2008 will probably go down in history as the year of the global financial crisis. Day after day, we opened up our newspapers, wondering what grim financial news would be there waiting to greet us.

Years from now, we’ll probably laugh heartily about all those scary economic headlines, as we warm up our dinner over an open fire in some abandoned railroad yard and think, “Boy, this fire is really hot. If I’m not careful, I’ll burn this can of dog food.”

If Ernest Hemingway were to describe 2008, he would probably say something like: “It was the best of years. It was the worst of years.”

The “best” part, of course, happened very early in the year, in January, when LSU won the 2007 national championship. (An accomplishment that instantaneously became irrelevant, because it was already 2008.)

After that, the year quickly slid into deep dog doo-doo, with all those greedy corporate executives, golden parachutes, mortgage-backed securities, subprime mortgages, budget deficits, national debt, stock market crashes, bank failures, corporate bailouts, and Sarah Palin.

But most of the bad stuff happened in the second half of 2008. For a moment, let’s step back to a simpler time (the first half of 2008), before any of us had ever heard of Joe the Plumber or toxic assets.

January

In January, Mary Kate Olsen is found unconscious on the floor of her hotel room, suffering from an overdose of eye makeup.

Also in January, race becomes an issue in the presidential campaign when Hillary Clinton accuses Barack Obama of not being black enough, proclaiming that Obama “is no blacker than a white man returning from a week on the beach.”

Obama fires back, accusing Clinton of being “whiter than freshly fallen snow.”  Eventually, the candidates pledge to completely eliminate the issue of race from the campaign, both agreeing to stop using the term “presidential race” and substitute in its place “presidential fun run.”

February

In February, President Bush proposes a $3 zillion budget for 2009, but reduces it to $3 trillion when advisers point out that “zillion” isn’t a real number.     Democrats pledge fierce opposition to the hallmark of Bush’s plan – a proposal to use Social Security funds to purchase Iraq outright.

The presidential race makes a stop in Louisiana, and Mike “I’ve Got Squiggly Red Lines Under My Last Name” Huckabee wins the Louisiana Republican primary; however, as the result of a major snafu that leads some to question the wisdom of spending $3 million for a primary election, Louisiana’s delegates mistakenly pledge their support to Huckleberry Hound.

March

George Bush vetoes legislation that would ban the CIA from using the interrogation method known as waterboarding. “Waterboarding is not torture,” the president says in his weekly radio address. “I’ve personally watched young people on the beach skimming along the shallow water on their waterboards, and I don’t see anything wrong with it.”

It is also revealed in March that Barack Obama’s longtime pastor, Jeremiah Wright, has made racist and anti-American statements during his sermons. In a quick attempt at damage control, Obama releases the following statement:

I, like most Americans, daydream while attending church services. As a result, I was not paying attention when Reverend Wright made these inflammatory statements, as shown by the following excerpts of the Reverend’s sermons, along with my own contemporaneous thoughts:

Rev. Wright: God damn America!

Obama:  I wonder how much money it will take for me to run for president?

Rev. Wright: America brought on the 9/11 attacks with its own brand of terrorism.

Obama: How many suits will I need?

Rev. Wright: The government invented the HIV virus as a means of genocide against people of color.

Obama: I’m going to have them tailor-made. Otherwise, the sleeves are never long enough.

April

In April, President Bush unveils an additional chapter in his economic stimulus package when he reveals that, in order to boost consumer spending, Christmas will be observed twice in 2008, both on its traditional December 25 date and also on June 25. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, vowing that he has not used all the “tools in his toolbox” to fix the ailing economy, pledges to proclaim a third Christmas Day in the fall, if necessary. Reaction to the announcement is mixed, with opponents fearing that the new stimulus package will encourage consumers to keep their Christmas decorations up all year long, which is tacky.

May

President Bush, after a morning jog on his Crawford, Texas, ranch, calls Dick Cheney on the phone. “You know, Dick, it feels like it’s getting warmer. There may be something to this global warming stuff after all,” he tells the vice president.

“Uh, Mr. President,” Cheney responds, “it’s May.”

June

In June, religious pilgrims flock to the front yard of a Baton Rouge home located on the corner of Goodwood Boulevard and Airline Highway to worship a statue of the Virgin Mary so brightly adorned with flashing neon lights that it has gained nationwide fame as “Our Lady of Las Vegas.” According to some, the statue speaks to worshipers though a brilliantly lit scrolling banner.

Truth Is Stranger than Fiction