It’s the most wonderful time of the year!!! Some would argue that time is right around Christmas, but let’s be honest: Nowadays, Christmas starts in October.

But this is the best time! Before the day actually comes and goes, when we still have the promise of Thanksgiving fatness and plenty of time to shop. Before the depression and stress of finding the right gifts, before the holiday bloating and football angst, before the magical day comes and goes and we still didn’t get the cashmere underwear we’ve been asking Santa for since ’02!!!

That’s in the future. Right now, we have the false promise of everything going perfect.

But Thanksgiving is fast approaching. That’s the day all the crap comes out, and I’m not just talking about the annual potty assault after dinner.

Since this is the first time since last Christmas most families have gotten together, there’s always an announcement. Maybe this year it’s yours?

Did you finally get the hatchet at work? Wife leaving you for the milkman? Decide now is the time to tell the family the truth about your “roommate”?

Well, Red Shtick is here to ease the discomfort of releasing all that built-up tension like an Ex-Lax dropped into a glass of Metamucil mixed with prune juice. This month, we give you your star-prescribed method of dropping your holiday bombshell.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Write it on a cookie cake. Everybody loves cookie cake.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Express the raw emotion of your tragedy through interpretive dance. Stretch first.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Make a sock puppet. “I don’t have anything to share. But Mr. Stinkyfeet has something to say.”

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Bake some “magic brownies” and leave them on the dessert table. Wait to share your news until everyone is more receptive.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Get together some film students and make a humorous and original YouTube video involving cats and crotch shots.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Stand and give your message to the family in American Sign Language. Have Marlee Matlin’s little Tattoo sidekick guy there to translate it to everyone.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Whisper your secret quietly in front of the kids’ table. Somehow it always gets out. Who knows?

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Show up to dinner with a person the same sex as you but of a different race. Don’t say anything until dessert, when you mention you have to make an announcement. Then go, “Oh … no, this is just a friend of mine. I just had my third abortion.” Or whatever.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Turn yourself into a human fortune cookie by writing your news on a bunch of tiny slips of paper then swallowing them whole. Gorge yourself at dinner, and then barf them up all over the table. Surprises for everyone!

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Hire a one-man band to come in and accompany you while you sing your news. They’re always so festive.

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): Unroll the toilet paper in the bathroom halfway, and write your message on one of the slips of paper. Roll it back up, and let Uncle Mike tell everybody after he comes out from his Turkey Day dump-a-thon.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Say it really fast and loud, and then laugh uproariously and fakely to yourself. That makes everything funny, right? Right, fat lady at work? With the hunky fireman calendar? Who steals my Twinkie? Every day?!!