The story of March is a sad one. At one time, it marked the beginning of spring, meaning the beginning of the war campaign season. Thus its original name Martius, after the Roman god of war.

Now what is it? The month that contains Easter every now and then. What should we do for the war month? Paint eggs and eat chocolate rabbits! That is disgraceful.

Thankfully, my people are a generous sort, and they offered the world and the month of March some major redemption: St. Patrick’s Day! Unlike every other Christian holiday, St. Patrick’s Day is the only one with both an age and experience requirement. Sorry, folks, but the Irish invented it without thinking about the physiological and lifestyle disabilities the rest of you experience every day. Asians may be good at math, but they can't drink for crap.

So enjoy our gift to the Western world responsibly, and keep the following in mind.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): The temporary shamrock tattoo you’re going to wear wouldn’t be a problem if you weren’t going to drink yourself into parish prison, where the white supremacists see it as their own personal symbol. Good luck.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Everyone has a little Irish in them (even Obama). Just keep in mind that some of that Irish has herpes.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Irish rock may sound violent, but it’s drinking music, meant to be sung along with loudly. Don’t try to start a mosh pit unless you want a bunch of angry Irishmen beating you into a submissive, weeping pulp.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): The Irish are the only people not required to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day. This is because of the tint of our livers. If you pinch an Irishman, expect a beating.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): No matter how much you have to drink, remember that your average Irish American is just a pint away from being easily offended. That said, I’d shy away from any and all references to that racist, cereal-peddling elf on the television.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): While St. Patrick is known for driving out all the snakes from Ireland, a lesser-known fact is that Ireland is also free of rabbits. Because of this, we react to bunnies the way those freaky werepeople in Sleepwalkers reacted to cats.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): In Scotland, the kilt is a symbol of national pride. The pattern on it is handed down among clans and is seen as a source of pride. In Ireland, it is only worn by piping clubs. In America, the Irish wear it because it makes it easy to pee when drunk. Now you know.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): No, we can’t all Riverdance. We can, however, give and take a punch. Even the women. You have been warned.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Do not, under any circumstances, accept a bet with an Irishman. The gift of blarney is real and deadly. If you have any doubts, remember that JFK was able to both sleep with Marilyn Monroe and keep his wife.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Your disregard for the State Department’s warning against travel to Mexico will result in you being sodomized into submission and forced into life as a rectal mule for the drug cartels.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Don’t let size or weight fool you. When a 5-foot-tall, 85-pound woman challenges you to a drinking contest, you can bet 12 pounds of her is liver.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Three things about Leprechauns: (1) They wear red, (2) They repair shoes, and (3) They aren’t real. So when the little guy in the green suit offers to grant a wish in exchange for sexual favors, odds are he’s a perverted midget in a costume.