November is the Wednesday of months. Stay with me here.

We’re not quite at the excitement of the weekend that is Christmas and New Year’s, but we’ve moved beyond the grind of the business week that is the majority of the year. Pretty soon, it’ll be all about shopping and parties and ridiculous amounts of food, but first, this.

By itself, it is nowhere near as exciting as what’s to come, but hey, we can do something with it, huh? We’ll give it a nickname, like Hump Day or Thanksgiving, that is dumb but takes our minds off of the excruciating wait before something great happens. Here, have some turkey and shut up about it already.

Now, let’s see if you have anything to be thankful for this year.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Have a traditional Thanksgiving by celebrating the way the Puritans did: Flog yourself until you bleed, and then burn a witch for curing headaches with willow bark.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): It’s okay if you want to skip out on the holidays this year. Ignoring your family and working on your day off is actually far more American.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Even if you can’t cook, it’s always nice to at least bring a Jell-O® mold to dinner. Adding a bottle of vodka not only helps it set better but eases post-dinner tension. Nothing says “Happy Holidays” like grandma topless on the dinner table.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Your dad’s been dieting, so his tolerance has taken a nosedive. Chances are, he’ll pass out before he even gets close to really berating you this year.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Your cousin is finally coming out of the closet. As if bringing his “roommate” to every family gathering for the last three years wasn’t a clue.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Grandma is starting to slip into the last stages of dementia. I’d stay away from her stuffing. Odds are, those little chunks in it are kitty litter.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): That protest-hungry family member has finally turned her sights on Thanksgiving. Expect an hour-long lecture about how we robbed the Native Americans blind, right before she goes out back to hit the peace pipe.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Disposing of your mother’s cranberry sauce by giving it to the dog is going to backfire in a big way. I’m not sure which end you’ll be getting the refund from, but save your napkins.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Mom’s going to forget to take all the crap out of the inside of the bird this year. I’d stick to the mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): To liven up the holiday, your father will shoot his own turkey. Expect all the people at Wal-Mart to run like hell and be really pissed when it’s all over.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The hook-up with your buddy’s hot friend at that party is something to be thankful for. The anal warts she gave you are not.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Looks like you’re getting stuck with the kids again. Just remember, even if you can’t get over the children’s table, it’s real easy to drink all those little punks under it.