I’m a little ambiguous about August. More people were born in August than any other month, and that includes me. (December is a cold month.) But my birthday is on the 18, meaning it often fell on the first day of school.

So, to commemorate this wonderful time of year, I’ve gone to an outside source for this month’s horrorscopes. I’ve asked Ms. Chomsky’s first-grade class for their outlook on the upcoming month.

Pardon the phrasing, but these are direct quotes.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): “The whole year is goin' to be good! The kid with the fake arm is in my class again!”

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): “Ffffaaaaarrrrttttttt!!!! Fart!!!!! Pee-Peeeee!!!!! Doooo-Doooooo!!!! Hahahahahahaha!!!!!” (Dictated, not read)

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): “Good month. My older brother showed me what the Internet is really for.”

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): “I’m sad this month because Mommy says she's going to stop breastfeeding me in November.”

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): “It’s going to be good because my parents’ divorce means I get two birthday parties next year!”

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): “This is going to be a good month; Unkie Diddles is in Oregon until September.”

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): “If it's like last year then I'm gonna find weird, curly hairs in my lunch again. It's scary ’cause the lunch lady is bald.”

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): “This is a sad month. Mommy's depressed ’cause she's turning 19.”

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): “Lucky month! Daddy hurt his shoulder at the plant, so the beer bottles are going to be coming at me a lot slower!”

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20):  “Gonna be good ’cause nobody's looked under my bed yet.”

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): “It’s sad because Daddy said the tooth fairy is a two-timing whore.”

CANCER (June 21-July 22): “I don't know if it's a good month or not. I heard first grade is tough. I sure don't look forward to learning cursive while I'm stoned.”