September is the missionary position of months.  If it were a president, it would be James K. Polk.  Other months are named after gods or emperors; “September” comes from the Latin for “seven,” since it used to be the seventh month.  We’re talking about a month that didn’t even have the balls to change its name when it was demoted.

So what do we have to look forward to in this water-flavored ice cream of a month?  Well, in Japan, they have Respect for the Aged Day, and in the United States, we celebrate Grandparents Day, so I guess it’s world assisted-living month.  September is weak and depressing.  What does it hold for you?  Well, let’s see …

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – This month sees you as the fiery sword of vengeance.  Lay waste to all who oppose you, and piss on the ashes of the weak!

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Your mind is very open right now, so you should learn lots of new things about the world around you.  This could mean new discoveries in work or school, or it could mean learning about a new and horrible disease you’ve contracted.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – For some reason, you’re channeling antiestablishment folk heroes this month.  Plan on getting into it with every authority figure in your life.  You’re probably going to go off and get fired.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – You’re really centered this month.  Your sense of well-being and emotional calm is going to cause you to underestimate the stupidity of those around you and cost you dearly.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Everyone is going to be bothering you for help this month.  It’s going to be annoying, but if you don’t help, then the failure of others is all your fault.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – The position of Venus suggests you stay away from fruit-flavored yogurts for a while.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20) – Nothing really bad is going to happen to you this month, but you should expect a lot of little things to come together and slowly drive you into a nightmarish state of alcoholism.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19) – You and your perfect match are in sync right now.  If you and your significant other are fighting, then you’re not meant to be.  Try sleeping around for a while.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20) – If I were you, I wouldn’t talk to anybody for a day or two. Odds are, you’re going to say something dumb that will alienate you from your already estranged friends and family.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) – Your emotional stability is great this month.  However, your brain is going to compensate by having you forget how to tie your shoes and sign your name.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) – All your plans for this month are shot.  Ditch work and have a margarita picnic.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) – You’re really energized this month!  Guess it’s time to go over your medication with your doctor again.