How much do you know about the health care reform bill? If you’re like most Americans, you haven’t read it, but luckily, living as we are in the greatest democracy that the world has ever known, we have access to the opinions of the actual Congressmen and women who will vote on the bill, who also haven’t read it, but who can still tell us what it’s all about.

One of the big reasons that no one has actually read this bill is its size. How big is it? It’s so big that, if you strung all the words in the bill together in a single line using a 12-point font, you could circle the entire globe and still have enough words leftover to go around Oprah Winfrey twice.

It’s so big that, if it were printed on rolls of toilet paper, it would take 10 years of bowel movements to use it all.

It’s so big that it was recently declared a federally protected natural habitat when a Congressional aide carelessly left the bill unattended for several minutes and a flock of rare yellow crested honeycreepers flew in and began nesting in it.

At 1,990 pages and 400,000 words, some Republican critics have even gone so far as to call the bill “wordy.”

The bill also has a big price tag. It’s estimated that the bill in its present form would take $894 billion to implement over the next 10 years, which comes to $2.24 million per word.

Contestant: Pat, I’d like a vowel, please.

Pat Sajak: I’m sorry; vowels cost $2.24 million. You don’t have enough money to buy a vowel.

This month, in fulfillment of this column’s mission statement to give you a fair and balanced view of my personal opinions, I will hit the highlights of this landmark legislation, which has been discussed and debated for months now and will never become law. Let’s commence at the beginning of the bill, which starts out, in big, bold letters:

“A Bill”

A poor choice of opening words, to be sure, and the principal reason why no Republican will support it.

A BILL! I’M NOT PAYING IT!

Before we review the bill any further, let’s take a moment to examine its origins. Some of you are probably wondering, “Antonio, if no one has actually read this bill, who wrote it?”

Well, the health care bill was actually written by a band of liberal, evil elves who live in the basement of our nation’s Capitol building — elves deemed too mentally unstable to work for Santa Claus and therefore condemned to a life of federal civil service. For security reasons and to insure the bill’s incomprehensibleness, each elf was allowed to write only 100 pages, while remaining completely unaware of the content of the other elves’ work.

Now let’s examine one of the typical sections of the bill (which I’m not making up):

Outpatient Hospitals.—

(1) In General.—Section 1833(t)(3)(C)(iv) of the Social Security Act [42 U.S.C. 1395(t)(3)(C)(iv)] is amended—

(A) in the first sentence—

(i) by inserting “(which is subject to the productivity adjustment described in subclause (II) of such section)” after “1886(b)(3)(B)(iii)”; and

(ii) by inserting “(but not below 0)” after “reduced”; and

(B) in the second sentence, by inserting “and which is subject, beginning with 2010 to the productivity adjustment described in section 1886(b)(3)(B)(iii)(II)”.

Now we see why some critics are calling the health care reform bill “the greatest work of literature since the federal income tax code.”

Many of you have probably spotted the most glaring defect in the above-quoted section, one that could cost you and your grandchildren hundreds of trillions of dollars in the future: The phrase “(but not below 0)” should not be inserted after “reduced,” but should instead be inserted after “beat until well blended.” (No wonder President Barack Obama has distanced himself from this bill!)

This section also exposes one of the primary weaknesses of this bill: there are too many insertions. By the time you finish reading this thing, you feel like you’ve had a lifetime of prostate exams, as in, “Bend over so I can insert this health care bill.”

Now that we’ve reviewed the bill, let’s test your health care reform IQ:

1. According to Sarah Palin, the present health care bill provides for:

1. a)death panels.
   

2. b)solar panels.
   

3. c)death stars.
   

4. d)death and taxes.
   

2. Without health care reform:

1. a)quality health care will be denied to millions of Americans.
   

2. b)Americans will resort to witchcraft and Voodoo to cure their ailments.
   

3. c)late-night comedians will have to revert to old George Bush and Dick Cheney monologues.
   

3. The skyrocketing cost of health care is a direct result of:

1. a)greedy drug manufacturers.
   

2. b)greedy insurance executives.
   

3. c)greedy hospital administrators.
   

4. d)It’s not skyrocketing. That is a liberal lie made up by the same people who say the polar ice cap is melting.
   

4. The health care reform bill, in its present form, contains:

1. a)a robust public option.
   

2. b)a virile public option.
   

3. c)an erotic public option.
   

5. Many conservatives have opposed the health care reform bill on the grounds that it may:

1. a)fund abortions.
   

2. b)fund health care for illegal aliens.
   

3. c)fund health care for al-Qaida.
   

4. d)fund public radio.
   

6. The health care reform bill, in its present form, is as clear as:

1. a)mud.
   

2. b)used motor oil.
   

3. c)your insurance company’s latest explanation of benefits.
   

4. d)Russia on a cloudy day from Sarah Palin’s front porch.
   

7. In order to receive the best medical care, we should place our trust in the hands of:

1. a)insurance companies.
   

2. b)Canadian internet pharmaceutical companies.
   

3. c)organized crime.
   

4. d)the federal government.
   

8. To fund health care reform, the bill would:

1. a)increase taxes on those making more than $250,000.
   

2. b)increase taxes on all Americans.
   

3. c)tax abortions.
   

4. d)levee a “fat tax” on wealthy fat people, like Oprah Winfrey.
   

5. e)tax all the rest of the countries in the civilized world who came up with the idea of universal health care in the first place.
   

9. In the long run, health care reform will:

1. a)reduce the deficit.
   

2. b)increase the deficit.
   

3. c)be deficit-neutral.
   

4. d)provide free Xanax for everyone so no one will care about the deficit.
   

10. Everyone agrees that health care reform is necessary. The Republican Party’s position on health care reform is:

1. a)the only good health care reform is no health care reform.
   

2. b)go to work and make enough money to buy a hospital.
   

3. c)go to work and make enough money to buy a pharmaceutical company.
   

4. d)say a prayer for those who can’t afford health insurance.
   

In retrospect, all of the many hours I have spent poring over this bill for your benefit may well have come to naught since the election of a Republican to Ted Kennedy’s old Senate seat. This means that the Democrats now have 59 votes in the Senate, which is one short of the number needed to prevent a Republican filibuster.

We all know what a filibuster is — it’s when politicians talk and talk and go on and on and never get anything done.