How many homes do you have?  If you’re like most people, you probably have one, or maybe you own a second home – maybe a condo in Gulf Shores or a nice camp somewhere. It’s my belief that there’s a direct correlation between the number of suits a man has and the number of homes he owns. I only have one suit in my closet and, consequently, I only have one home. Someone who owns a condo in Gulf Shores probably has two suits. I would imagine that John McCain has lots of suits and even owns a few tuxedos. So it comes as no surprise to me that he has more than one home. But exactly how many homes does he have? He’s not sure. When recently asked that question he replied, “I think … I’ll have my staff get back to you.”

Of course, this is one of those hard-hitting questions that any political candidate stepping into the public arena can expect to face, along with “Who are you?” and “Where do you live?”  This is a prime example of why politicians such as Karl Rove will take whatever means are necessary to avoid being put under oath and asked even the simplest question, such as “Are you a big, fat, jerk?” for fear his answer will result in criminal prosecution.

It’s easy to see, though, how Senator McCain could be confused. The word “home” could mean many things to many people: a ranch, a beach house, a condo, a townhome, a penthouse apartment, a mountain cabin, a castle, a cardboard box under the interstate, a park bench, or a bad timeshare that you’ve long ago erased from your memory. After studying the issue overnight, McCain’s staffers came up with the conclusion that McCain and his wife owned “at least four” homes.

Hmm … is that your final answer? Or better yet, is that an answer at all? What does “at least four” mean? Somewhere between 4 and 1000? And what about the rumors that he secretly owns several rent houses on Boardwalk, a hotel on Park Place, and a trailer in Mississippi?

Several sources claim that the correct number is probably more like seven, and that McCain is missing a pair of brown loafers which he fears are in one of the houses that he’s forgotten about.

Missing homes, missing loafers … we can all have some fun and make jokes about all this, but that would be ignoring the real crisis which is threatening aging baby boomers who have achieved the American dream – multiple-home ownership – but can’t remember how many homes they own or where they are.  And things will only get worse for McCain if he is elected and has another home (the White House) to worry about.

It remains to be seen how this political gaffe will affect McCain’s presidential chances. Many political experts are now saying that McCain can write off the homeless vote. But this is not expected to be a deciding factor in the race, since many homeless people don’t vote. (In fact, McCain has never seriously campaigned for the homeless vote, for fear that some of the homeless might ask to stay in one of his homes.)

It was a bad stretch for McCain, who only a few days earlier had said that someone would have to make at least $5 million for McCain to consider him rich. This comment, along with his housing issue, raised several questions that remained unanswered as this edition of Red Shtick went to press:

1. •Does McCain’s heavy investment in real estate reflect a lack of confidence in the stock market?
   

2. •How many illegal immigrants are cleaning and maintaining his homes?
   

3. •How will McCain’s miscue affect the middle class, i.e., people who make less than $5 million and can tell you, without contacting their accountant, how many homes they have?
   

4. •How will it affect the nation’s poor (people who make less than $1 million)?
   

5. •If McCain put on a pair of ruby slippers, closed his eyes, and said, “There’s no place like home,” where would he end up?
   

Most of you are probably aware that I am the presumptive presidential candidate for the Nuke Gay Whales for Peace Party. I say “presumptive” because no one else has stepped forward to accept the nomination or even acknowledge that they are a member. You’re probably wondering, “Antonio, during the course of this campaign, what is the single question that you personally fear the most?” That question would have to be, without a doubt: “Mr. Winnebago, how many neckties do you have?” I fear this question because I have saved every tie I’ve ever purchased since high school, and I honestly don’t know how many ties I have, although I know it’s a lot more than four.

So, McCain, go ahead and take your best shot – ask me about my ties … my staff will get back with your staff.