September doesn’t have a whole lot going for it. Think of it like a fat kid on a trampoline. You’re just trying to have a good time, and it’s just sitting there with ice cream on its shirt.

“Come on, September, get out of the way!” you say.

“I have every right to be here,” it replies through a mouthful of cake. “Here, have some Labor Day.”

If September is the fat kid, then Labor Day is the free cake his mom brought with him. Next to the mysterious disappearance of Mr. Jimmy Hoffa, Labor Day may be the greatest act of intimidation ever pulled off by labor unions. Grover Cleveland ripped the idea off from the Canadians after U.S. Marshals killed several union protesters during the 1894 Pullman strike.

So, in honor of the working class, this month’s horoscopes have been written entirely by teamsters.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): See the future? Man, I didn’t see anything! Nothing! I mind my own business.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You want a horoscope? Here’s your horoscope: F–K YOU! Yeah, there’s your horoscope. I see the same thing next month, too.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): My sister got into that astrology stuff in prison. Then she got shanked with a piece of straightened-out bedspring. So keep an eye out for that, I guess.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): ……… (In this case, the gentleman surveyed simply stood in front of me, sipping a cup of coffee and glaring at my forehead. I became uncomfortable and left.)

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): There ain’t gonna be no future for you, you keep askin’ questions.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The concept of a predictable future is both absurd and insulting. By suggesting such, you are implying some sense of predetermination or fate, as though we as intelligent beings are unable to stray from some course set before us by a higher power. Were an almighty god to exist, he would either love us too much to force us into an inevitable outcome or offer us no second thought upon our creation and leave us to our own devices. While this idea denies us the reassurance that we are not alone in our actions and that we do indeed play a part in a goal greater than ourselves, it should be comforting to know that, because our actions are not preset, it is difficult to label any of them as incorrect.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Bite me.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): I ain’t gonna give you no horrowscopes. That’s talking with the devil.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20):  I got your future right here.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Yeah, so you’re gonna go home, right? And there’s your brother, like totally putting it to your wife, and you’re like, “You friggin’ whore!”

CANCER (June 21-July 22): You need help with your article? I’ll need to talk to Mr. Jackson and Mr. Franklin about this…

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Operating costs are going to go up, and the corporation heads will start looking to trim a little fat, and then where are you? Safe and secure with your union, that’s where. Now sign over your power of attorney.