Hey, readers, and a happy fifth anniversary! So, are you where you thought you’d be five years ago? Have you spent your time wisely? Didn’t think so, but it’s not my fault. I’ve only been doing this for a couple of years. If I had been doing this from the beginning, you would have known five years ago it was best to just save your time, give up, and join the Army.

Are you lacking the guts or suicidal drive to join the armed forces? Really? You’ve been reading this magazine for the last five years, and you don’t have the slightest inclination to give up? Not even the Coast Guard? You could fight “terrorists,” or Cuban refugees or the like. Hmmm?

Well, looks like we haven’t been doing our jobs! That does it, folks! You’re all getting a special fifth anniversary horrorscope! This month, I reveal to you exactly how you’re going to finally break down and give up!

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Your paranoia over the possibility of losing your job will convince you to take a preemptive strike and kill your family and yourself after leaving an angry letter for the cops to find. No? Too soon? Yeah, it’s probably still a little too soon.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Remember that resolution you made to lose weight? You will next time you step on the scale. Your epic failure yet again will convince you to quit trying, and you’ll eat yourself into a coronary infarction. (Here’s a little push: As I write this, I’ve already lost twenty pounds.)

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Your next birthday will be your last. Your age will remind you of how little you’ve accomplished so far, and you’ll blow your last hundred bucks on lottery tickets. After you lose, you’ll eat all the lottery stubs out of a combination of starvation and hopelessness. Then ink poisoning.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): After you finally come to terms with the futility of existence, you’ll live out the remainder of your life in a dead-end job you hate, coming home to a spouse you despise and raising kids who don’t really respect you and will eventually put you in a third-rate nursing home, where you’ll die cold and alone.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): To make up for the lack of adventure in your life, you’ll attempt to make up for it by skydiving. You’ll never feel more alive than you will after you realize your tandem diver has given up and decided to take you with him.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): In an attempt to make up for lost time, you’re going to go back to school for that advanced degree you always wanted. However, your fervor for college life will result in you drinking yourself to death at a frat party. But hey, you’ll make the school paper!

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I don’t know how and I don’t know why, but the only picture I have is of you stepping in front of a train with your eyes clinched shut and clutching a tattered stuffed animal.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Stress at home will force you into the arms of another. Unfortunately, you’re not that attractive, and the prostitute you run to will be an undercover cop. Expect to be raped to death in prison with a plunger.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You’re not going to make the news for the letter you send the TV station. You’re not going to make the news for jumping off the bridge. You will make the news for landing in the exhaust tower of a tugboat and getting your carcass smoked like a Thanksgiving turkey.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You’re going to make one last attempt at grabbing an exciting life for yourself, and you’re going to kick it off with an exciting new hairdo. Unfortunately, the apprentice stylist will be so distracted by the text-messaging in her left hand that her right hand will jam the shears through your eye and into your brain. You will instantly crap your pants and die in your own filth.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You’re going to make a bet with your friends that you can shoot heroin into yourself without getting hooked. You’re going to lose.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): A mess-up at the lab will result in you being mistakenly diagnosed with AIDS. Considering your life to be over, you will dedicate yourself to random sex with strangers until you ironically end up dying from AIDS.