Red Shtick Magazine – Irreverent Views & Satirical News

Blood Alcohol

Championship Series

Vanilla has such a bad rap for being boring. The very word is synonymous with blandness.

This month’s Blood Alcohol Championship Series honorable mention entry, however, had quite a flavorful drunk-driving arrest with the help of a couple of partially consumed bottles of vanilla extract.

Mounting Trophies

Tensions Grow Between U.S. and North Korea

With North Korea’s announcement that they have developed the ability to enrich uranium enough to build nuclear weapons, an already tense relationship with the United States has only grown worse.

Each new threat from the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (their name, not ours) has led to new and inventive sanctions from the United Nations.

The World’s Most Influential People

Foodies and Pedos

Gimme Gimme Gimme

My Grandmother and Envie

Kim Jong II: Zany communist ruler of the Animal Farm-like country known as North Korea who looks like an oriental Smiley Anders on a
bad hair day...

You should just put your kid on the curb with a sign that says “Please kidnap me, creepy guy in the van.”

If the entire state of Louisiana is wiped out by a storm or global warming, we have enough Community Coffee to rebuild the state here in south Colorado. Just bring beignets and boudin balls.

Why, the Toto Neorest 600: the finest toilet $5,000 can buy. Not only does it hose down and dry your tushy, but it also remembers to close the lid and flush for you.

In most Walmart stores, the only smiling faces you’ll find are on the company’s yellow logo. Therefore, we’re giving this month’s “Brown I” to the mega

retailer for terminating a model employee who tested positive for legal, medical marijuana.

Hero Highlight

Sphincter Spotlight

The Spit Heard ’Round the World

Dooley started to charge at him again before I pulled him back. “Look, Vic. He’s had enough; he can barely stand, and he doesn’t even realize his pants are still down. Just let him go; he’s had enough.”

This month’s hero has inked an agreement with America’s favorite underage seductress/convicted felon.

Though a relatively small fish in the vast ocean of adult filmmakers, Dreamzone Entertainment recently made a big splash by landing a multimovie deal with Joey Buttafuoco’s former teenage girlfriend Amy Fisher.

Plausible? Whatever! It’s a Movie

There are lots of things in the movie that are highly improbable, but we forgive this because (A) it’s a movie and not meant to be taken so seriously that political action need be taken and (B) Angelina Jolie is freaking hot.

Verdict on This Summer in Sports: Not as Boring as Usual

Maybe soon we can make LeBron James (F, Miami) the CEO of BP. That way, the oil leak will finally get the analysis, blocking, and role players it needs.

I don’t know about you, but if this summer were over today, it wouldn’t be a moment too soon. As if the worst environmental disaster, a crappy economy, and one of the hottest Julys on record weren’t enough to endure, we also had the World Cup.

And it wasn’t just any World Cup, but a World Cup replete with the incessant, insidious droning of vuvuzelas.

Hello, Baton Rouge. I’m Back ...

It’s been a while, I know. But I never meant to hurt you, turning a cold shoulder to the Red Shtick readership.

You stayed with me through the hot, sweaty, single nights and the first few months of a sometimes sweet, sometimes raunchy, but serious relationship. That takes commitment — something you’re very good at, at least via a magazine column.

And if it doesn’t, you’re still friends. You’ll just never think of the kitchen table at his house/your house the same way ever again.

Just the Tip

No Fuego was borrowing 6pd’s former bass player’s Ford Excursion. No Fuego also took a dump in a partially filled container of tuna and left it in the Excursion...