Hero Highlight

J&D Foods

Fri, 6 Jan 2012 15:52:37 -0600

After much cajoling by the public, the folks at J&D Foods in Seattle have launched the world’s first bacon-flavored personal lubricant and massage oil. Thanks to the people who also make Bacon Salt and Baconnaise, bacon lovers (literally) can now order Baconlube, which has many more uses than even its creators seemingly realize.
The company’s website says, “Baconlube started as an elaborate April Fool’s prank and was never intended to be a real product. But when the joke ended, the emails kept coming. People harassed us via email, in public, and in highly inappropriate ways.”
What J&D’s people don’t seem to recognize is that they’ve created a product with a plethora of uses. Baconlube is almost as versatile as baking soda. They just don’t know it yet.
That’s why we’ve decided to use this forum to illustrate to them just how uniquely awesome their latest product really is with a few uniquely awesome potential selling points:
• Are you struggling with figuring out how to tell your vegan lover that you want to either see other people or have an open relationship? Try Baconlube! It says, “I still like having sex with you. I just feel like porking other people, too.”
• Ever wondered what Kermit the Frog experiences when he hooks up with Miss Piggy? With Baconlube, you can find out firsthand just how uneasy it is being green.
• Hey, ladies, want to serve your lover breakfast in bed without ever walking into the kitchen? Just use Baconlube when you’re ovulating and voilà! Bacon and eggs in bed!
• Are you worried that the Middle Eastern guy you’re about to shag may be a jihadist looking for one last fling with an infidel whore before receiving his 72 virgins from Allah? Keep America safe and use Baconlube! He’ll have to go through an elaborate purification ritual before martyring himself in a suicidal attack.
• Baconlube: the perfect gift for that freaky, rabid Arkansas Razorback friend.
We can only hope that executives at J&D see Baconlube’s full potential and change their mind about it only being available for a limited time. With just a little effort from their marketing department, we believe the country would go hog wild over it.

Starbucks

Fri, 2 Dec 2011 09:59:42 -0600

Just weeks after we detailed last month’s Hero’s masturbatory mission to rub one out in every New York Starbucks bathroom, media outlets reported many locations were restricting restroom use to “employees only.” However, upper management quickly interceded on the behalf of the public, their bladders, and, of course, Mr. PeePee’s goal-oriented libido.
It seems the misguided motivation by local managers and baristas to bar customers from using the restrooms was twofold. Employees were reportedly tired of waiting in line to use the bathroom, only to then have to clean up after all those people they had to wait behind. On November 16, The New York Post quoted a “company source” as saying, “Starbucks cannot be the public bathroom in the city anymore.”
It’s almost as though they wished to turn the Big Apple, with its otherwise extremely limited access to public toilets, into the French Quarter with an imposing skyline.
New York law requires any food establishment with more than 19 seats to have a public restroom. The typical Starbucks in Midtown Manhattan has fewer than 20 seats.
Complaints immediately starting flowing like a venti-Frappuccino-induced urine stream. The website Gawker described New Yorkers as “shaken and alarmed” at the prospect of Starbucks closing some of its restrooms. We estimate the fear factor engendered by the arbitrary policy among the city’s inhabitants fell somewhere between that of 9/11 and Hurricane Irene.
However, according to The New York Times, higher-ups from Starbucks management within days reportedly visited at least two of the rogue shops and ordered them to liberate their restrooms. The company also tweeted from its Seattle headquarters: “hey, we’re not closing public bathrooms at all, that’s not true.”
So now, New Yorkers and tourists alike can rest easy knowing that the facilities in every New York City Starbucks — all 298 of them — are available to them. And, more importantly, Mr. PeePee is once again able to continue his inspirational quest to masturbate in every one of those coveted bathrooms.
We applaud Starbucks for quelling the ridiculous restroom rebellion with such alacrity. After all, the only thing worse than not having a place to go when nature calls on the mean streets of New York is seeing a man’s “coffee and cream dream” capriciously quashed by mutinous, minimum-wage employees.

Mister PeePee

Fri, 4 Nov 2011 16:43:34 -0500

It’s good to have lofty goals, but aspirations like climbing the seven summits or visiting every Major League Baseball park take time and money that most Americans don’t have. That’s why we’re honoring Mister PeePee — a true hero for the 99% — who’s shooting for the stars simply by shooting his load.
Mister PeePee has rightfully garnered coverage from multiple media outlets (Huffington Post, The Village Voice, New York magazine) after setting out on a mission to masturbate in every Starbucks bathroom in New York City and rate the results.
A self-described “big fan of Starbucks,” Mister PeePee reportedly revealed some details of his glorious endeavor on a podcast on the Glory Hole Radio Network. “I’ve got to rate the bathroom on cleanliness,” Mister PeePee said, “and [note] if a person knocked on the door and interrupted me.”
The chronic masturbator also chronicles his jerkful journey on Twitter. “Today’s Starbucks visit is rated as a 4 Boner,” Mister PeePee tweeted. “Spacious, clean, excellent coffee, strong wifi, no interruptions & 1 hot chick.”
By committing himself to whipping up his special, frothy Frappuccino in each and every one of the 298 Starbucks in New York, Mister PeePee is not just inspiring the masses. He’s performing a valuable public service for the city’s inhabitants.
That’s because privacy is a rare commodity in New York. It’s not unusual for 500-square-foot apartments to be shared by multiple roommates, which makes self-pleasuring quite challenging. But thanks to Mister PeePee’s ratings, horny New Yorkers can now determine which Starbucks bathrooms are best suited for rubbing one out.
Additionally, Mister PeePee is providing aforementioned inspiration to countless Americans who want to achieve greatness but feel hampered by the disproportionate distribution of wealth in this country. After all, not only is 99% of the wealth controlled by 1% of the people, but 99% of kickass goals are achieved by 1% of the people. Coincidence? We think not.
But Mister PeePee’s exploits demonstrate that even everyday citizens can still do something noteworthy, as long as they have the will, the focus, and the internet connection to do so. Who knows, maybe this is the start of a grassroots movement. Call it “Occupy Wall Street Starbucks Bathrooms.”

French Judicial System

Fri, 7 Oct 2011 17:53:26 -0500

Numerous people have vowed to move to France for political reasons, but never followed through. That, however, was before a French judge enticed them — and countless others — to relocate there by ruling that married couples must regularly have sex with each other.
According to a report by The Telegraph last month, a judge ordered a Frenchman, identified only as “Jean-Louis B.,” to pay his ex-wife nearly $12,000 in damages for failing to have enough sex with her during their marriage.
The 51-year-old man was fined under article 215 of France’s civil code, which states that married couples must agree to a “shared communal life.” The judge ruled that this law implies that “sexual relations must form part of a marriage.”
Two years before this most titillating ruling, the 47-year-old woman sought a divorce, blaming the breakup on her husband behaving like Three’s Company’s Mr. Roper. A judge in Nice granted the divorce and ruled the husband was solely responsible for the split.
Still, the ex-wife apparently found the divorce ruling as satisfying as battery-powered latex love toys. She followed it up by taking “Jean-Louis” back to court, demanding 10,000 euros in compensation for “lack of sex over 21 years of marriage.”
As for the ex-husband, he claimed “tiredness and health problems” caused him to be arguably the most unromantic man in a country famous for romance.
Unfortunately for him, the presiding judge in southern France’s highest court ruled in his ex-wife’s favor, saying, “A sexual relationship between husband and wife is the expression of affection they have for each other, and in this case it was absent. By getting married, couples agree to sharing their life and this clearly implies they will have sex with each other.” Is it any wonder why Al Bundy hated the French?
Of course, this isn’t just a victory for undersexed French wives. This precedent will undoubtedly apply to husbands who don’t get their pipettes polished enough. After all, ce qui est bon pour le chat est bon pour le coq.

PETA

Fri, 2 Sep 2011 01:22:01 -0500

The group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has a long history of grabbing attention with racy campaigns featuring scantily clad women. Now, in addition to clothing, PETA has finally shed all pretense and is launching its own porn website.
The animal rights group says the X-rated site’s aim is to raise awareness of veganism by offering pornographic material alongside graphic footage of animal mistreatment.
“We are preparing to launch our own peta.xxx site, but instead of just showing people our iconic ads, we then show them how animals suffer for entertainment,” spokeswoman Ashley Byrne said.
“Our racier actions are sometimes a way to get people to sit up and pay attention to the plight of animals,” she said.
Surfers who visit www.peta.xxx will initially be presented with adult content, including sexy images and videos of both celebrities and ordinary people. Viewers will then see pictures and footage shot undercover by the group’s hidden-camera investigations.
This unorthodox combination of featuring humans engaged in animalistic behavior alongside animal mistreatment is truly a brilliant ploy by PETA. By associating images of suffering animals with boner-inducing pornography, regular visitors of the site will become conditioned to think of animal abuse every time they commit self-abuse.
Whenever one of them spanks the monkey, he’ll think of someone literally spanking a monkey. Or, if you prefer, anytime he chokes the chicken, an image of a chicken actually getting choked will come to mind.
As far as promoting veganism, PETA didn’t specify how it plans to do that with porn, although it wouldn’t be hard to imagine casting fruits and veggies, like bananas and cucumbers, in supporting roles. Additionally, it’s likely just a matter of time before they release 2 Girls, 1 Cup of Vegan Chocolate Pudding.
Of course, if PETA is to remain true to its values, the content on peta.xxx will not include any well-endowed men because, after all, meat is murder. Plus, whatever tiny penises they do show will not be wearing condoms since PETA believes that all cocks should be free-ranging.

Franco Fuda

Fri, 5 Aug 2011 16:50:34 -0500

This month’s Hero is a one-man neutering crew, snipping off disgusting metal testicles one pickup truck at a time. As a police chief bent on ridding his community of Truck Nutz, he is to masculinized automobiles what Bob Barker is to household pets.
Chief Franco Fuda, of the Bonneau Police Department in southeast South Carolina, issued a ticket to 65-year-old Virginia Tice last month at a local convenience store for displaying the obnoxious adornment from her 2004 Dodge truck.
Her violation was recorded by Chief Fuda as “Obscene Bumper Sticker.”
South Carolina law considers a bumper sticker, decal, or device indecent when it describes in a “patently offensive” manner, as determined by community standards, “sexual acts, excretory functions, or parts of the human body.”
We’re sure Tice isn’t the only redneck with an underwhelming penis in the Palmetto State driving around in a truck with testicles hanging from the back, but Chief Fuda has ostensibly drawn a line in the taint and is using the existing, broad-reaching law to begin a campaign to emasculate such vehicles. It took big balls for him to write the $445 ticket.
According to a court clerk, Tice will face a jury trial later this month. This means that her peers will finally get the opportunity to determine the community standard when it comes to dangling novelty balls off the back of one’s truck.
We at Red Shtick would venture to say that the vast majority of people would rather not see an enormous set of testicles flopping around on the vehicle in front of them during rush-hour traffic, especially if their passengers include curious, inquisitive, young girls who don’t know what testicles are.

Kim Kardashian

Fri, 1 Jul 2011 17:04:15 -0500

Hollywood is crawling with fakes. From self-important posers to brand knock-offs to fantastically plastic women, it’s hard to tell what’s authentic. That’s why we’re lauding the owner of arguably the most famous and dazzling derriere in America for proving it is 100% organic.
In a recently aired episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Kim Kardashian had her behind X-rayed at a doctor’s office in order to put to rest the vicious rumors that her renowned posterior is artificially enhanced.
“My sisters have dared me to get a butt X-ray, because there are so many rumors that I have butt implants, and I’m so tired of them,” the soon-to-be-Mrs. Humphries told her family physician. “So I really just want to get like a butt X-ray, so I can show the whole world.”
In the interest of offering irrefutable scientific evidence, Kim’s sister Kourtney (aka “the other hot Kardashian”) got her admittedly enhanced breasts X-rayed to see what an implant looks like on film.
Now, some may insist these women needlessly exposed themselves to dangerous radiation just to disprove silly internet gossip. Remember, though: These are Kardashian women. They relish and thrive on overexposure.
In the (rear) end, the exam reveals Kim Kardashian’s celebrated badonkadonk to be implant-free. This is great news for countless men who worried they may have been worshipping a false idol.
Moreover, Kardashian’s timing in proving her rump is real couldn’t be more impeccable. Her unorthodox examination is effectively a preemptive strike in the brewing battle of the Hollywood bubble butts.
Only a couple weeks earlier, Coco, wife of rapper/actor Ice T, accused hip-hop star Nicki Minaj of having a counterfeit keister. In an interview with Perez Hilton, Coco, who, like Kardashian, is an E! reality TV star with a famously phenomenal fanny, dished that Minaj (also a prominent patootie proprietor) personally disclosed her scandalous fake-tail tale.
Hopefully, all these rumors and backside backbiting among otherwise mostly untalented celebrities with ties to the hip-hop community won’t lead to an all-out rap ass war. It’d be an atrocity if beefs over bums escalated to the point of violence and these women got shot in their moneymakers. While the ample cushions would likely spare their lives, the resulting damaged derrieres would all but kill their careers.
In any case, Kardashian’s brave action has not only helped silence her big heinie haters, but also sets the right example by showing how to amicably settle bulbous booty disputes.

Ana Catarina Bezerra

Fri, 3 Jun 2011 14:50:53 -0500

Has your boss ever told you to “Quit jerking off”? Did you wish you could reply “No! I’ll jerk off if I want to jerk off. It’s my right to jerk off.” Well, thanks to this month’s Hero, maybe one day you can!
Ana Catarina Bezerra recently fought for and won the right to masturbate at the accounting firm in Brazil where she works. The 36-year-old divorced mother of three suffers from a condition known as “compulsion orgasmic,” caused by a chemical imbalance that triggers severe anxiety and hypersexuality. The condition causes her to masturbate several times per day to relieve pain.
The judge ruled she can masturbate at work for 15 minutes every two hours. Plus, she will also be allowed to surf porn at work on company computers, presumably to facilitate finishing up within the allotted 15 minutes.
As bad as her condition sounds, it was even worse before she sought medical help. “There was a day I had to masturbate 47 times,” Bezerra confessed to a Brazilian newspaper. “I began to suppose that this could not be normal, and decided to seek help.”
Bezerra’s doctor, Carlos Howert, prescribed for her a potent cocktail of sedatives. Now that she’s heavily medicated, Bezerra only needs to jill off about 18 times a day. You know it’s bad when a cocktail helps prevent you from touching yourself at work.
This precedent could have implications on workplace policy around the globe. If Bezerra, a severely doped-up, single mother with three kids, can satisfactorily perform her job while spending about an hour of her work day surfing porn and pleasuring herself, why can’t everyone else get the opportunity to do the same and rub one out a couple times a day at the office?
By allowing such an occasional break, workers could come back more relaxed and able to focus. Some folks relieve tension by doodling, others by diddling. It’s healthier than smoking, and you don’t end up smelling quite as bad. Plus, even the most chronic masturbator would likely be more productive than an employee addicted to Farmville.

S. Victor Whitmill

Fri, 6 May 2011 11:31:37 -0500

The guy responsible for Mike Tyson’s famous facial ink is looking to deliver a knockout punch of his own. He’s requested an injunction to stop the release of the highly anticipated comedy The Hangover Part II, which features a similar-looking tattoo on Ed Helms’ character.
S. Victor Whitmill, an award-winning tattoo artist in Missouri who gave the former champion his current look in 2003, is suing Warner Brothers for copyright infringement. The suit seeks unspecified financial compensation and asks the judge to block the use of the tattoo in ads and in the movie that is scheduled to debut on May 26.
A trailer from the film features Helms waking up in a bathtub after a night of partying in Bangkok with (what Whitmill calls) “one of the most distinctive tattoos in the nation” on his face. It seems the film’s producers thought such a scene would be funny since Tyson played a minor role in the original Hangover movie. However, just like Whitmill, we’re not laughing.
“It’s a work of visual art,” said Pete Salsich, Whitmill’s attorney and principal at the completely respectable-sounding BrickHouse Law Group. “Mr. Whitmill does have a copyright registration for that. In that sense, this is taking somebody’s art and making unauthorized copy or unauthorized derivative work from that art.”
Yes, it’s a work of art. And what better place to install a treasure from the art world than on the visage of a man who gets punched in the face for a living?
Undoubtedly, Warner Brothers will argue in court it has the right to replicate the iconic tattoo in a parodic manner. However, art is to be appreciated and taken seriously. It should never be mocked, even if it seems ridiculously hilarious to do so.
If Whitmill succeeds, he could very well set a welcome legal precedent for tattoo artists around the country who have their designs pirated by others. No one else has the right to make money on original designs like Whitmill’s, not even the Maori people of New Zealand who have been donning remarkably similar tattoos on their faces for hundreds of years.

Ann Coulter

Fri, 1 Apr 2011 16:29:46 -0500

Amid the hysteria about the alleged “dangers” posed by radiation from the crippled Fukushima Dai-ichi nuclear power plant in Japan, one sensible, calming voice has tried to shine the light of truth on the subject by saying what the mainstream media refuse to say, specifically, that radiation is good for you.
Conservative commentator and author Ann Coulter recently wrote a brilliant and scientifically sound column titled “A Glowing Report on Radiation” in which she daringly said “an increasing number of scientists believe that at some level — much higher than the minimums set by the U.S. government — radiation is good for you.” She also exposed in her column that there is “burgeoning evidence that excess radiation operates as a sort of cancer vaccine.”
When asked a day later by Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly why the medical establishment isn’t saying the same thing, Coulter countered, “Well, they are. They are not getting a lot of media attention for it.”
As for why the media aren’t proclaiming the glorious news about the wonders of radiation exposure, Coulter said they want people to be frightened of it for two reasons: so they can sensationalize its purported ill effects for the sake of ratings, and because they have a bias against nuclear power.
In fact, the only thing more frustrating than the media’s reluctance to report on the astonishing health benefits of radiation is the innumerable number of scientists who’ve debunked the very studies cited in Ms. Coulter’s column.
Well, who the hell are they to say radiation exposure is bad for humans? There are tons of literature in our culture that prove it does, in fact, have myriad benefits. Just go to any comic book store to see for yourself.
Truth is, if it weren’t for radiation, many of our favorite superheroes wouldn’t exist. Spider Man. The Incredible Hulk. The Fantastic Four. They all got their super powers from radiation exposure.
Plus, just look at the folks who live in Springfield on The Simpsons. They live in the shadow of a nuclear power plant with arguably the worst safety record of any of in the country. Yet, no one in town has ever contracted cancer, and all the residents look like they haven’t aged a day in over 20 years.
We strongly encourage all of Ann Coulter’s loyal fans to ardently follow her advice and expose themselves to as much radiation as they possibly can. As a matter of fact, they could receive significant doses of such miraculous isotopes and help the devastated Japanese economy at the same time by traveling there to swim in the healing waters of the Pacific near the Fukushima Dai-ichi nuclear power plant.