In 2008, we heard a lot about Joe the Plumber and Joe Six-Pack, but what about the other Joe, the Joe that everyone forgot about: Joe the CEO? Your normal, everyday, run-of-the-mill, chief executive officer of your average, multibillion-dollar, insolvent American corporation. Was anybody worried about how Barack Obama’s tax plan would affect Joe the CEO’s golden parachute funds? No, not even John McCain. That’s because Joe, when he wasn’t being paid millions of dollars for running his company into the ground, was flying to Washington on his private jet to ask for billions of dollars in government bailout money.

Obviously, this is an oversimplification of the root causes of the global financial crises, as it leaves out a detailed discussion of highly leveraged portfolios filled with under-collateralized but overvalued mortgage-related assets, wholly lacking financial transparency, packaged and sold by Wall Street as highly speculative but provocatively tantalizing securities, which fueled a flatulently fatuitous credit expansion, that ultimately crashed and burned when the housing pimple burst, which resulted in a painful constriction of credit derivatives, like a financial tourniquet applied to the already swollen hemorrhoidal tissue of lending illiquidity. And I’m sure there are plenty of economists that will back me up on that.

I know many of you are probably thinking: “Antonio, isn’t this just history repeating itself, i.e., the Great Dutch Tulip Mania of 1637?” Yes, I will admit, there are some similarities, except, as you will recall, the root cause of the Dutch Tulip Mania of 1637 was tulip bulbs.

July

Kip Holden receives a traffic ticket in the mail and immediately calls for a criminal investigation of what he refers to as “smear tactics.” Enclosed with the ticket is a photo, taken with one of the mayor’s own traffic-light cameras, which appears to show Holden running a red light. “The car in this photograph has a picture of me duct-taped to the windshield,” Holden wails. “I was framed!”

August

In August, negative campaigning reaches new depths when McCain accuses Barack Obama of being the Boogie Man.

Also in August, Russia invades Georgia and, in a scene reminiscent of Gone With the Wind, burns Atlanta. When Vladimir Putin is asked, “Why Georgia? Why not take the more direct route through Alaska?” the Russian prime minister quickly responds, “Alaska? The state that is protected by the Great Sarah Palin? Surely, you must be joking!”

September

In September, Sarah Palin is nominated as John McCain’s vice presidential running mate. In response to accusations that Palin was not properly vetted, McCain quickly assembles a team of vets who examine her, update her on her shots, and declare her “ready for adoption.” After receiving much criticism for her lack of foreign policy experience, Palin goes into seclusion with a team of foreign policy experts, vowing not to come out until she can correctly pronounce “Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.”

American International Group receives $85 billion in federal bailout money.

President Bush addresses the nation on the economic crises, warning that if Congress doesn’t give him $700 million immediately, he will destroy the Earth with a giant “laser” that he has constructed on the moon. Congress erupts into laughter.

When Bush addresses the nation again, this time demanding $700 billion, Congress sits up and takes notice. “Now you’re talking real money!” exclaims one Congressman. But many of our nation’s leaders, recalling how they got suckered into Iraq, balk at the president’s demands. “This is the guy who put ‘con’ in the word ‘conservative,’” cautions one Senator.

John McCain declares that the “fundamentals of the economy are strong.” Shortly thereafter, the stock market crashes, the banking system teeters on the verge of collapse, and Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson warns that if Congress doesn’t give him the $700 billion bailout money soon, we will all be reduced to wandering tribes of nomadic food foragers.

October

John McCain clarifies his earlier statement about the economy: “What I meant to say was … that the backbone of our economy, which is the American tribal food forager, remains strong.”

Also in October, Sarah Palin pledges, if elected, to ban the Louisiana Civil Code, which contains the words “naked owner” and “usufruct.”

And, coming under the heading of  “Too Funny to Be Made Up,” a treasury department spokeswoman explains how the $700 billion number was chosen for the federal bailout plan: “It’s not based on any particular data point, we just wanted to choose a really large number.” (Why not $700 zillion?)

November

Companies get in line to apply for “corporate welfare” as Citigroup, Wells Fargo, and JPMorgan Chase receive a total of $75 billion.

Executives from Detroit’s “Pig Three” automakers fly to Washington D.C. to ask for billions of dollars in bailout money, pleading to Congress that things have gotten so bad in Detroit that they have suspended in-flight meals on their private jets.

Although President-elect Obama is still two months away from taking office, conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh refers to the economic crises as the “Obama Recession.”

December

In December, Joe Six-Pack receives $3 billion from the federal government for “beer money.”

Rush Limbaugh refers to the Dutch Tulip Mania of 1637 as “Obama’s Tulip Mania.”

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is arrested on charges that he tried to sell President-elect Barack Obama’s seat in the U.S. Senate, charges that Blagojevich brands as “ridiculous.” “Who would want to buy someone’s seat?” Blagojevich argues. “The whole idea is asinine.”

During a farewell tour in Iraq, President Bush dodges shoes as adeptly as Karl Rove dodges subpoenas.

Also in December, President Bush unveils his presidential portrait at the National Portrait Gallery. The portrait shows the soon-to-be ex-president surprisingly relaxed and smiling, seemingly unfazed by eight years of turmoil.

The president has not said much about what he will do after he leaves office and becomes Private Citizen Bush. Perhaps the former president will devote some time to building his presidential library, and God knows, Laura Bush will be relieved when all those comic books are finally out of the house.

But how do you say goodbye to someone like Vice President Dick “Dick” Cheney? A man who, for eight years, was only a heartbeat away from cardiac arrest? It might be appropriate to borrow from the very words spoken, on the Senate floor, by the vice president himself, when he told Democratic Senator Patrick Leahy in 2005 (and I’m paraphrasing here), “F–k off!” But I would never use words like that in my column.

Dick, no one will ever forget your beautiful scowl, your adorable arrogance and your wonderful “screw you” attitude, any more than anyone who was alive in 1937 could ever forget the crash and burning of the German airship Hindenburg.