOU GOT! HAARRD!!!” That alone is enough to make a sex fiend like Tiger start humping the hired help like an excitable, unfixed puppy.

And just when you thought the Olympics couldn’t get any sexier, along come people like Ania Przeplasko, founder of the International Pole Dancing Fitness Association. She and her ilk think that pole dancing should be included in the Olympics.

“There will be a day when the Olympics see pole dancing as a sport,” Przeplasko said. “The Olympic community needs to acknowledge the number of people doing pole fitness now. We’re shooting for 2012.”

Actually, she and the thousands of other aspiring pole dancers are a bit late to participate at the London Games, but only by several years. Oh well, who said women who spend lots of time on the pole are known for their knowledge of sports, or most anything else?

I know most guys would love to watch women from all over the globe pole dance without having to worry about the wife or girlfriend getting mad because “It’s the Olympics, Honey.” However, I foresee some major problems with the International Olympic Committee giving it such recognition.

The first issue is with the medal ceremony. How do they plan on stuffing a gold medal into a G-string?

Secondly, and more importantly, is that I see it quickly evolving into a sport like gymnastics, in that toddlers will begin their pole dancing training as soon as they can walk. Before you know it, you’ll have six-year-olds twirling upside down on a pole at junior competitions while their parents cheer them on. Isn’t Toddlers and Tiaras disturbing enough?

Eventually, we’d see countries like China develop a dominating Olympic pole dancing program. Is that what we really want to see? A bunch of shapeless, prepubescent, 60-pound Asian tweens on a world stage doing something that many consider sexually arousing? If you answered yes, I’ll be looking for you on the next episode of Dateline.

Another sports item that’s been getting some play lately is the move to find a replacement for Colonel Reb, the now-defunct Ole Miss mascot. The university dumped the caricature of a white plantation owner in 2003 and has been without a mascot ever since. Maybe that’s why they haven’t won’t the SEC West lately.

In an online referendum last month, Ole Miss students overwhelmingly supported “a student-led effort to develop and propose a new ‘on-field’ mascot to represent the Ole Miss Rebels.”

One student who led the charge to find a new mascot was Koriann Porter, a black sophomore who collected more than 1,700 signatures of students who support the move.

According to the Associated Press, Porter said, “When it comes to racial reconciliation, we embody the utopian society.” So The University of Mississippi now exemplifies a perfect, post-racial paradise? I guess that means the frat boys at the Ole Miss Kappa Alpha house no longer have a problem with interracial marriage. How wonderful!

Too bad black people didn’t figure this out decades ago. If only Martin Luther King Jr. and all those who fought for civil rights had known what Porter knows. They could have saved themselves all the trouble of sit-ins, marches, getting bit by police dogs and sprayed by water cannons – and still achieved their goal of equal rights – by simply getting rid of sports mascots that embodied Old South traditions.

Of all the possible new mascots, the one that’s getting the most attention is Admiral Ackbar, Commander of the Rebel Alliance Fleet in the Battle of Endor in Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi. With thousands of Facebook fans and websites dedicated to him becoming the new face of Ole Miss, the groundswell of support for Admiral Ackbar is remarkable. I just pray George Lucas gives his blessing.

For some reason, I always thought Ackbar was a general instead of an admiral. As a former Navy guy (aka “squid”), though, it makes total sense he’d have a naval rank. After all, Ackbar is a member of the Mon Calamari species.

If he does become Ole Miss’ new mascot, I guess it’s a good thing Ed Orgeron isn’t coaching there anymore. The Lafourche Parish native looks like he’d probably try to eat a 6-foot squid.

Sadly, there has been some backlash from forces that don’t want to see their team represented by the Star Wars character. If Ackbar gets the nod, angry students have threatened to transfer, while xenophobic parents (Ackbar is an alien) of current and prospective students have vowed to “never send their kids to Ole Miss.”

Personally, I don’t see what’s wrong with Admiral Ackbar getting the gig. What sports team nicknamed “The Rebels” wouldn’t want a mascot that personifies a leader of a successful, albeit fictional, rebellion? Last time I checked, Colonel Reb did not win his war.

If Ole Miss goes with Admiral Ackbar, I guess all those upset students could go over to the Dark Side and attend Death Star University (aka The University of Alabama). There, they could pledge allegiance to Lord Saban.