John McCain surprised everyone by naming Alaska’s Governor Sarah Palin as his vice presidential running mate. When news got out, the news media came in droves to the little town of Wasilla, Palin’s hometown, virtually doubling its population overnight. Everyone wanted to know, “Who was this Sarah Palin?” From her pictures, we could tell that she was attractive, and being a Republican, we could assume she was a conservative. These attributes would obviously qualify her to be a FOX News TV anchor, or at the very least, a FOX News weatherperson, but what about vice president, someone who is only a heartbeat away from the presidency?

Then people started throwing around the “V” word. The New York Times reported that McCain hadn’t “vetted” his candidate until the night before the historic announcement. Time magazine said that McCain hurriedly put together a “vetting group” of lawyers and media handlers. One of Palin’s political rivals in Alaska was quoted as saying, “It’s been very difficult to work with her. I wish there had been more vetting.”

OK, can someone tell me what “vetting” means? There seems to be an awful lot of it going on lately. Does it involve veterinarians, as in “McCain hurriedly put together a team of veterinarians to examine Palin”?

Some people say that being a mother qualifies Palin to be president. Certainly, there is no more important and worthwhile endeavor then being a mother, but is motherhood a sufficient qualification, by itself, to be elected leader of the greatest country in the world? After all, chimpanzees make good mothers, too, but that doesn’t mean that a chimpanzee is qualified to be president, although most of them could be trained to hold up seven fingers when asked how many homes they own.

Actually, chimpanzees are pretty smart. I recall, years ago, that, as an experiment, a chimp was allowed to pick out a certain number of stocks on the stock market, and over a period of time, the stocks selected by the chimp outperformed the stocks selected by a licensed stockbroker.

Who knows what course history might have taken if the chimp that appeared opposite Ronald Reagan in the movie Bedtime for Bonzo had pursued a career in politics like his more famous costar. Maybe Bonzo would have been elected vice president instead of Dick Cheney. It’s interesting to speculate how things would have turned out if Vice President Bonzo would have been the one reviewing the “intelligence” on Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction.  I say the odds are at least 50/50 that he would have given thumbs-down to the invasion of Iraq.

The key political catchphrase in this presidential campaign, besides “vetting,” seems to be “CHANGE.” After the Republican convention, the McCain/Palin team quickly hit the campaign trail, promoting themselves as the ticket of “change.” Barack Obama countered by pointing out that McCain had a record of supporting President Bush’s agenda and commented: “You can put lipstick on a pig; it’s still a pig.” McCain took offense to the comment, branding it as a slur against his lipstick-wearing running person. Was McCain right to be offended?

Let’s see: Palin wanted to ban books in Wasilla’s library; she thinks it’s “God’s will” that we’re in Iraq; she’s against abortion, even in cases of incest and rape; she’s against sex education, but is in favor of teaching creationism in public schools … WAIT A MINUTE; SHE’S NOT A PIG WITH LIPSTICK, SHE’S PAT ROBERTSON WITH LIPSTICK!

Which leads me to the announcement of my own vice presidential running mate. You may recall that I am the presidential nominee of the Charismatics for Change Sort-of Party, formerly known as the Ban Books, Bear Arms, and Build Bridges to Nowhere Party (motto: “We’re the Party So Devoted to Change that We’ve Changed Our Name”). I was originally going to send this announcement exclusively to my supporters via text message, until I discovered it would cost me $165,384 under my current cell phone plan to send six text messages.

My choice for vice president is … Angelina Jolie.

I know, some of you are probably thinking, “Antonio, Angelina Jolie? Is this just another trophy VP? Is she any more prepared than Sarah Palin to be one heartbeat away from the presidency?  When Angelina gets that call at 3:00 a.m., how will she react, especially if she’s in the middle of childbirth?”

To answer these questions, I’ve compiled head-to-head comparisons of the credentials of both Trophy VP candidates. This information, as always, comes with the Red Shtick Fair and Balanced Seal of Approval, which guarantees that, if you’re not totally and completely satisfied that this commentary is fair and balanced, you will receive this issue of Red Shtick Magazine absolutely free:

Jolie vs. Palin: Who Has the Edge?

Foreign Affairs

1. •Jolie: Adopted children from Cambodia, Vietnam, and Ethiopia, and her mother was French.
   

2. •Palin: Lives in Alaska, which is close to Russia.
   

3. Edge: Jolie
   (Palin has never even met a Russian.)
   

4. 
   

Diplomacy

1. •Palin: Named “Miss Congeniality” in the 1984 Miss Alaska pageant.
   

2. •Jolie: Lips voted “Most Desirable Body Part of 2004.”
   

3. Edge: Jolie
   (When Jolie says, “Read my lips: No new taxes,” people will stop and listen.)
   

4. 
   

Commander-in-Chief

1. •Palin: Shoots moose.
   

2. •Jolie: Kicked ass in Tomb Raider movies.
   

3. Edge: Jolie
   (Try to find a moose on the Terrorist Watch List.)
   

4. 
   

Domestic Affairs

1. •Palin: Has five children and one grandchild on the way.
   

2. •Jolie: Has six children.
   

3. Edge: Jolie
   (Still within prime childbearing age and has shown a willingness to adopt.)
   

4. 
   

Ethics

1. •Palin: Subject of an ongoing ethics probe.
   

2. •Jolie: Lured Brad Pitt away from Jennifer Aniston.
   

3. Edge: Even
   

4. 
   

Religious Convictions

1. •Palin: Devout Pentecostal; says that the Iraq war is a “task from God” and that building a gas pipeline through Alaska is “God’s will.”
   

2. •Jolie: Religious views unknown.
   

3. Edge: Jolie
   (It sounds like Palin has been hearing voices.)
   

There you have it. Jolie clearly has the edge over Palin, and on a side note, it’s God’s will that Dick Cheney was born humorless.

One other important issue: Would Angelina Jolie be willing to negotiate with rogue states such as Iran? Answer: Yes. And, by the way, Ahmadinejad, she’s bringing all six of her children with her …