Blood Alcohol
Championship Series
Despite pledging during his 2007 gubernatorial campaign to have “zero tolerance for ethical lapses” by his administrative appointees, Gov. Bobby Jindal has apparently mellowed in his old age. Either that or, now that’s he’s been reelected, he just doesn’t really give a rat’s ass that his commissioner of administration was arrested on a count of DWI and reportedly had a blood-alcohol level measuring more than twice the legal limit.
Is It in You? No? Good. Keep It That Way
Stanford Declared Competent to Use Bathroom Unassisted
HOUSTON — U.S. District Judge David Hittner ruled last month that jailed Texas financier R. Allen Stanford is sufficiently capable of wiping his own ass.
Hittner’s decision came after a nearly three-day competency hearing for the disgraced financier who stands trial this month in allegedly bilking investors out of $7.2 billion in a massive Ponzi scheme.
Caveat Neighbor
Make Your Last Year Count!
If I lived next to one of those houses, I’d make up flyers for a rave with your address, plant X on Santa’s sleigh, then call Crime Stoppers.
I’m hoping this is the one thing the rednecks stockpiling guns and MREs out in the woods have right. … God is coming; everyone look busy.
Hero Highlight
Sphincter Spotlight
Burning the Midnight Celluloid
… the anticipation is the tantalizing and ecstatic period of contemplation on how great and wonderful a movie could be.
I initially thought about using this month’s column to suggest various personalized New Year’s resolutions to different people. For instance, perhaps Mike Ditka should resolve to enunciate the last two syllables of his sentences. It’s just a suggestion.
However, after noticing a disturbing trend, I’ve decided to suggest just one resolution for everyone: Stop letting strange people inject strange stuff into your body!
Presidential Potables
It’s officially election year … finally. And just like four years ago, there are several presidential candidates still in the running, and the choices can be somewhat confusing. Therefore, once again, we’ve simplified the process by “distilling” each candidate down to an alcoholic beverage in order to help voters decide the next leader of the free world.
... appropriately served in an old-fashioned glass. Drinking it may not abolish the Federal Reserve, but it’ll make you forget it exists.
No Need to Watch the NFL Playoffs – There’ll Be No Surprises
God didn’t like football enough to give Tebow the win over New England the first time, and God doesn’t change His mind very often.
Pats win.
It’s the End of the World as We Know It ... and Sean Connery Needs to Pay!
… it’s gonna be pretty hard to scream in fear when the last trumpet sounds and a 700-foot Cesar Romero stomps us all to death if I’m baked when it happens.
Life Lesson #5: New Year’s Resolutions
Funyuns, delicious though they may be, are not part of a complete breakfast, and ICEEs are not what’s for dinner.
New Words for the New Year
If the only articles of clothing that fit you are made of “sweat” material, stop wearing thongs that “whale tail” out of the back of your elastic.
Highs and Lows of Sports in 2011
… at least now I don’t have to deal with Khloe Kardashian making a new reality show in New Orleans.
2011: The Year in Review, Part II
… federal health officials reassure the American public that the large majority of cantaloupes that don’t cause illness or death are perfectly safe.
2012: Not Just a Stupid Movie
With the presidential election coming up in November, I am starting to welcome the end of the world. Really, I’m sick of the candidates already.
Scene & Herd: Uggs
Go out to a bar on game night and pick these dudes out. You can kill your liver playing one hell of a game of Duck, Duck, Douche …
Oh, No! It’s the Gummint!
So, the lightbulb. That thing with the spiral metal base that you struggle to use, if you’re joke-Polish. This humble source of mirth, as well as shining example of a great idea, and/or the fruit of Edison’s dogged efforts, is now a political hot potato of sorts. Which is great, given that a lightbulb is, roughly, the size of a hot potato...
Bright is good. Bright is shiny. Bright shows you where the dogs piddled on the floor last night …
The Great Big Story
Writing When You Wanna
Thought about trying procrastination, but not sure if you’re cut out for it? Well, start a novel. Within a few weeks, you’ll master avoidance in a way you never knew possible.
The Fun Aunt Takes a Turn for the Mom
Is this constant, overwhelming worry what regular parents feel all the time?
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