January

In January, Barack Obama becomes the first African-American president of the United States. He immediately goes on a nationwide search to fill important positions in his administration with the best, brightest, and most capable individuals available, but eventually settles for anyone who doesn’t owe back taxes.

In New York City, after a bird strike disables his engines, an airline pilot safely lands a US Airways jetliner on Rosie O’Donnell.

In other news, a woman from South California who already has six children gives birth to eight more and fails to land a reality TV show.

February

President Obama unveils a budget for fiscal year 2010 that has so many zeros in it that it sends financial experts scurrying. “We think it may be quadzillion-trillion,” says one expert, “but we won’t know for sure until the Congressional Budget Office finishes inserting the commas.”

“If we had wanted the ‘Monday Morning March,’” laments one top Republican, “we could have gotten Buckskin Bill.”

When asked to comment, Vitter declares that, although he may have committed many “very serious sins” in the past, Stormy Daniels was not one of them.

March

President Obama gives Oprah Winfrey $10 billion in federal bailout money to assist her in her latest effort to lose weight. Responding to Republican criticism, Obama argues that Winfrey, who has purportedly ballooned to 200 pounds, is “too big to fail.”

AIG, the company that had previously received more than $150 billion in federal bailout money, gives $218 million in bonuses to its employees, with 71 employees receiving at least $1 million each. AIG’s CEO defends the bonuses by arguing, “It’s expensive to live on Wall Street.”

April

Governor “Gulliver” Jindal travels to several remote parts of the world (Dallas, Missouri, Mississippi, Houston, Florida, Connecticut, San Antonio, Virginia, North Carolina, Arkansas, California, Illinois, and Boston), until he reaches Washington, D.C., where he is taken captive by a race of giant Republican fundraisers.

May

Incoming LSU freshman linebacker Barkevious Mingo wins the coveted Name of the Year award. The four-star West Monroe native, who began the competition as the No. 4 seed, easily beats out the No. 1 seed, Michigan graduate student Iris Macadangdang, with 54 percent of the votes cast.

“Before his playing days are over, Barkevious Mingo will become a household name,” predicts Tiger coach Les Miles.

Donald Trump, owner of the Miss Universe and Miss USA pageant system, as well as our own solar system, announces that Prejean will retain her crown and calls critics of her photos “titty-babies.”

“We are in the 21st century,” comments Trump. “These pictures are no more offensive than my comb-over.”

Prejean had earlier become the subject of controversy at the Miss USA pageant when she declared that she did not believe that two people of the same sex should be allowed to take pictures together in a photo booth.

June

A month after Donald Trump saves her crown, Carrie Prejean is fired by pageant officials for what they describe as a “failure to fulfill her contractual obligations to be a blonde bimbo.”

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford hikes
the Appalachian Trail all the way to Argentina.

July

August

In August, Fox News, dropping any further pretense of objectivity, changes its slogan from “fair and balanced” to “the Reich Ministry of Truth.”

Also in August, the debate over health care reform continues.

September

As Yogi Berra would say, the debate over health care reform continues again in September.

October

After falling victim to an alleged extortion attempt, David Letterman admits to having sexual relations with Sarah Palin’s daughter.  Surprisingly, the scandal serves as an inspiration to middle-aged men everywhere: “By God, if a funny-looking old white guy with a gap between his front teeth who has a net worth of $110 million can get a hot babe, then so can I.”

Obama says he views the decision not as recognition of his own accomplishments but rather as a “call to action to initiate a college football playoff system,” a move he has long advocated.

November

We have all, at one time or another, gone through the same experience. You throw a party, it’s after midnight, and you’re ready to clean up and go to bed, and everyone has gone home except for a couple of stragglers that just won’t leave.

“How many times do we have to yawn in their faces before they leave?”

“I don’t know. I’ve tried everything. You would have thought that they would have gotten the hint when we changed into our pajamas and started flicking the lights on and off.”

“Why don’t you just tell them to leave?”

“We’ve been through this before, Michelle. Although we live here, this home belongs to all the people of our great country. I’m in a very awkward position here. I just can’t ask them to leave.”

“Invite them? I didn’t invite them. I thought you invited them.”

“I didn’t invite them! Oh my God! They must be … PARTY CRASHERS!”

See if you can match each of the following quotes with the famous person who made it during the month of November:

1. 1.“I’ve learned … It’s my fault. It’s my responsibility. This is a difficult time. I regret the mistakes.”
   

1. a)David Letterman apologizing for a joke he made about Sarah Palin’s daughter.
   

2. b)Governor Mark Sanford apologizing for his tryst with an Argentinean hottie.
   

3. c)Les Miles apologizing for clock mismanagement in the waning seconds of the Ole Miss game.
   

2. 2.“The mistake that I make … And I’m talking about what’s in there? And what’s not? … And in trying to review quickly what needs to take place … It’s my fault. It’s my mistake.”
   

1. a)Chef Paul Prudhomme on realizing that he forgot to put crawfish in his etouffee.
   

2. b)Former U.S. Representative William Jefferson explaining why he put $90,000 in his freezer.
   

3. c)Les Miles on why he allowed 17 seconds to elapse before calling time out in the Ole Miss game.
   

3. 3.“I defend those calls … Those calls come with my name on them.”
   

1. a)Pee-wee Herman taking blame for obscene phone calls made to a convent.
   

2. b)David Vitter owning up to his phone number appearing on the phone records of a prostitute.
   

3. c)Les Miles commenting on LSU’s play-calling during the Ole Miss game.
   

4. d)Tiger Woods commenting on a voice mail he left on a girlfriend’s cell phone.
   

December

In December, dozens of women are coming forward to claim that they haven’t had sex with Woods, claims that are viewed with a certain amount of skepticism by the tabloid press.

Later in the month, Woods takes an indefinite hiatus from sex to concentrate on his marriage game.