It’s October, and as every school kid knows, that means Halloween. I’ve always been a big fan of the holiday since it involves two of my favorite activities: begging for candy and chicks in skanky outfits. But as I recently found out, there is a certain group who takes the holiday far more seriously than I. “Witches!” some of you are saying, and you’d be very wrong. For Wiccans, the holiday is pretty boring, coming off as little more than a harvest celebration.

No, the ones who really buy into the occult aspects of the holiday are the super-conservative Christian sects. I found this out recently when I took my newly adopted kitten to the vet for his first shots.

“Oh, he’s a black kitty!” said the young lady at the desk.

“Yes,” I replied wittily. “Is that strange?”

She responded with the news that few people adopt black cats during the year, but there is a rush of adoptions close to Halloween. Turns out, they’re being picked up by radical Christians and slaughtered because they’re the servants of the devil. I really wish I was kidding here, but she said they have actually taken to halting the adoption of black cats in the week before Halloween because of it.

Naturally, I doubted the claim that the cute little kitten I held so lovingly in my arms was the devil’s minion. That was until last week, when he woke me up after stalking and thoroughly eviscerating my morning wood. I wonder if my microwave has a kitten setting?

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Everybody makes caramel apples at Halloween. Be original and surprise your coworkers with a big batch of candied onions!

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Before you go dunking your head in the apple-bobbing tank, remember that there are more than 200 different types of bacteria in your mouth alone. I’d use tongs.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Kids today are always looking to scam you, so when they hold up that little UNICEF box and ask for your change, do what I do: Steal their candy and slam the door in their faces. Help the needy, my rosy red butt.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Not everyone out on Halloween night is playing along. You should probably listen to the guy in the policeman’s outfit with the badge and the live firearm pointed at you.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Ghosts aren’t real, but botulism is, so I’d suggest not using your jack-o’-lantern for pumpkin pie again this Thanksgiving.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Prepare for the scariest night of your life when you mess up the directions to The 13th Gate (America’s #1 haunted attraction) and end up at Splash’s Halloween party, thus earning yourself a treat and an unexpected trick at the end of the night.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Prepare to truly live as the living dead when a vampire at your Halloween party bites you on the neck. The fangs won’t be real, but the HIV he’s carrying will be.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): You’ll make history this year after becoming the first real, documented case of someone choking on a razorblade hidden in trick-or-treat candy.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Your neighbor didn’t have decorations out for Christmas. He didn’t have decorations out for Easter. He didn’t have decorations out for Thanksgiving. You probably should have checked on that hanged “dummy” in his front yard then, huh?

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Kids today are spoiled. Put some tricks in their bags this year. I’d suggest raw eggs, live worms, or chicken innards – chocolate-covered, of course.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): That “schoolgirl” you’ll be hitting on this year at the party is neither in school nor a girl.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The most popular Halloween costumes every year are witch, pirate, vampire, cat, and clown, in that order. Be original and go as a ninja. Then show off your new costume by surprising drivers with your stealthy ability to run in front of them. I’ll bet they won’t even see you.