If you’re reading this, then congratulations on surviving another holiday season. Unfortunately, surviving the worst of it means that you now have to start over from the beginning, just like herpes. So let’s get together and get you something to focus on, some sort of resolution to give your life purpose for the coming year. This time, I’ll not only give you a goal, but I’ll include a surefire way to achieve it, free of charge. Happy New Year, everybody!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): If you want to quit smoking, start packing your cigarettes with some of that pink fluffy insulation from your attic.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Want to end a bad relationship on your terms? Get yourself a $5 prostitute and an STD. Everything else will take care of itself.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Switching from vodka to rubbing alcohol makes quitting drinking a snap.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Are you interested in improving your communications with your parents? All it takes is a little more time together. Quit your job and move back home.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Have you decided now is the time to start traveling more? Are you morally ambiguous when it comes to killing strangers? Join the military and let the government pick up the tab.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You’ll never start down the road to a better job while you’re stuck safely in your current occupation. Quit tomorrow and never look back! Seriously, don’t; in this economy, your job will be long gone.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): The easiest way to improve your religious fervor is to spend as much time as possible with others that share your excitement. Since most churches are glorified social clubs, I’d suggest either a cult or prison.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): If you want to scale down the clutter in your home, start smoking crack. The combination of nervous cleaning and pawning all your worldly possessions for drugs will get you a tidy house in no time.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Looking to do more for your community? Spend an evening driving around town with a six-pack, and let your local government set you up with all the community service you’ll ever want.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Are you ready to become more outgoing? Well, no one is as good at talking to strangers as the mentally handicapped! Give yourself the edge you need via heavy drinking and self-inflicted brain damage.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Resolution: Get a haircut. Solution: Get a haircut. And you’re done for the year!

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Need a way to lose thirty pounds fast? Try removing one of your legs at the thigh.