May doesn’t have the ability to excite most people the way December or even July can. If you’re a kid, it’s fun, because it means school’s getting out, but for the rest of us adults, we’ve had to drag a holiday of a usually unimportant people into the forefront so we can make it to June without putting a bullet through our brainpans.

That’s right, folks: May 12 is the Day of Finnishness! So dust off your copy of Kalevala, whip up a batch of karjalanpiirakka, and let’s celebrate.

Not really your speed? Well, I guess we could grab a couple of Coronas and a bottle of tequila and swing by Taco Bell to get in on this Cinco de Mayo thing.

And while you’re there, you might as well know a few handy Spanish phrases to help you get by. Luckily, with the help of some passing LSU seniors and the Google translator, I’ve put together one or two that you might find useful.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20):
“Todos ustedes sabían Ricky Martin es gay desde el principio de Menudo, ¿no?”
“You all knew Ricky Martin was gay from the beginning of Menudo, didn’t you?”

GEMINI (May 21-June 20):
“Por lo que he visto en Telemundo, usted necesita ser un tipo grande de grasa para calentarse las mujeres mexicanas. ¿Es esto cierto?”
“From what I’ve seen on Telemundo, you need to be a big fat guy to get hot Mexican women. Is this true?”

CANCER (June 21-July 22):
“Así que cuando son ustedes nos va a hacer un favor y recuperar Texas?”
“So when are you guys going to do us a favor and take back Texas?”

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):
“¿Es que llevaba un sombrero en Taco Bell como insultar como ir a la Iglesia en la cara de negro?”
“Is wearing a sombrero in Taco Bell as insulting as going into Church’s in black face?”

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
“¿Se te enseñan cómo encajar todas esas personas en un coche en la escuela secundaria, o qué tiene que pasar un verano en la universidad payaso?”
“Do they teach you how to fit all those people in one car in high school, or do you have to spend a summer in clown college?”

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
“¿Cuál de origen mexicano se siente más avergonzado por: Eric Estrada o Chihuahuas?”
“Which native Mexican are you more embarrassed by: Eric Estrada or Chihuahuas?”

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
“Me vestí de Batman para Halloween el año pasado. ¿De dónde sacaste tu Speedy traje de Gonzales?”
“I dressed up as Batman for Halloween last year. Where did you get your Speedy Gonzales costume?”

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
“México no es tan malo; por lo menos usted no está de África.”
“Mexico isn’t so bad; at least you’re not Africa.”

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
“No es tu culpa que tener tantos niños. He bebido tequila antes. Yo entiendo.”
“It’s not your fault you have so many children. I’ve drunk tequila before. I understand.”

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
“Tienes clásico Escarabajo Volkswagen y Coca-Cola con azúcar de verdad en ella en México? En verdad, debe ser el lugar más mágico de la tierra!”
“You have classic Volkswagen Beetles and Coca-Cola with real sugar in it in Mexico? Truly, it must be the most magical place on earth!”

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20):
“Dile a tus vendedores de drogas: Si se puede conseguir marihuana legalizada, nos limitaremos a pasar por encima y lo recoges.”
“Tell your drug dealers: If they can get marijuana legalized, we will just drive over and pick it up.”

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19):
“Lo que es más de un riesgo en Arizona? Los casinos o los controles policiales aleatorios de identificación?”
“What’s more of a risk in Arizona? The casinos or the random police identification checks?”