Horrorscopes

Make Your Last Year Count!

Fri, 6 Jan 2012 19:00:57 -0600

Happy New Year!!! It’s 2012, and we still have no commercially viable jet packs. But we do have something special to look forward to this year: the apocalypse. And not some run-of-the-mill, Christian, religious apocalypse like Harold Camping missed the mark on last year (twice, I might add). No, this time, it’s the Mayans that are the architects of our demise.
Don’t try and deny it with your cold logic about how ridiculous eschatology in general is, or that fistful of facts that everyone and his mother has picked up about the Mayan long-form calendar from the History Channel. (It’s just the end of the calendar, like December 31; aren’t you frigging clever?)
NO! I was denied Y2K in 1999, I was denied by Harold “I speak directly to God” Camping last year (twice), and I will not be denied my apocalypse this year! I’m hoping this is the one thing the rednecks stockpiling guns and MREs out in the woods have right. The end is nigh. God is coming; everyone look busy.
So what do we do with our last year on Earth? Well, I could go about coming up with a series of New Year’s resolutions for you like I do every year, but this has to be special. If the Mayans are right, then we just experienced our last Christmas, and I didn’t even get what I wanted. So here’s a list of things for each of you to do with your last year on Earth.
Throw morality out the window, folks, for as a wise Gungan once said: “Yousa thinking yousa people ganna die?” Yes, Jar Jar, we’re all screwed. Let’s make this one count!
(I am in no way responsible if you follow any of this advice and the world doesn’t end. In fact, I’d argue that you angered the heathen Mayan gods with your insolent testing of their wills and they pulled out of ending existence.)
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Sit naked on a cake. You heard me. Have you ever done it? It’s the definition of decadence. Honestly, for the last month of his life, Nero refused to sit on anything with less than three layers.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Forget about speed limits. Set your cruise control on 90 and hang on. You have no time for traffic laws; the world is going to end.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Heroin! Now’s the time. You start chasing the dragon now, and you should be just shy of begging for death by the 21st of December.
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Start drinking like you mean it. I mean really tie one on. You’ve got 12 months left on the planet; might as well spend them sauced.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Eat every last meal you can imagine yourself sitting down to. Don’t pretend you want something fancy. Deep down inside, we all know caviar tastes like fish farts, lobster is bland, and foie gras barely comes close to really good bacon.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Random sex with strangers. This is way easier than you’d think. I mean, David Duchovny was treated for sex addiction, and he looks like Al Bundy now. If you’re prepared to strike out a couple of times every day, there’s no reason you need to ever sleep at your own place again.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Take a life. Now, not everyone is cool with offing a hobo (it’s not like they’re people), but you have a year to work up to that. Start simply with a feeder mouse from the pet store and a mallet. Don’t cringe! The mallet does most of the work.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Taste human flesh. I know; you don’t want to hurt anyone to get to your goals. But man, is it easy to take a little piece of your forearm off with a carrot grater. Once it’s off, you throw it in some sautéing butter, and you’re in business.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Streak. Run bare naked through a populated area. Don’t go soft on it, either. They don’t even show it at sporting events anymore. I’m not telling you where to go, but there are an awful lot of presidential debates scheduled this year.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Commit a felony. Don’t worry; I’m not saying you should kill someone, although that would be pretty metal. In Louisiana, felony theft is anything over $500. Go on the net and illegally download any of the Rosetta Stone language courses. My, aren’t you a naughty one.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Buy a dozen puppies. You know you want to. It’s OK if you’d prefer to wait until November so they stay small and manageable.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Be gay, or if you’re gay, be straight. Kinsey stated that no one is completely straight or gay. Pitch for the other team for once. Start slow: Watch UFC with the sound off.

Last Resorts for Resolutions

Fri, 2 Dec 2011 10:02:25 -0600

Christmas usually tops most people’s lists of favorite holidays. Know why? Because most people are shortsighted. In March, Christmas stands for presents, good cheer, and getting together with family and friends. In December, Christmas represents the unofficial end of the year.
If it’s not done by now, it just plain isn’t going to happen. So here we find ourselves at the end of another year. How did you do?
That’s what I thought. You didn’t take my advice at the beginning of the year, did you? I distinctly remember handing out generic New Year’s resolutions along with easy-to-follow instructions on how to get things done. If you’re reading this on Christmas Day, it means you’ve only got six days left to follow through and feel like a success.
I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but you’re dealing with the king of the slackers. I once learned an entire semester of Chinese literature on the way to the final. Let’s buckle down together and have a merry fricking Christmas!

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Enjoy life more. At the beginning of the year, I suggested you eat more chocolate. But you need an entire year’s worth of enjoying life more for this to count; chocolate just isn’t going to cut it. You’re going to need heroin.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Lose some weight. This one’s easy. What was the goal you set for yourself in January? Ten pounds? That’s your arm at the elbow. Thirty pounds? Leg at the hip. Sixty pounds? Well, at least the parking will be nice.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Get out of debt. OK, so we have to find a way to eliminate $10,000 worth of debt. Thankfully, Pakistan has legalized the selling of one’s own organs.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Spend more time with friends and family. It’s the holidays; odds are you’ve already been up to this without even trying.
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Help others/Give to charity. Fill a beer bucket up with spare change and visit as many of those Salvation Army Santas as you can. For argument’s sake, we’ll just count each one as an individual charitable organization.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Travel more. Like everything else on this list, we’re going to have to sacrifice quality for quantity. Hop on I-12 at O'Neal Lane and go back and forth to Denham Springs. Repeat until satisfied.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Stop smoking. Load up on nicotine gum and tuck in. You can hold out until January 1. Then, when you finally break down and light up, you can tell everyone you haven’t had one since last year.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Be more environmentally friendly. The Prius’ gas engine shuts down every time you stop the car. Improvise by shutting off your engine at every traffic light, stop sign, and drive-thru you encounter. Screw all the angry drivers; you’re saving the world.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Get healthier. You’ve got to get in shape quick. You’re going to need to take some advice from the experts: sorority girls. It’s time to get intimate with your index finger.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Get organized. All good organization projects begin with the creation of a list. Make a list entitled: “New Year’s Resolutions.” No. 1 is “Get Organized.” You’re already making progress.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Quit drinking. Like I told you in January, you’re not going to quit drinking. Drink less for the rest of the week than you did last week. Still counts.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Learn something new. I’ll throw you a bone. Koala bears only eat eucalyptus, which is toxic. They are able to destroy that toxin with a special bacteria in their guts. They can only get that bacteria as babies by eating crap directly from their mothers’ buttholes. Isn’t learning fun?

Relishing Relational Revelations

Fri, 4 Nov 2011 16:50:30 -0500

Now that I’ve grown older and gained more control over my day-to-day life, I’ve found that my tastes have matured, as well. I used to be quite the picky eater; now I’ll try anything Andrew Zimmern is willing to toss at me. I was solely an action-movie fan; now, when I see two old white guys talking for the duration of a film trailer, I get excited. (“OOOOOHHHHH, I hope it’s a political thriller!”) Add to that list my new favorite holiday, Thanksgiving.
On the surface, there’s nothing exciting about Thanksgiving. Sure, there’s lots of food, but once the meal is over, what’s there to be excited about? The whole concept of the holiday is stuffing ourselves to show God how thankful we all are for letting us kill off the native Wampanoags and take their land.
I’ll tell you what there is to be thankful for: family. Now that I’m an adult, I get so busy during the year that I never get to see my extended family anymore.
Thanksgiving gives me the opportunity to get together with the mutants who make up my family tree and catch up on all the insanity they’ve delved into over the past year. Now that I’m married, I can add in my wife’s extended family as well, and that includes an uncle who told everyone he was gay, started cross-dressing and taking hormones, and then changed his mind right before the surgery and prayed the gay away (no joke).
The insane revelations that pop up over the turkey are worth more to me than anything Santa could leave under the tree. So this month, in honor of Thanksgiving, let’s take a look at the stars and see what mind-blowing revelation you can expect to hear from your family at the dinner table.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Eat quickly this year, because right around the time your mom starts offering people pie, your grandmother is going to show off her recently acquired tramp stamp.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Get ready for your new roommates when your dad announces that he sold the house in anticipation of Harold Camping’s prediction of the rapture.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The crunchy Asian noodle salad will prompt your uncle to unexpectedly announce to everyone exactly why he’s been taking all of those recent “business trips” to Thailand.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Your cousin isn’t going to come out of the closet per se, but there will be a lengthy debate about how long it’s appropriate to stare at another guy’s junk in the gym locker room.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): The family pothead will slip a single magic brownie onto the dessert table, prompting your aunt to admit that she is “the lizard king” and she “can do anything.”
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): In unison, your parents will confess that they never really liked you as a child and spent most of the time raising you as a bet between the two of them on who would give up first.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Your great-grandmother will confess to killing a drifter with a belt in her teens.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): It will finally come out that your mother is actually your aunt and your cousin is your mom, a situation brought about to hide the family’s shame from the neighbors. This will make that time you played doctor as a kid wayyyy more awkward.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Your mother will admit that she’s not actually a bad cook but a vegan who’s been poisoning the family with tofurkey for years.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Prepare for a familywide identity crisis when your grandfather confesses to everyone that you’re all actually the descendants of a Nazi war criminal.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Political tensions will finally be resolved when your aunt admits that she plans on voting for Michele Bachmann and your grandfather politely smacks her in the mouth.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): No human confessions for your family this year, but the dinner will be interrupted when the cat leaps into the bread basket and gives birth to an unexpected litter of kittens.

Dirt-Cheap Disguises

Fri, 7 Oct 2011 14:26:19 -0500

Happy Halloween, Red Shtickers! October is one of my favorite months, not just because it allows for parties where men dress up like superheroes and women dress like whores, but because it is the first month when this damnable subtropical climate we all call home actually starts to approach levels that can sustain human life.
And speaking of hot climates … (dig the segue) … this year’s been pretty hot for the reporting world as well. With the Arab Spring, Republican primaries, and Charlie Sheen making headlines, you should have no problem coming up with a witty Halloween costume to impress all your friends.
What? You haven’t even thought about it? Well, let me help you out. I might even have a few ideas for those couples looking to share a theme.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): This one’s a piece of cake for those guys with a total lack of self-respect. 1.) Slip on a pair of Crocs. 2.) Unzip your fly and let the general get some air. Hello there, Brett Favre.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Chaz Bono is a cinch for any hefty guy willing to grow half a day’s worth of beard and wear a tank top. Don’t forget to bring along a midget to play your “penis.”
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Celebrate the repeal of “don’t ask, don’t tell” by cutting off some camo pants and strutting your stuff all night with a cosmo in hand.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): All it takes is a charcoal suit and a red tie to play your choice of Mitt Romney or Rick Perry. Honestly, no one will be able to tell the difference.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): If you don’t feel like playing a front-runner, you can still keep that suit handy and add a “Please Don’t Google My Name” sign. Voila! Rick Santorum.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Throw on a Hawaiian shirt, rub some VapoRub under your eyes and a little flour on your top lip, and bam — you’re Charlie Sheen. Take along a friend in a white gorilla suit to play the proverbial monkey on your back.
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Are you a 20-something female with brown hair? Well, toss that mane in a ponytail and go as Casey Anthony. You might want to rub a little dirt on your palms for effect.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): If you’ve got a Bumpit, a half-bottle of vodka, and a yeast infection, you’re well on your way to playing Snooki. Although, if you have all those things lying around, you may already be Snooki.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Want to play a zombie but afraid with the popularity of “The Walking Dead” it might be overdone? Crack open a glow stick, douse yourself in its contents, and put on a hard hat. Who’s that guy dressed up as a Fukushima cleanup worker? It’s you.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): If money’s tight (and we all know it is), take a white T-shirt and write “Thought We Could” across it. You’re now the proud owner of a disenfranchised Obama voter costume.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): If you have a pastel military uniform lying around, you’re ripe to dress up as Moammar Gadhafi; that is, if you can pull off the hairdo. (Note: I’m writing this at the end of September, so you may or may not have to add a bullet hole to your temple.)
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Are you a sassy young lady with schizoaffective disorder and a pantsuit? Why not be Michele Bachmann? Of course, you’ll have to supply your own “totally not gay” husband.

Moore’s Code

Fri, 2 Sep 2011 15:44:50 -0500

Is there anything about the month of September worth looking forward to other than it ending? Plenty of people in Baton Rouge will argue that September rocks because it marks the beginning of the college football season. I counter that argument by saying that the only reason football starts in September is because it’s the first full month of classes; sports only exist to take the sting out of being forced to learn things that you have moderate to no interest in.
Any RSM readers out there who are beginning 7th grade this year will be required to take the first in a series of courses dedicated to lying to children: civics. While there are going to be plenty of opportunities for adults to lie to you in the coming years, civics marks the first concentrated effort. They are going to teach you about the different levels of our government and how they are supposed to work, and then flagrantly B.S. you by saying that it’s a perfect system of checks and balances that could never be sidestepped or manipulated — all this while you live in the capital city of one of the most politically perverse states in the country.
Hate to say it, kiddos, but us adults have absolutely no idea what we’re doing. None. Your doctor, mechanic, politicians, lawyers, clergy, teachers, policemen, and airline pilots are just as clueless about the world around them as you are. Why? Well, we put in place a series of laws to ensure the safety of everyone, no matter how low on the tree of knowledge they swing.
So this month, I’m offering you a bit of civics truth. Here are some laws that need immediate attention if we as a society are ever going to claw our way into a brighter future.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Repeal the helmet law. Motorcyclists know it’s dangerous; therein lies the thrill. Stop trying to save everyone’s life just because a buddy of yours spread himself across the hood of an F-150.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Permanently make bars and casinos the only public areas where people can still smoke indoors. That’s where it belongs. Those “Clear the Air” ad campaigners don’t give a crap about the health of the people who work there; they’re just the kids who used to tattle on gum chewers in elementary school, now all grown up.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Remove the ban on concealed weapons in bars and churches. If the government trusts you with a Glock in Walmart, then it should have no problem with you having it on your person when a drunk frat boy asks you what you’re looking at after you’ve had a couple. As for churches, since when did religions start getting soft on backing up theological arguments with violence?
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Seat belts should be optional. I wear one because I find the thought of not flying out of my windshield comforting. An adult’s preventative safety equipment should be his own concern (notice I said nothing about child seats). Cops only enforce the law to snag a couple extra bucks from you when they ticket you for speeding, anyway.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Abolish school zones. Hardly anyone lets their children walk to school anymore, and buses drop kids off right at the door. Plus, I’m tired of having to slow to a crawl 14 times on the way to work on the off chance that your unattended child decides to run into traffic. That should be one of the basic lessons of survival, and nothing would teach the other kids to watch out better than seeing little Johnny disappear into the grill of a dump truck.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Stop requiring inspection stickers. Have you driven anywhere in this town? Making inspections mandatory isn’t keeping the death traps off the road.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Remove all limitations on exotic pets. If T-Ray wants a pet lion, let T-Ray have a pet lion. Then the lion can have T-Ray … for breakfast. Another problem that resolves itself.
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Remove speed limits while lethally enforcing minimum speeds in the passing lane. We should have cops in armored SS Chevelles, licensed to force slowpokes off the road. Going the speed limit in the left lane is unacceptable.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Legalize all drugs for recreational purposes. If you’re dumb enough to try heroin, then you should be allowed to let it kill you. The rest of us just want to smoke a joint in peace every now and then.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Police officers should be equipped with rolling EMPs to neutralize people who text and drive. I’m not saying you should die for that level of stupidity, but you definitely need to be pulled out of the pack.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Men who beat their wives and children should be forced into 10-minute cage matches with MMA professionals who have a minimum of two years’ training in Brazilian jiu jitsu, boxing, and Pankration. If you want to hit people, then we’ll let you hit someone who knows how to take it. This punishment also applies to people who talk in the theater.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Food trucks should be legally allowed to dispense alcohol and conduct business at highway speeds. I don’t always have time to run through Burger King.

August Expectations

Fri, 5 Aug 2011 16:46:50 -0500

More people in the United States are born in August than in any other month of the year. The why of this little fact is evident to anyone with the math skills to count back nine months. December can be quite chilly.
One of those more births than in any other month was mine, on the 18th, to be precise. I’m not quite ancient yet (especially if you believe any of those articles in Popular Science about how we can all plan on living to 150) but I am getting to a point where I can discuss events in my life in terms of them having happened decades ago. This realization forces a man to take pause and consider what’s really important in life.
While I usually use my August article to make requests of the readership for certain extravagant birthday presents, I’m going to instead look up at the stars and give each of you a touch of insight into what you can expect from the tail end of another God-awful Louisiana summer. It’s not like any of you have bought me any presents in the last four years, anyway.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): In response to Dos Equis’ popular commercials, Mitt Romney will begin posting his own take in his campaign ads featuring “The Least Interesting Man in the World.”
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Casey Anthony and O.J. Simpson will team up with a pothead and a mumbling Great Dane as they cruise around the country in a minivan in an attempt to find the real killers.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Barack Obama will attempt to once again capture the youth vote by making a guest-starring run on Glee in which he will play a visiting transvestite singing sensation from a rival high school.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The new season of Jersey Shore will lose scores of viewers after the crew visits Italy and accepts centuries of actual Italian culture and knowledge into their lives, rendering them tasteful and boring as hell.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Expect to win big in the office death pool with the unforeseen Winehouse/Castro/Chavez trifecta.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Mark Zuckerberg will find a new friend in Tom from MySpace after the popularity of Google+ renders Facebook obsolete to anyone but tweens, pedophiles, and the elderly.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): HLN viewers will watch in slow motion as their minds are blown directly out of the backs of their heads when the network accidentally lets a news story written for grownups slip into the morning broadcast.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): John Boehner will cry for no apparent reason.
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Edwin Edwards will release the autobiography he wrote in prison, Holding on to the Soap: Learning to Find a Woman Who Loves You Because of Your Honest Nature and Personality and for No Other Reason Than That, I Swear; Why? What Have You Heard?
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): China will make its first major foray into the American landscape by purchasing Disney World and lowering the height requirements on all the rides.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Michelle Bachmann will lose her bid for the presidency when a video surfaces of her and Nancy Pelosi in a hard-core, topless, make-out session.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): The hip-hop world will mourn the loss of Jay-Z and Beyonce after they purchase the Discovery space shuttle from NASA and it crash lands on their first voyage due to the inability of the newly installed spinning rims to sustain the tremendous force of landing after re-entry.

Patriotic Porkers

Fri, 1 Jul 2011 23:40:12 -0500

July is a lot like a preacher’s daughter: On the outside, it appears to stand for something righteous and well behaved, but deep down, everyone knows it’s hot and nasty.
There’s nothing a red-blooded American likes more than a hot dog and a cold beer while watching fireworks on the 4th, but that magic is just a veneer covering a month’s worth of bloodthirsty mosquitoes and car seats hot enough to cook bacon on.
Speaking of pork products, I don’t know about you, but at my house, we always take a little time to catch the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest on Independence Day. It’s tough to get more American than watching Joey Chestnut take on Takeru Kobayashi in our true national pastime, eating.
Don’t even pretend it’s baseball. I’ve met professional baseball players, and they look nothing like your average American. Not everyone in this country can hit a homer, but there’s not a person you know who wouldn’t at least try to best a foreigner in an eating contest if he were called on it.
That’s why I’m dedicating this month’s Horrorscopes to 12 varieties of All-American fatties. If you’re reading this in a restaurant, feel free to use it as a field guide to the North American Athlete.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): The Hank Hill. This specimen is known for his dedication to old-school eating habits. Listen for the call of “Trans fats were fine for my daddy, and they’re fine for me.” As fat people go, they can be deceivingly healthy on the outside, a charade only revealed after they drop dead from myocardial infarctions at 46.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): The Big-Boned McFan. While the McFans will argue that their girth is a result of nature’s cruel prank of an oversized skeletal system, they can be easily spotted by the abundance of fast-food napkins in their glove boxes. We all know you have big bones — big fat bones covered in fat.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The Salad Eater. The weight of the Salad Eater is a complete mystery to her since she’s eaten only salads for lunch for the past several years. However, the mystery can be solved by adding up the calories contained in a restaurant salad covered in fried chicken, 2 cups of shredded cheddar and Monterey Jack, ham, turkey, and around 8 ounces of ranch dressing.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The Faddie. This represents a species dedicated to fighting his weight issues with any and all dieting fads that pop up on Yahoo News. Whether it’s South Beach, paleo, grapefruit, or high fiber, the Faddie is always positive that “this time it’s going to work, and I don’t even have to exercise. …”
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The Exerciser. On the other side of the coin from the Faddie, we find the Exerciser, an individual who considers walking around the mall every Saturday to constitute enough physical activity to offset the 5,000-calorie-a-day diet she indulges in during the week. She can usually be spotted in the food court with a lunch consisting of entrees from at least two separate establishments.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The Aesthetically Fat. In a dramatic shift from his colleagues, the Aesthetically Fat individual actually takes care of himself. Even though he follows his doctor’s guidelines concerning diet and exercise, he is incapable of shedding even the slightest amount of weight. Most biologists attribute this to his having committed some horridly unforgivable offense against a long-forgotten god in a past life.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The Lane Bryant. From a distance, this specimen can deceive even the most astute weight watcher into believing she is, in fact, healthy and attractive. By purchasing specially tailored and fashionable clothes, she is able to camouflage her true identity behind acres of well-cut cloth. Usually, the façade only melts away when the individual attempts to sit in a single seat at the movies or walk nonchalantly through a turnstile.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The Denier. Perhaps the most disturbing variety, these beasts have little or no concept of their true enormity. Unfortunately, these creatures are the most horrifically huge, often sporting multiple rows of bosoms (both front and back), regardless of sex. They can be easily spotted at the nearest Walmart in clothing that is several sizes too small and far too short. Caution should be taken when in close proximity, as an exposed thong strap may easily give way at any moment, often resulting in damage to soft tissue or even loss of life.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): The Lemonade Stand. When God gives you lemons, make lemonade, or perhaps a lemon meringue pie. Either way, the Lemonade Stand sees her extra girth as a natural extension capable of pushing shopping carts or opening doors or, as in the case of two women busted in a TJ Maxx in Edmond, OK, a place to tuck shoplifted goods.
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): The Believer. At church every Sunday morning, as well as at the potluck afterwards, the Believer knows that her size is not an issue, because “God don’t make no trash.” In actuality, God does; sometimes He makes entire landfills.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): The Balanced Diet. There’s nothing wrong with treating yourself every now and then, as long as you even out your intake with something healthy. This approach works when you a have a shake for breakfast, another for lunch, and then a sensible dinner. Unfortunately, it collapses when the Balanced Diet couples a Caniac Combo with a Diet Coke.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): The Accepter. There is a reason fat Buddha statues are always smiling. They have learned to accept who they are. The Accepter knows he’s fat and takes no issue with it. With that awakening, he knows true bliss, guiltlessly devouring a 20-piece chicken McNuggets, large fries, large orange soda, and three McDoubles all slathered in high-sugar barbecue sauce. Until you can accept yourself, you will never know that level of unbridled joy.

Father Knows Best

Fri, 3 Jun 2011 13:58:35 -0500

June signals the official start of summer, a concept utterly devoid of meaning to anyone who has spent more than one full year of his life in the state of Louisiana. It’s always summer here, except for a few rainy days in December and January when the temperature drops to a level that most of the country would categorize as “springish.” Trust me, it isn’t winter. I’ve been to Chicago in January, and that kind of cold can make you consider cannibalism just waiting at a bus stop.
The only two other days in June of any note are Flag Day and Father’s Day. Flag Day is still a complete mystery to me, as we all know what our flag looks like, what it stands for, and when it was adopted by the time we get out of elementary school.
Father’s Day is even more mysterious now that my friends have all begun having children of their own. These are people I’ve known for years, most of whom I have at least one story about that, without question, offers proof that they should have never been allowed to procreate.
I feel this is probably true of most new fathers and is why they overcompensate in the protective aspect of fatherhood. They make the mistake their fathers made before them, entering into the role of patriarch with the certainty that they will be able to shield their children from the world, thus keeping them from the awful truth. We are all screwed.
I’d like to offer the following suggestion, as adults without children are often willing to do without being solicited for their advice: Be upfront. Tell them everything ahead of time so that the number of surprises they run into over the course of their lives can be counted on one hand.
Don’t know where to start? Well, let me give you each a piece of advice that I wish my father had imparted to me when I was still young and innocent.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): “You’ll never meet a woman at a truck stop who genuinely needs a ride. If she’s willing to talk to you out of the blue, she’s a hooker. If she’s also attractive, then she’s a cop pretending to be a hooker.”
CANCER (June 21-July 22): “Drugs will never do the things to you that you see happen on television. That is a worst-case scenario meant to keep you from being stupid. If you want to play it safe, never buy drugs. This does two things: 1) It keeps you out of trouble with the law, and 2) It ensures you’ll never get too much of anything nasty. Trust me, no one gives away the drugs that can kill you. If you ever meet a ‘drug dealer’ who wants to give you free heroin, it’s probably a cop.”
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): “Throughout high school and college, all the attractive women will mysteriously be attracted solely to douche bags. Don’t sweat it; this is nature thinning out the herd. The ones who survive their freshman year of college unscathed will appreciate the nice guys by the time they’re seniors. However, by that time, you will have found the dorky chick from high school has blossomed into a hottie who might actually respect you.”
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): “Speaking of high school, it’s completely unimportant. I know everyone at Disney has spent billions of dollars convincing you otherwise, but that’s only because teenagers have disposable income. My valedictorian dropped out of a free ride to Harvard and married a refrigerator repairman, and the prom king gained eighty pounds in ten years and is now creepily into Glee. Just survive it and be polite.”
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): “Not all adults are in it to help. Most people in positions of authority have at least one serious chip on their shoulder; just make sure it doesn’t involve you.”
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): “Condoms, condoms, condoms. I know it sucks, but condoms.”
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): “You will never outrun the police. Their cars are way more impressive than they seem on the outside, and they have been trained how to drive them. Just pull over and accept the ticket; by the time you see the lights, they own you.”
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): “When it comes to political discussions, stay out of them. No one believes in anything as deeply as any politician claims to, and anyone willing to argue for one side or the other is really angry about something else. Deep down, we all meet somewhere in the middle.”
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): “The first time you go drinking, you’re going to overdo it. Remember how you feel the next day and know your limits. Nothing’s more pathetic than an adult who still barfs after a night out.”
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): “To my son: If a woman orders steak at a restaurant, that doesn’t mean she’s going to sleep with you. She may just like steak. To my daughter: Always order steak. Also, only date women.”
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): “You’re never going to be the president. Legally, you can certainly become the president, but YOU are never going to be the president. That’s not a bad thing. Never trust anyone who honestly wants that job.”
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): “You don’t know what you want to be when you grow up. No matter what anyone else tells you, no one knows for sure until they’re in their 50s. And when you’re 80, you’ll still feel exactly like you do now, only a little more tired. Also, old people still have sex, and they do so more often than teenagers; I know that’s nasty, but it’s true, and it’s better you learn that now.”

Apocalyptic Ar-Mom-entarium

Fri, 6 May 2011 10:37:30 -0500

It’s May, which means if you’re reading this after the 8th, I certainly hope you got your mom something nice for Mother’s Day. It’s important to remember the woman that brought you into the world, even if she only reminded you of that fact so that you knew she could easily replace you if she were forced to end the existence she so kindly helped bring about. Ah, the memories…
Anyway, for those of you catching this ahead of the deadline, might I remind you that, according to several super-religious nutbags, Judgment Day is scheduled for the 21st? Might as well combine those two events and get Mom something she can really use after the sky is torn asunder and the giant flying scorpion/lion/death monsters descend to torture all of humanity that weren’t hip enough to put down their heathen cups of coffee and join the Mormons. May I offer some suggestions?
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): “The dead shall rise from their graves” — and what better way for your mother to prepare for that than with her brand-new Mossberg 12-gauge pump-action shotgun with an assault barrel and pistol grip. Aim for the head, Mom!
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): There’s no running water when you’re hiding from the forces of the antichrist in a secluded forest. Make sure Mom has the right tool for the job by getting her a Gerber folding shovel so she can dig her own latrines.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): And speaking of tools: Whether she’s hotwiring an abandoned pickup, performing an emergency appendectomy, or just using the scissors to keep her bangs out of her eyes, nothing is quite as handy during an apocalypse as a Leatherman Wave multi-tool.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): It’s going to be tough finding water that hasn’t been turned to blood; I’d suggest picking up a nice canteen for those rare occasions when she finds something potable.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Why leave that special lady in the dark once the sky has become as black as sackcloth? Maglite flashlights are waterproof and sturdy enough to be used as weapons in a pinch.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You don’t have to remind Louisiana residents how handy MREs can be when society starts to break down. Get Mom a one-year supply at TheReadyStore.com for only $5,199.95.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): One thing she’ll definitely need after it’s finally finished raining fire on the unholy masses is a first aid kit. Any one of them out there will do, but come on; it’s your mom. Make sure it’s Red Cross-approved.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): I know it sounds a little unconventional, but consider getting your mom a goat. Might I suggest the Nigerian Dwarf variety? They produce milk, are a great source of meat, and in a pinch, can be used as sacrifices to appease the dark lord.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I now offer you the least-expensive gift idea on this list: a Gideon Bible. You can find them for free at most high-quality hotels (I have quite the collection), and Revelation is sure to provide a handy road map to the end times. Also, since everything in it is now coming to pass, she’ll be able to use everything from Genesis to Jude as toilet paper.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Once the sky is blackened with the souls of the unworthy, you can bet your healthy gums that nothing’s going to grow anymore, making the most readily available food source human flesh. While it’s high in protein, you’ll find it sorely lacking in essential vitamins and minerals. Help your mother out by getting her a bottle of Centrum Ultra Women’s multivitamins.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Whiskey. It doesn’t matter whether it’s Scotch, Irish, Tennessee, or Kentucky, you can bet that spirits are going to be a highly prized commodity, both for sterilizing wounds and helping you forget about the daily rampages of the whore of Babylon.
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Swing by your doctor’s office and see if he’ll cut you an extra dose or two of amoxicillin. The end of the world is guaranteed to put an extra strain on the healthcare community, and there’s no reason to let Mom die of a paper cut.

Got Your Nose!

Fri, 1 Apr 2011 16:38:53 -0500

April showers bring May flowers, unless, of course, you live in Louisiana, where spring has already wrapped up by the end of April, leaving the majority of the state’s residents wallowing in their own allergies.
I, myself, have been blowing what I can only describe as chunks of uncured cement out of my nose for the past week and a half. Whether you’re in the same boat as me or your allergies manifest in itchy eyes, hacking coughs, or swallowing a 2-liter bottle of your own sputum every day, the odds are you have some understanding of what spring means in the South.
The cause of all of our symptoms, no matter how they manifest, is the same. Every flower, tree, and shrub in the state has all at once decided it’s time to get it on, and much like a hotel pool in Panama City Beach during Spring Break, the air is now filled with the byproduct of millions of attempts at copulation. Much like drunken frat boys, plants tend to throw their nets mighty wide in the hopes that they’ll have at least one successful hookup.
I think that’s why the month that begins with a celebration of the practical joke ends with a celebration of the greatest prankster of all, Mother Earth. No one loves a joke like the big blue marble we all share.
Whether it’s coaxing you to live in a beautiful coastal town before wiping it off the face of the planet with a tsunami, or offering you the majestic splendor of a snow-capped mountain that’s actually a dormant volcano, Mother Earth always goes for the long con. So let’s see what the most heartless mother since Joan Crawford has in store for you this month.
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): About the time your air conditioner is ready to give out, bees will move into the attic, preventing you from getting it repaired but offering you all the wild honey you can eat.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Your dog will develop an unhealthy springtime attraction to your sofa cushions, forcing you to watch all your favorite shows in the bedroom.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Plan on getting all your spring gardening done just in time for a flash flood to wash it all into the storm drain.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Sunlight will refract through the condensation on the outside of your living room window and set your couch on fire.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Stinging caterpillars will find the only place they feel like sleeping is in the toes of your favorite shoes.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): A freak Louisiana magnitude-4.5 earthquake will rattle your home just enough to shake your dishes out onto the kitchen floor. You will end up blaming the cat.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): A sinkhole will open up underneath your place of business, dropping it four feet below ground level. Your boss will insist you still come to work.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): A squirrel will get lost in the sewers, ultimately finding his way into your toilet, where the closed lid will cause him to panic and drown, so you can find his corpse hours later and fish it out with a plunger. (This actually happened to me.)
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Weather patterns will create a localized hailstorm that will write “Buttface” in perfect block letters on the hood of your car.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): A tornado will blow through your neighborhood, carrying your neighbor’s propane grill into your backyard but doing little other damage. You will be charged with misdemeanor theft.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): After spending time at a tween’s backyard pool party, a mockingbird will learn the first verse and chorus of Rebecca Black’s “Friday” then sing it nonstop outside of your bedroom window every morning until you kill it.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Expect fair weather on your day off, right up to the moment your shiny vehicle rolls out of the car wash and you’ve already tipped the attendant for giving you the deluxe shine.