Fa la la la la, la la la la!!!!! It’s Christmastime!!!

Notice I said CHRISTmas, not X-mas, there. It’s not the holidays; it’s not the season; it’s frigging CHRISTMAS!!!

Hanukkah isn’t that big a deal; Kwanzaa is an utter joke (read the Wikipedia article); what else are you going to celebrate, the solstice? Well, kinda – remember that before the church stuck its fat face into it, the winter season was the time of Sol Invicti and later Saturnalia. But in order to convert the pagans, the church went ahead and changed Jesus’ birthday to coincide with holidays the people were already celebrating.

How would you feel if your family switched your birthday to Christmas to save on presents? See, that’s why the world’s ending in 2012. Way to go, Pope.

Anyway, tis the frigging season. Here are some astrological gift ideas, straight from the heavens to you. Merry Christmas, Shtickheads!!!

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): What do you get for the trillionaire butt plug who has everything? How about a matching megayacht and Airbus A380, the world’s largest jumbo jet, both customized with their new owner’s “personal brand” by Patrick Knowles? Yeah, you’re right; he probably deserves a big lump of coal instead.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I hate getting Christmas-themed Christmas gifts. By the time you get them, they’re worthless for a year – unless you get the world’s most valuable Christmas Tree Bauble from Hallmark Jewellers. With 1,578 diamonds and 188 rubies, it’s worth more than $136,000. And you’ll more than likely lose it when you’re taking down the tree the next day.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Maybe you’d like to get that someone special a new set of wheels. How about the Bugatti Veyron? At an average price of around $1.8 million, he’s sure to be impressed. Can’t afford it? Well, some joker in Texas parked his in a saltwater marsh last month. I’m sure he’d cut you a deal.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Why fritter your money away on motor yachts when you could be getting them the Wally Hermes WHY 58x38? This monster yacht comes in at 190 feet by 125 feet, making it more of a personal island than a private ship – all theirs for a paltry $148 million.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Maybe you’re that gift giver with the eye for something rare. Well, outside of moon rocks, the most rare thing I could think of is smallpox. As of December 1979, the World Health Organization declared it eradicated, so I’d start calling those government labs early to see about getting a sample.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): If you’re in the market for something cute this year, I’ve conducted an unscientific poll and found that the cutest gift on earth would be a baby orangutan riding a piglet - both of them in Santa hats. A close second is a fat Chinese baby laughing at a butterfly, but they are sooooo tough to find this time of year.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): What about something special for the bathroom, you say? How about some luxury toilet paper? Despite barely graduating high school and getting squeezed into the doofus program at Yale before dropping out of the one class he signed up for, Glenn Beck has managed to slam his forehead into a keyboard enough times to crank out six books. Remember to go front to back, ladies.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Not everyone deserves something nice under the tree, but nowadays you can get a little lump of coal from Walmart. For the connoisseur, we offer “zoo poo.” While this lovely mixture of the poops of a wide array of exotic animals is available at a number of gardening supply stores, you could always call up BREC’s Baton Rouge Zoo and offer to pick up a load.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): There are a few religious traditionalists out there who would prefer to give some of the same gifts that the wise men brought Jesus. Myrrh was used as an embalming agent and can be tough to come by during the holiday season. Why not give your loved one a four-pack of one-gallon bottles of formaldehyde? Just $57 from Cole-Parmer.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): I have a special gift idea for you. Last year, my wife turned me on to cashmere. I now have two sweaters and a great pair of socks. What I think would really drive it home, though, is a pair of cashmere undies. Because doggone it, aren’t we worth it?

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Puppies and kittens make great gifts. But from personal experience, I should tell you not to wrap them more than two weeks ahead of time. Sometimes it’s really not the thought that counts.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Perhaps the greatest gift you can offer someone is an experience of personal growth. I find that children are the ones most suited to this kind of present, as every experience is based on the reality of promises. In other words, when a child receives a neatly wrapped gift, he knows something is going to be inside of it. Do something special this year and teach a child in your life about disappointment.