No time to waste on an intro this month! In honor of St. Paddy’s Day, everyone gets Horrorscope limericks!

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20):
The fish sign can lead to some dismay
For a blind man who passes his way.
With a sniff of the air,
He pats down his stray hair
And says, “Hello there, ladies, good day.”

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19):
As an Aries your temper may flare,
Despite logic or reasoning there,
As you flip her the bird
And say something absurd
To the lady whose driving’s impaired.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20):
They say Tauri are made up of bull,
But who knows how they ever get full?
Always leaving their loads,
Without using commodes,
Leaving everyone neck-deep in stool.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20):
You just might be surprised when you find
Gemini is a masculine sign,
So that may be why there
Is a mountain of hair
On your chest and your back and behind.

CANCER (June 21-July 22):
This Cancer’s not a bad one to have,
’Cause this one’s an odd sort of a crab,
Although it may cause you
To buy special shampoo
So your lover won’t leave you all mad.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):
Leos have to put up with some rants,
’Cause they won’t leave their hairdos to chance.
When their friends say with dread,
“There’s no hair on your head,”
They just smile, then they zip up their pants.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
A Virgo is as pure as can be;
As clean as driven snow, you can see.
When people ask one why,
One simply gives the reply,
“I use Valtrex; it’s found on aisle three.”

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
A Libra, represented by scales,
Is balanced and never will tell tales.
There’s no reason to lie;
When a stranger walks by,
He’ll know what you did as he inhales.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
By nature, Scorpios are thought kind,
Known to keep an open sort of mind,
Yet at bars they all shout
And they have me kicked out
When I walk up and pinch their behinds.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
A Sag is half human and half horse;
That is known as a centaur, of course.
But do not believe lies:
Sagittarius guys
Have nothing that’s equine in their shorts.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
It all makes so much sense now to me;
Capricorn is a goat from the sea.
They all think that it’s cool,
When they swim in the pool,
To stay in the water when they pee.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
Aquarius sees liquid as Master,
Which may be why he acts much faster
When ordering his drinks,
He doesn’t stop and think,
Which is why he always leaves plastered.