Happy August, Red Shtick readers!!! You know what makes this the best month of the year? It’s the month I was born in.

Some of you are out there celebrating with me. August has more births than any other month. I guess December is cold everywhere.

So, all of you dedicated Horrorscopers out there, it’s time to give a little back. I’ve gone ahead and put together a modest birthday wish list. I’d get to it, folks; some of this stuff is tough to find.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Serendipity, the upscale restaurant for doofuses in New York that gave us the $1,000 ice cream sundae, has come out with a $69 hot dog. It’s sautéed in white truffle oil and topped with foie gras. I’ll take two, please.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Where does one go to evacuate the nightmarish colon combo of white truffle oil, butter, foie gras and heirloom tomato ketchup? Why, the Toto Neorest 600: the finest toilet $5,000 can buy. Not only does it hose down and dry your tushy, but it also remembers to close the lid and flush for you.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Ferrari has finally come up with a replacement for its 430. The 458 Italia is a return to the classic lines and unbridled performance that make any quarter-million-dollar car the perfect thing to spin into a ditch after a long night of partying.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): I know, a watch is a simple request at this point, but a Breitling Montbrillant Datora with full chronograph is going to be a necessity for my…

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): … Martin Jetpack. That’s right: We finally have workable personal flying machines that are easy to operate and fly longer than the thirty seconds of those pointless rocket belts. For the price of a decent home, you, too, can avoid traffic on the way home from work. Tempting, huh?

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): After all that excitement, I’ll need to settle my nerves with a pound of Kopi Luwak coffee pooped out of the butts of only the finest civets on earth.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): How about a pair of pants? Dussault Apparel’s trashed denim jeans are a perfect fit, and I’m sure whatever they do to them makes them worth the $250,000 price tag. Doesn’t really matter, actually, because after drinking a whole pound of coffee in one sitting, I’m just going to take a crap in them, anyway.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): I haven’t mentioned a water-based vehicle yet. Might as well travel in style in a 1951, 20’ Chris Craft Riviera. Anything around that time is good if you can’t find the ’51, as long as the wood is in good shape.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Come to think of it, a wooden speedboat would be the perfect place to play a Deering Banjosaurus Long Neck banjo — the perfect instrument for the banjoista with $62,500 to throw around.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Thanks to the Second Amendment, all of us can own guns (and thanks to Bobby Jindal, we can bring them into church with us). Nothing would help me express my patriotism more than the ability to kill a man from a mile away with a McMillan Tac-50 sniper rifle.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): If you had to put just one motorcycle on your ask-anything wish list, it would have to be one of the rolling works of art from Falcon Motorcycles. The Altai is the next one-of-a-kind to be made by the company.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): After spending my whole birthday going through all my gifts and quickly becoming bored with them, I’m going to be up for Bumble Lane’s Indulgence package. Half-hour spa days are for chumps. It doesn’t count as a spa day until they feed you at least twice.