It’s May. That may not mean much to you, but for a guy who writes fake horoscopes, it means a lot. You see, May is the month that contains Mother’s Day. So I guess it’s time once again to abuse your mother like I caught her breaking into my car.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Your mother is so fat she has a surgeon general’s warning on the back of her neck! 

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Your mother’s life is so tragic Toby Keith cashed in and wrote a song about it.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Your mother is a prostitute with many sexually transmitted diseases.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Your mother is so fat she runs an elevated risk of heart disease and stroke.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Your mother is so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk!

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Your mother is so dirty, when she crosses her legs, I get seasick!

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Your mother is so fat, she broke her leg, and a Big Mac fell out!

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Your mother is such a worthless whore that even Obama won’t bail her out!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Your mother is so ugly your father brings her to work with him so he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye!

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Your mother is so fat, when she goes to the movies, she sits next to everybody!

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Your mother is so ugly that most people find it difficult to look at her for extended periods of time. She is that unattractive.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Your mother is so hairy you almost died of rug burns when you were born!