August is a popular month for birthdays, mainly because December is a really cold month. In fact, more people are born in August than any other month. Go ahead; think about it. How many August birthdays do you know? Well, there’s me, so that’s at least one. All gifts may be mailed to Knick Moore c/o Red Shtick Magazine, P.O. Box 45591, Baton Rouge, LA 70895-4591. I will happily accept gift certificates to places like tattoo parlors (preferably for the Ink Shop on Coursey; talk to Micro), bars, or anything you think I’d like.  I’m easy to buy for.

Since you’re now on your way to get me something nice, I think I’ll get you something nice for once. This month’s horoscopes are all positive, so enjoy, Baton Rouge!

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): A new home is on your horizon, since your old one’s getting foreclosed on soon.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Enjoy learning something new about yourself when the doctor informs you of your food allergy after you wake up in the E.R.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You’re going to love the healthy new body you’ll develop after you’re forced to start walking to work due to gas prices.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Nothing beats shopping for a new wardrobe, which you get to do after you lose yours in the fire.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Remember how much you loved Pirates of the Caribbean? Well, you get to live the dream with the hook and eye patch you’ll get after the accident.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Know how much you like Chinese food? Well, you’ll get it every day once skyrocketing food prices force you to eat a steady diet of rice and tap water.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Smile! That rash on your nethers is totally curable.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): You should probably plan on getting in a wreck toward the end of the month, but thankfully, your car will limp away under its own power.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Your father is removing you from his life insurance policy, but don’t sweat it; he’s committing suicide, so you wouldn’t have gotten anything, anyway.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): A job opportunity will arise next month when your boss fires you over the “apple incident.” You know what I mean …

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You are due for some awesome Mexican food soon. It’s going to be so good you won’t even mind the pant-splitting diarrhea.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Be prepared to make some new friends when you’re busted for a DUI next week. Hey, you’ll probably get nominated for the Judge Johnson trophy while you’re at it!