Huzzah, my little Shtickers! June is here, which means summer has officially begun.

Now, I know you’re all feeling a little down, what with that giant state-sized mass of oil out in the gulf messing with our usual summer activities, not to mention our daily lives and livelihoods, but I’m here to help each of you out with an astrologically personalized outdoor activity for you to enjoy. Happy summer vacation, kids!!!

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Why not pick up a kite and take it down to the beach for a day of running around on the nice white sand … oh wait; never mind.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Grab your wet suit and scuba gear and head out into the gulf to marvel at all the amazing creatures that live beneath the surface of the … ohhhhh yeeaaahhhhh … sorry.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Why not set up the volleyball net and spike some of your friends headfirst into a tar ball? That’ll keep things interesting.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Have a seaside bonfire and make s’mores over the roaring fire that will be the ocean all the way to the horizon. Look at it this way: They didn’t get to see that kind of thing even in the Bible.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Get some old friends together and charter a boat to take you out for a little deep-sea fishing … crap.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Enjoy some fresh, half-shell Louisiana oysters now that they’ve finally made a comeback after the hurricanes. Oh yeah, they live in the water…

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Well, we could all chip in and have a shrimp boil.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Why not take some sailing lessons since you don’t have to worry about navigating around all that annoying fishing traffic?

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Gear up for some fireworks on the 4th of July — that is, if they aren’t curtailed due to the hazard of possibly igniting everything from Corpus Christi to Havana in the most spectacular celebration of our country’s birth ever witnessed.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Sign up for a marsh fishing rodeo … oh, no, see, now it’s just getting annoyingly overstated.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Might as well hang out at the LSU beach since that is the cleanest stretch of sand you can plan on seeing for the next couple of decades.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): You know what? Since you’re going to be staying indoors anyway, why not sit down and write a little something to the kind folks at BP, thanking them for helping you narrow your summer activities this year down to going to the movies or wading through pee at the community pool.

If you go to their website, they have a nice little section cordoned off specifically for complaints about the leak. F—K THAT. Those complaints go to some poor intern who has to spend all day sending out apologetic form letters.

Instead, create something a little more concrete and send it to their main offices in jolly old England. Something like a letter with pictures showing how they’ve affected you personally, or a Ziploc bag full of oily sand, or a nice, white sheet of standard letter paper wrapped around a log of your own excrement, and mail it to:

Head Limey Douche Bag (Tony Hayward or Byron Grote; whoever’s opening mail today)
BP p.l.c. International Headquarters
1 St. James’s Square
London, SW1Y 4PD
UK

P.S. — If you do plan on mailing poo, be sure to seal it in a leakproof container for the benefit of the kind postmen. Plastic wrap should suffice.