So here we are, halfway through April, and you’re just now realizing you totally forgot to celebrate April Fool’s Day. Well, the Shtick’s got you covered.

Thankfully, April Fool’s pranks are far more effective when they’re played weeks after April Fool’s Day. Let’s put our heads together and get you into the holiday season, shall we?

(For God’s sake, don’t do any of this, please.)

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Vaseline on the toilet seat feels gross. So that’s a start. But try adding a little salt to keep the laughs coming for days to come.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Open a ketchup packet and place it under the little pad under the toilet seat. Under the other pad place a stink bomb. The combination of the smell and the visuals will make your victim think his insides are on the way out.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Tell people you’re starting a hedge fund and you can guarantee them foolproof returns. Then just deposit their money in a Chase Manhattan account. As more people show up, use their deposits to pay off earlier “investors.” You’ll be amazed how far you can go with this.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Swing by the post office to pick up some of those large, sheet-sized, blank shipping labels, and make some custom bumper stickers for your friends. Think of slogans that will really catch the eye, like: “Abortions aren’t just fun, they’re delicious!” or “Radical Islamist Pilots Association,” or “Hey, Redneck, Bet You Can’t Nudge Me Off the Road!” Be creative.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Spend eight years chastising another political party for not supporting the president. Then, when their candidate is elected, do exactly what you charged them with doing. They’ll never see it coming.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Go online and get yourself some crab lice eggs. (You’d be amazed at what you can find on the web). Sprinkle them liberally on your victim’s headrest. I promise they will make it to their new permanent home.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You may have heard that dripping Visine in someone’s drink will give him diarrhea. It won’t. However, the Tetrahydrozoline will lower body temperature, halt breathing, blur vision, cause vomiting, create seizures, and send the victim into a coma … all of which are waayyyy funnier than diarrhea.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Convince your children that they have an invisible friend they can talk to who will grant all their wishes. All they have to do is be good their whole lives and occasionally spend some “special time” with a man of the cloth.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): For you, a twist on the salty toothbrush. In the classic version, you wet your victim’s toothbrush and rub it in salt. In the Shtick version, you rub it in Epsom salt, resulting in not only a disgusting flavor but also severe diarrhea.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Anyone can post a fake ad on Craigslist for a friend, but it takes a true artist to first Photoshop a compromising picture of her friend and then post an ad in erotic services.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Bengay in a jockstrap isn’t bad. It’s a classic that’s easy to execute. The problem is the reaction is instant, and the cause is immediately understood by the victim. Try sprinkling lye in his underwear. It won’t react until he sweats, and the severe scarring will always remind him of what a card you really are.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): “I signed my friend up for a visit by The Church of Mormon.” How droll. Sign him up for NAMBLA and watch the feds pay him a visit.