June is here, which means summer is in full swing. The next wiener that asks if it’s hot enough for me loses a testicle. Yes, it’s hot enough for me. Thank you; would you like this back now?

I know how you’re feeling, Red Shtickers. The short period of time when my sunroof made things nice has passed. Now it just turns my car’s interior into a convection oven. But it’s not all bad: If life’s got you down, just cruise your car down to the lakes, turn up the A/C, and gauge the heat outside by the skimpiness of the joggers’ outfits.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You should consider yourself lucky relationship-wise. June is named after Juno, the goddess of the married home, which should give a little boost in the marriage department. Juno was also a screenplay written by a stripper, so take it as you will.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Bloomsday is June 16. You could spend the day celebrating James Joyce’s Ulysses, or you could do what the rest of Ireland is doing and complain about Joyce’s pretentiousness over a pint of heavy.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): June 19 is known as “Juneteenth” or “Emancipation Day” in Texas. In the rest of the country, just like with every other thing Texans go on about, we really couldn’t care less. So spend the day raising a toast to Santa Anna and reminding them about Alaska.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): June 24 is the feast day of John the Baptist, so put on your hair shirt and spend some time in the desert eating bugs and forcing people’s heads underwater.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Here’s a little fact for you: No other month begins on the same day of the week as June. Now waste a couple minutes discovering it for yourself. Go ahead, check your calendar. I’m not offended in the least. No need to take my word for it, by golly.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): June starts in the sign of Gemini and ends in the sign of Cancer, so twins or crabs? You’re getting at least one of these things this month – maybe both…

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Sweden, the U.S., Argentina, Romania, and Denmark all have Flag Days this month, so get to burnin’ and raise a few red flags yourself! USA!!! USA!!! USA!!!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): June 11 is Kamehameha Day, honoring the first ruler of Hawaii. Throw on a grass skirt, take off your top, and buy your favorite Hawaiian a beer. Why not? I mean, we do it for Mexico, right? And Hawaii has way better weed…

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): June 21 is the solstice, so get naked and run around the forest at night – not that it has anything to do with paganism; it’s just a real kick in the pants.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Father’s Day is coming up. Did you get your dad a present? You know what would be a great gift? If you got a real job, quit hanging out with your slacker friends and their stupid notions of “cool,” and gave up on that stupid dream of yours. Hell, you don’t even need to wrap it.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): In honor of the Stonewall Riots, there are a lot of gay pride celebrations this month. Did you have something you needed to tell us? Hmmmm???? No need to wait until Thanksgiving.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): June’s birthstone is the pearl, so get out there and get that special someone a pearl necklace. You know what I mean … naughty…