Here we are in July, and it’s hotter than a fat chick chasing an ice-cream truck through hell’s kitchen. So how do you beat the heat? Well, let’s see if I can give you a couple of suggestions…

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Fill a wading pool with ice and dive in. Bars always seem to have a ton of ice they have nothing better to do with than throw in the urinals. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind if you helped yourself.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Drive around town with your head hanging out the window. This seems to make my dog happy and should work until you get to the 10/12 split and everything comes to a standstill … even though it’s 7:30 in the morning … and I’m running late for work … COME ON!!!! IT’S A FLAT TIRE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE MEDIAN!!!

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Eat a gallon of Kleinpeter ice cream. It’s awesome!!! Even though some people (cough … Bella Fitz … cough) don’t know delicious even as it forces you to eat so fast the brain freeze makes you crap your pants.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Run through the fountains in front of the Shaw Center in a diaper. What? Everyone thinks it’s so cute when the kids do it…

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Become an intergalactic smuggler and dump your shipment at the first sign of an Imperial cruiser. Nothing like carbonite to lower the old body temperature. (Fanboys unite!!!!)

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Crack open your A/C and release the chilly goodness inside!!! It’s witchcraft, I tell you! Witchcraaaafffffttttttt!!!!!

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Try moving into the Brandywine Apartments. The recent rash of arsons will make the outside seem cool compared to your flaming home – even with the Kevlar vest on.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Buy a monkey. Everybody’s cool with a monkey.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Go to a Jonas Brothers concert and shout, “Chris Hansen is right outside!!!” Wait for the inevitable rush of wind as the stadium empties.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Hop on Google Earth and search your neighborhood for houses with pools in the backyard. Invite all your friends over while the owner is out. People love surprises like that.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Enjoy the shade behind the mounting pile of evidence against William Jefferson and just about everyone he’s ever known in his life.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Get a bunch of friends together, go to the main atrium in the center of The Mall of Louisiana, strip down to your undies, and lay flat on the cool tile floor. Not particularly hilarious, but I’d love to think I convinced a bunch of recent high school grads to do this.